I frequently hear people say that Spanking “should be a last resort.”  I appreciate what they’re trying to do, in ensuring that spanking isn’t overused — as the single approach to everything, all the time.  However, this well-intended approach is likely to be more harmful than helpful.

Last Resort – Last Nerve

When a particular approach — in this case, spanking — is treated as a “last resort,” there’s a built-in quality of escalation.  That is, the behavior gets worse and worse and worse — and usually the parent gets more and more and more exasperated — until finally the situation is “bad enough” to warrant this consequence.

It might go something like this:

“Johnny, time to get ready for bed.”

(Johnny continues playing with his toys.)

“Johnny, go get ready for bed.”

(still nothing)

“Johnny, I said go get ready for bed!”

(Johnny is still playing with his toys.)

“Johnny, I told you to get ready for bed.  I’m going to count to three…  One…two…two-and-a-half…two-and-three-quarters…three!  Fine; I’m going to get the belt!”

Can you feel the escalating tension here?  Can you hear Mom (or Dad) getting more and more frustrated?  The problem with this approach is that by design the “last resort” disciplinary approach is saved until the parent is frustrated and angry.

This is setting you up to spank when — and only when — you’re not calm and fully in control.  That’s not biblical discipline. 

Biblical Spanking

A biblical spanking is a loving discipline that only comes from a place of calm, collected self-discipline on the part of the parent.  Not in frustration.  Not in anger.  But as a matter-of-fact consequence for sin, one designed to lead a child from a place of external discipline in his immaturity into that of self-discipline in maturity.  You can’t do that if you’re not in full control of yourself.

And the best way to ensure that spankings happen when — and only when — you’re calm, cool, and collected is to make spanking a first resort.

But What About That Whole “Not Spanking for Everything All the Time” Thing?

Right about now you’re probably wondering if I really value the concern about overuse, noted at the beginning of this post.  I really do — and I believe there’s a better way to address it.

Spanking should be a first resort…for particular types of offenses.  That is to say, the type of discipline (or training) used should depend not on the severity of the offense, but on the nature of the offense.

This is a biblical idea.

The Old Testament law didn’t dictate that if you punched someone you paid a fine, and then if you punched him again, you paid a higher fine, and then if you punched him again (and this time you knocked him out) you got stoned.  It dictated that, as the saying goes, “the punishment should fit the crime.” If you stole, you were to make restitution.  If you physically harmed someone, your punishment was physical.  If you treated an unmarried woman as though she were your wife, you had to provide for her like a wife.

Obviously, the overall nature of the offenses we’re addressing with our children are different.  They’re (mostly) not stealing from people, taking other people’s wives, or failing to control goring oxen.  They’re coloring on the walls, neglecting their chores, and refusing to get ready for bed.  But the same principle is valid: forgetting to empty the dishwasher, and stubbornly refusing to brush your teeth when Mom tells you to are categorically different.

Different parents will determine these categories differently — hopefully by considering Scriptural precedent — but to give you an idea, let me give some specific examples.  Many families limit spanking to willful rebellion.  That’s when the child fully understands what you’re asking of him, is fully capable of doing it, and just simply blatantly chooses not to obey because he doesn’t want to/doesn’t feel like it.  God takes rebellion very seriously, equating it to witchcraft, and treating it as a capital offense (presumably for adults who hadn’t learned this lesson in childhood).  Spanking emphasizes the seriousness of rebellion against authority.

But if the same child lies, a more fitting response might be to withdraw certain privileges, because he’s no longer trustworthy.  If he neglects his chores (laziness), that might net him extra tasks so he can get extra practice in diligence.

When most kinds of offenses are met with other consequences, spanking is naturally kept to a minimum, without having to treat it as a “last resort” that breeds frustrated reactivity rather than calm, measured responses.