Yesterday I was at my local Walgreens to buy some new lubricant and I had to wait about three people deep in line. I sat there staring at the many wonders they save for the very last second, the Island of Misfit Toys as I like to call it. There are your Troll Doll pencils, the Ultimate Dance Hits collection replete with Kathy Dennis and some Haddaway. And then there are the magnets. The Support Our Troops magnets, now in five fun colors! I picked one up to see if the whole thing was a magnet or just had some of those cheap little magnetic strips on back. I put it down, satisfied with the fact it was all magnetic, when an adorable woman in her mid forties, head to toe in OSG, Official Suburban Gear, decided to open her ugly mouth. She had on a visor displaying the name of her country club, Gucci sunglasses, and a baby tee far too small for her steadily increasing waistline. Let me just jump in and say I have nothing against people of any weight, just religion, but sometimes you need to know you are not twenty anymore. Seriously! She had tight short shorts and some sparkling white Asics on. Now that you get the picture here is what she said to me. “What, you don’t support the troops?” I figured, as always, that this person was talking to someone else. I looked anyway and realized she was speaking to me. “Excuse me?” She looked indignantly at me. “I saw you look at that ribbon and put it down. Don’t you care?” “No” I replied. “Since you are asking, I hate the troops and I definitely Hate America. I’m purchasing this anal lubricant because I have a five o’clock flight to Amsterdam tonight and I’ve heard some of those Red Light District shoppes have shitty lube.” She looked like I had just told her something shocking like that her husband wasn’t fucking his secretary, or that her son really is guy, he’s not just trying to get back at her. Side note: my doctor says I have what is called IOS, or Inappropriate Opinion Syndrome. When the Challenger blew up, I was excited. When the Yankees won their first World Series, I cheered. When Operation Desert Storm happened, I thought it wasn’t about oil. And now this. I decided the day everyone gathered around CNN for sixty three days to watch us bomb the shit out of Baghdad that the popular opinion would be to hate America. I mean, when Vietnam was going on I had an American flag in my car window for six years! Why not, it was a good decision to go there. So back at Walgreens this woman is still staring at me, waiting for some sort of explanation. “Look, clearly the troops are making their own decisions on who to attack and when to leave, and they’re not leaving! So I can’t support the troops, because they are making decisions for themselves that I can’t agree with. Furthermore, Newsweek, The Wahington Post, and Ann Coulter say that everyone in America loves this war and fight for freedom, so since I don't I am being forced to leave by my local pastor.” We argued all the way out of the store and to our cars. As I was getting into my Range Rover, this loving woman comes running up to my window and knocks. “I didn’t know you had a Range Rover!” Long story short, we had sex in my car, she loved it, then hated it, and as she’s wiping her $110 mascara from her patriotic eyes she said, “If you don’t hurry you’re going to miss your flight!”