It’s been complicated road so far. Just yesterday I have experienced one of the most hurtful cravings so far thats been triggered by two girls and a guy in the walmarts parking lot. I was just standing there sabotaging myself like every Thursday by binge smoking cigarettes and I see these two people sitting in the car. A while later I find out that they are waiting for their friend who unloaded huge ass bottle of vodka. College kids having a party. My heart just sank. I wanted to crawl in to the ball at that moment how much it hurted. This has been one of the most hurtful experience. I wanted to fucking cry but had no tears.

This whole week have been filled with triggers. I come to find out how dangerous long weekends are for me. Three days off, well four if you include Friday night because of the memorial day and I go completely crazy. I dont seem to be in peace at my days off anymore. Being around people stresses me out and yet now I have difficulty being alone as well. Where did being content go away?

Friday night after work has become a huge trigger

I never had this problem before. Now I do and I need to find a solution quickly. I have been observing myself while going through this insanity on Friday nights. It is complicated thing to deal with whole Friday Night excitement especially in summer time. When you around people ( at work mostly) you cant protect yourself from feeling the vibe, hey I was just like them and friday nights where always filled with joy and that excitement of getting wasted. There is no greater pleasure in the world then running to liquor store as fast as possible after work and once at home chugging that beer down your throat. When you hit that moment of fuck yeah and enormous pleasure floods your brain. I am sorry hopefully I didn’t triggered you. I come to find out that I have hard time transitioning from workday to the free time mostly due to trying to seek out pleasure. Its understandable after all I been working hard all week especially this one. Working a lot+beer= ultimate pleasure to me. Now I am fucked, while all my co workers trying to hurry up so they can seek out their pleasure I get none. How can you possibly deal with that? I thought I supposed to have this issue in the first days of stopping drinking not 6 months in.

Low energy and digestion problems

I seriously overlooked this issue and it affects my Recovery greatly. Did you know that digestion issues can cause anxiety and even depression? Anxiety? I guess there are a lot of nerves that are connected to the brain through spinal cord. Irritable bowel syndrome can be serious issue and I don’t seem to be able to solve it. I went to the doctor, all he did was to prescribe me over the counter anti acid. That helped me for a week till I started having constipation. Every time you take medications you just end up having even more side effects. It doesn’t solve anything. I have been trying to juice myself, but who wants to do that? Energy increase and health needs to become one of my highest priority. I am making changes, I went on blueberry binge, made some celery juice cut down significantly on processed foods because my body having hard time digesting it, its unpleasant when your heart starts racing, anxiety goes up and the only way how I managed to stop that shit is to vomit. I am not fucking anorexic.

I cant accomplish anything if I am always tired no matter how much I want it. I must humbly admit that food influences my mood and sobriety for that matter. I don’t want to hear that! I already have given up the most pleasurable thing in my life, drinking. Food been secret source of my tiny pleasure and I cant eat it?. My misery doesn’t stop increasing…

When urge to drink comes, my brain splits in half

Honestly there was a time right before recently when urges went away. All I had was mood, digestion, low energy and being unhappy issues.  Now I have these massive cravings. It makes my body shake how much I want to drink. My brain just fucking splits in half just like two parents fighting (hey, who didn’t had that trauma while growing up?) and I am essentially stuck in the middle. I have totally forgot about using dialectical thinking. “I want to drink but I don’t have to”. I remember how much I liked that in rehab. It was one of my favorite coping skills. Ahh memories.

Worst experience ever when your brain says “DRINK, DRINK, DRINK” and the other half is like “NOO”, I am just stuck there by my car smoking cigarettes as hard as I can till I get so dizzy that I am about to pass out. It is truly the definition of pain. Thats the only time when I take out a calendar and use my phone to calculate how many days I have been sober. At that moment I am truly in the middle. Going to the any kind of meeting at that point either alcoholics anonymous, smart recovery or even texting someone is everything. I think aa did saved me this friday, it was so bad that I truly didn’t want to be in my body. Yes, I would have definitely gotten drunk if I haven’t got rid of my excuses and taken Full Responsibility for myself. Still being in a victim role is another one that leads to relapsing. Accepting that there is nothing or anyone in the world that can make me drink besides me cuts excuses out and puts pressure on me. What decision will I make? Am I ready to take full responsibility for relapsing? My mid travels back in time, playing tape through, not about the horrors of drinking anymore but all that insane effort that I have been putting into my sobriety. I have earned my sobriety day by day, it wasn’t given to me. I put enormous effort, countless hours, dealt with cravings every fucking day for weeks sometimes. Emotions kept on being insane, had nightmares that damaged me psychologically… why go back to the beginning instead of moving forward? I know what its like to be in the middle, why would I want to be stuck between relapsing and sobriety. I need to pick a side…

Its a true definition of insanity wanting to go back to drinking after how much pain alcohol has caused me

Accepting that I need to take action if I want things to become better

I am truly taking myself out of victim role, that said I take full responsibility for my well being. I have encountered problems regarding taking action. Humans will do anything to avoid taking action, Action seems to be the hardest thing in our lives. That said its extremely hard to do anything when I feel all for depressed fo example but I have to. Giving up to depression and just laying there in bed, which I usually do is not an option anymore. Same goes for my health and juicing. Not juicing and not changing diet is not an option anymore. Truth is that diet affects my recovery very much. I need strength and energy to deal with all day stresses as well as mental strength to take various social risks and try something new which I have been lacking lately due to poor health.

Hardships and cravings in early recovery are there to test me how badly I really want this

I am fucked as soon as I will admit to myself that this is impossible or too hard to stay sober. Its like being defeated before I even get defeated. There are moments where I don’t know how I am staying sober. I am still very uncomfortable with not drinking. I need to realize that I am going through a lot, my whole body is in shock. I have to find ways how to release my stress and not to go crazy. I see why it is a long process. It would be a big mistake to look at this long term instead of one day at the time. This is war and I am being tested pretty much every day, my strength is at this moment, now. Every time I go through enormous craving and overcome temptation my self esteem grows. It opens the door to self loving, I am starting to like myself. I could never like myself while in my addiction. Loving and wanting yourself is everything. Why would anyone want me if I don’t want myself? This was my mistake of trying to sell myself, thinking thats how I will raise my self esteem. By not letting alcoholism define me I become someone worthy in my own eyes, sobriety is reserved only for toughest people. Hardships are changing me, only during hardships that I grow in every way and transform to be someone better.