Dear Readers,

Today I want to talk to you a little more about keeping your Valuables Safe at home. Previously, I told yous about property security. 

(Yous? Really? Lowering the bar a little are we…?)

Yes, yous. Now, I is going to tells yous about keeping your valuables safe.

(Did you forget how to speak?)

What can I say? I’ve got my Ali G hat on…

(Except he doesn’t say yous). 

Fine, fine. I’ll take it off then. The missus doesn’t like it anyway… 

The Front Door

I’ve got a mate (not Ali G, though he is kinda Middle Eastern), who’s got a thing for secure front doors. I know it’s a funny thing to say, but he’s got a big fat security door, which he bought 20 years ago (approx). It’s super pretty compared to the ordinary doors we’ve all got. And much more secure too.

As if that wasn’t enough though, last month, he decided to upgrade his door, with a brand new secure locking mechanism. He said it’s called Defender, but I couldn’t find anything called Defender online. So, I don’t know exactly what lock he got, but the key is much smaller than the big keys you might be used to on security doors (if you have one), and he paid £400 for the privilege. So I guess it’s a fairly solid lock.

All well and good right? Except for one thing. He lives in a house. 

So What? 

Well, it’s an ordinary house. So it’s not a flat on the 12th floor where the security door is the only serious entry point to the flat. It’s a house with a back garden and side access. This house’s main entry point is rock solid. The thief is not likely to get through this door. However, that’s of secondary importance, because the security around the rest of the house does not match that of the glorious front door. Yes, there’s a motion sensor light which comes on at night, but the windows and back door are ordinary. So what’s the point of the super safe front door? I asked him.

“So what’s the point of the super safe front door…?”

“Shut up”.

The Thing

The thing is, he already had a secure front door, with a serious lock on it. This means that maybe 1% or 2% of thieves could get through the door. Now, he’s upgraded, so now maybe 0.1% of thieves can get through the door. What’s the point though, if 50% of thieves can still get through the window you’ve got?  

(Where did you get these thieving statistics? You didn’t steal them from somewhere did you?)

OK, I admit the stats on this aren’t an exact science, but the exact numbers aren’t important. The rough ratios are important. It doesn’t matter if no one can get through the door, if so many more can get in through the window. 

Different Kinds Of Burglars

To illustrate the point, we’ll talk about different kinds of burglars. Who would know it? But there’s a variety of burglars apparently. I am not a “burglarist” myself, but I did a little bit of research. Essentially, there are the opportunist, the scout/hunter/prowler (depends on the website) and the pro.

The opportunist is the guy who sees the open window and jumps in, taking whatever he wants. The scout/hunter/prowler are all more or less the same. They’ll do a little research (or more research), so they’ll have an idea of what’s what before they go into a place. Then there’s the pro. The pro will do thorough “PhD” research before breaking into a place, and will normally steal a specific high value item (e.g. like a Picasso or something). So if the pro’s got his eye on your house, he’ll get in. Nothing to be done. Don’t lose any sleep over that. 

The rest of the burglars though, you can either keep out, or at least discourage. The previous security post told you about securing the house, so we’re going to leave that, and talk more about what to do once the burglars are in the house (i.e. keeping your valuables safe). 

Keeping Your Valuables Safe (Where Not To Hide Them)

Well, every house is different, and people’s circumstances can be different too, so don’t just take what I say at face value. You should see how it matches your own circumstances. The basics though are these.

Don’t hide your valuables in your bedroom. This is a big no-no, because this is the first place the burglars will look. Especially under the mattress or bedside drawers. No! Additionally, the living room, dining room, and other areas of the house where you might have nice stuff where the thief might look, you don’t want to hide things. 

Better places are the kitchen and the kids rooms. Also, places which are out of the way, like the attic, are good. Burglars generally do not want to spend too much time in the house (the longer they stay, the higher the chance they’ll get caught), so they are likely to spend the little time they have in your bedroom and in the living/dining room/office. So try to avoid those places.

Dirty Underwear And Sock(ets)

Now, assuming that you’ve got your rooms sorted out, how about going a step further with special “hiding gear”? There are long lists of hiding gear online if you look.  Well, I’ve got two favourites myself.

I start with the ol’ dirty underwear. I think this is great idea. If you have this, just throw it in the laundry, and the thieves are not likely to find it, as they’re not likely to go through your dirty laundry. If you remember, Nicolas Cage used this trick on a larger scale in Lord Of War (definitely my favourite Nicolas Cage movie). However, even this doesn’t come with guarantees. If you’ve put gold in it (for those of you who like to diversify your assets – which Middle Eastern and Asian people do), then the thief with the metal detector will find it (admittedly not your everyday burglar). If you hide just money in it, that could work, unless you’ve got a cleaning lady (or better half) who’ll throw all your £50 notes in the washing machine (innocent mistake or money laundering? You decide…).

An alternative is the ol’ socket safe. This one is a bit more foolproof, even if you have a metal detector, there’s already metal in the socket, and it’s unlikely that a thief will go around the house and look for the socket which is not a socket. 

If you don’t like any of these two, you can go through some online lists (e.g. this one).

One last tidbit I’d like to give you is this. Don’t put all your stuff in one place. No matter how secure you think it might be, you don’t want someone going off with your cash, your bank books AND your passports. Try to spread them out a little. I had a friend, who had all his family stuff in one bag (he wasn’t trying to hide it, he was going on a trip). Thief took it the night before, so instead of going on holiday… he had to spend the next week cancelling all his passports, cards etc etc. Twas a proper kick in the proverbial nuts…

Conclusion

For women, valuables are your credit cards and your jewellery. For men (and squirrels), your valuables are your nuts. No matter what sex (or species) you are, I hope you will all be keeping your valuables safe.

And with that… I leave you dear Readers. Till next time! 

Your nutty friend,
SJ 

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