Dear Kid,
Pay Attention!
Today is not the day to go around with your earbuds in and the tunes on High. Today is a day to be vigilant! To Watch One’s Back (and front). To beware of small green people (not the leprechaun type).
That’s right–today is Alien Abduction Day.
We’re not entirely sure why; presumably the people that know why aliens prefer abducting people on March 20th are currently elsewhere, planetarily speaking.
Back in the dim recesses of time (and by “dim recesses of time” I mean 2008), Toronto hosted an Alien Abduction Festival. Some people say that’s where the holiday originated.
If we delve further back in time (and by “further back in time” I mean 1961), Betty and Barney Hill were driving along a dark and deserted road (aren’t they always) in New Hampshire when they saw flashing lights in the sky which turned into a spacecraft. Two bipedal humanoid creatures emerged. Two hours later, Betty and Barney found themselves in the same spot with no memory of what happened.
It was the early 60s, but IT WAS THE 60s! What do you think happened?
Let the research continue…
Way, way back in time (and this time I’m referring to November 1896) Colonel HG Shaw was driving through the countryside (told you it’s always on the dark and deserted byways), when he came across a landed spacecraft.
And I quote:
Shaw described it as having a metallic surface which was completely featureless apart from a rudder and pointed ends. He estimated a diameter of 25 feet and said the vessel was around 150 feet in total length.
These beings were 7 feet tall and very slender with small hands, fingers without nails, and feet that twice as long as normal and functioned similar to a monkey’s feet, according to Shaw’s description.
All of the beings carried with them a bag of some kind with a hose which they often stuck in their mouths, obviously to breath with. Although there was still some daytime left, the beings also carried with them egg-shaped lamps which glowed.
They approached from the craft while “emitting a strange warbling noise.” The beings reportedly examined Shaw’s buggy and then tried to physically force him to accompany them back to the airship.
The aliens were said to give up after realizing they lacked the physical strength to force Shaw onto the ship.
They entered the hovering cigar UFO by springing up from the ground and above their craft, and then floated down into the craft through an unseen entry. Soon, the object flew away.
Clearly, this was part of the Martian frat hazing from the days before stricter rules were put in place.
All of these stories are bunk and bologna. We know this because of the detailed notes taken by JJ Neanderthal, one of Mr. and Mrs. Joe Neanderthal’s less idiotic offspring.
It seems that one day, a spaceship landed while Mrs. Joe Neanderthal was cleaning up the cave. The neighbors were coming for dinner and she was trying to straighten up the dirt to make a good impression. The children were not helping and Joe was off hunting something for dinner.
Being that kind of neanderthal, Mrs. Joe ignored the spacecraft until a small purple martian emerged (my story–they can be purple). Mrs. Joe immediately recognized another being to put to work and handed the martian a broom. The martian asked a series of complicated questions including when the wall-to-wall carpet was arriving. Mrs. Joe handled the inquiry the only reasonable way and punched the little dude.
When he came to, the martian was in his spaceship with no idea how he’d gotten there, but a very good idea about not visiting with Mrs. Joe again.
Once this was reported, martian explorers have headed in other directions where they presumably don’t get punched.
Happy Alien Abduction Day.
