I know a lot of people use the statement “I am a failure” to draw a pity to themselves. It is always easier to be a victim especially if you have a drinking or any kind of substance addiction problem but I don’t want to go this way of being a failure anymore. Tic, tock, tic, tock…Time is ticking away. What’s the end game plan?

Instant gratification

My failures aren’t due to lack of ambition but mostly due to some rules that I don’t seem capable of following. Instant Gratification is one of them. I am paying a big price for it. I chose to work long hours just because it provided quick money, that’s the only reason why I loved working so much and couldn’t earn any kind of degree.

Two to three years of minimum education as for starters seemed like a long time when the paycheck was coming every week. If not my sobriety I would have never learned how much instant Gratification is affecting me. Part of saying no to my cravings involves dismissing one of my biggest gratifications of all, drinking. But once I started accepting the pain of denying it to myself its changing my mindset. Things are becoming possible for me. Although I don’t think I will ever become gratification free ( let’s face it, it’s fun!) but being aware of this force helps me understand how my choices are being shaped. I can finally be mindful about it and start questioning them and their cost.

Lack of beneficial habits

Drinking made me into nothing, just empty space. I have no good habits. Establishing them takes work and instant gratification is ruining everything for me. Besides that my issue is caring. I am scared that I will never turn this ship around but that’s the only thing right now that makes me care, being scared. I really hope that as time passes by being sober will help me gain some old me.

My plan for establishing habits is much clearer now since I have read a lot of books about it. I literary have binge read the shit out of it. It seems that habits are brains auto system. I would always get frustrated for having hard time doing what needs to be done on the daily base. I wondered why? Using mindfulness approach I would just observe myself and my daily actions till I found the answer: “New things take a will power and it happens to be that our will power is limited”. Yep, limited will power has been proven scientifically thats why our brain loves habits and hates new things. New habit establishment is all about repetition. Forget the motivation. It is too volatile because it depends on our mood and feelings. There is no need to have any motivation. Isn’t that wonderful? Maybe thats why I have noticed that when I do things out of habit its nothing exciting. It requires no feelings whatsoever! and its will free so I dont use my daily will quota.

So how do we work on repetition? When it comes to repetition the main problem for me is that I set normal goals. For example: read 20 minutes. To my ego its nothing big but when it comes to repeating the reading every day it becomes tiring. The obstacle becomes just to start reading and I loose all the work I have put in by skipping it. I have noticed I usually do things in bursts instead of every day. Luckily I have found the solution. I need to set my habit so stupid low that I cant fail. When it comes to reading a book my new habit is just to read one page a day! I cant say no to that. That way there are no obstacles to staring reading no matter how much I dont want or dont feel like. I tell myself: “Common its one page lets get over it”. That just kills any possible procrastination and once I start I usually read way more then first intended. Its all about tricking my brain into trying new things that take me out of comfort zone. Eventually it will familiarize itself and it should become a habit that I just do without any thinking.

But wait, there is more. I did failed a few of my mini habits and here’s why: ” all those failed habits had something in common, no meaning behind them.” I find that meaning is very important to me. For example I was able to establish to eat fruit every day habit or eat 3 times a day because I knew it will help me with my digestion and ongoing acid reflux problem. The ones I failed were those that I wish I had them because it would be nice.

Arguing with my voice instead of ignoring it

Action is the key, its much more important then any big wish I might have. I lack in action department due to me getting into argument with my ego voice before I take any action. Unfortunately my ego wins and I end up in frustration all actionless.

I need to stop allowing the argument to appear and just do it. No more bargaining. For that to happen I need to sit down and develop my schedule. I really do not know how to solve this problem at the moment but it would be amazing if I could just force myself to do things that need to be done instead of ending up in frustration of washy wishing.

I am scared and dont trust myself

Nothing to add here

Sleep

My main coping mechanism, hiding spot and pleasure of pure escape that I abuse enormously to the point that I am sick and my head hurts. It needs to stop but I do think it is getting better… better as in tiny better. I have inability to escape and try something new.

Being overwhelmed

How am I going to do all this?