I have been lately in trouble with my cravings. I think its partially due to my fault.
Usually when I have a craving or Urge I try to suppress it and fight it off but this time it was different. I let myself feel it all the way. I have no idea how I have not relapsed yet. I felt all of the excitement that Drinking brings, tried to remember the taste of it and that initial buzz. My brain went completely crazy. Part of me was just tired of fighting. I don’t get people who say that they don’t have many urges. I get them all the time and its not getting any easier, just old.
This is the fourth day since this urge is still on my mind and I cant fucking shake it off. I even had one of those weird dreams of Relapsing, I drank two beers, it was either blue moon or samuel adams because of the type of bottle that i can remember from my dream. This disturbed me even more because while sleeping I was aware of me relapsing. I chose not to tell anyone because It was only two beers. I remember feeling regret afterwards maybe thats why I didnt pick up my third one. I built my sobriety on lies. Rules are broken now. Technically it wouldn’t be a big deal, its only two beers but whats stopping me from getting just one more and one more afterwards?
Relapsing cant be taken lightly because once it becomes a norm then you are totally fucked. I wouldn’t want to be in the cycle of falling and getting up and yet I still have hard time imagining myself being Sober for the rest of my life.
I have been falling into my old ways. I think its expected. Rehab hype is coming down. I dont feel that special anymore. I am glad I have taken responsibility for my own sobriety. Thats what prevented me from picking up that beer when I let myself feel the craving all the way. The reason was simple, I had no one or nothing to blame on. If I messed up its going to be my own fault and I mean it is so not logical for me to start drinking right now. I put so much effort and so many hours into it. To start over would be too unpleasant. Why go through the same stupid shit again. Its not like I can control my drinking. I can probably manage it for a short period of time till it gets all over control. I am doing better now then I did while drinking. Recovery not supposed to be just rainbows and unicorns. I cant expect easy or I will fail. I need to give myself a lot of sober time so I can understand whats being sober looks like. Less chaos and pain for sure.
Going through this hell can be beneficial. Its an experience. I am rewiring my brain from yes to drinking to no, its not okay to drink. So by feeling my urge all the way and not acting on it I am reshaping my automatic response to what I do when I have the urge. I am hopeful that one day it will take less pain and effort to deal with my urges, but for now I need to embrace the struggle.