Much has been written about Gaslighting behaviour in relationships. It’s a term that has entered into psychological literature and the current lexicon when talking about emotionally abusive relationships. See this link for more information What Is Gaslighting? What You Need To Know – Forbes Health

Gaslighting is, in essence, a behaviour whereby one person manipulates the thinking of another person. Primarily to make the other person doubt their own reality and be easier to control.

It’s a concept that I have found interesting to read about and more recently something that entered my own life.

I was unfortunately involved in a relationship with an absolute master manipulator. His skill was unsurpassed. He had a lifetime of manipulating, lying to and controlling the women in his life. I was just one in an endless stream.

It started early on, probably in the first couple of months, if not weeks. His external façade was charming, slick and had an appearance of warmth and bonhomie.

I recall one evening when we had dinner together, shared a bottle of wine, and were relaxing and chatting during and afterwards. Not chatting about anything controversial, just pleasant conversation.

All the sudden he pointed a finger at me and said: “I need to tell you something about yourself that you do not want to hear”.

I was taken aback, to be honest I was pretty sure that I did not want to hear something that I “did not want to hear”.

He continued and said: “You need to know that you can be really cold and Remote, and I have to tell you”.

I was shocked as we had been having a lovely, pleasant meal and chat. In fact, our whole early relationship to that point had seemed to be warm and friendly. I was very open with him and trusting and I’m fairly sure that I was not in the least cold or remote.

I said that I did not feel that I am either cold or remote. He insisted that I was and that I had to be told.

Hmmmm….

This same conversation happened at irregular and surprising intervals. Surprising, as they always came after a lovely meal or time spent together (always when drinking wine – so my mind was never quite sharp enough).  Always when I was feeling very warm and loving towards him. Afterwards I was left feeling hurt and upset and a bit shaky. It aways felt a bit surreal (that is one of the ways many recipients of gaslighting behaviour describe it, I didn’t realize that until I read more about it) and I felt that I had slipped into the twilight zone. It always began in the exact same way. The script was always the same. “I need to tell you something you do not want to hear…” followed by the accusation of coldness/remoteness – when I was always the very opposite of that.

I disagreed with him, and he insisted that he was correct and that I just did not realize what I was like, and he had to tell me – repeatedly.

I would puzzle over this when I was on my own. I really am not a cold or remote person. But I started to doubt myself. Was he seeing something in me that I could not? He said it often enough and randomly enough that it caused me to constantly examine my behaviour and emotions when I spent time with him.

Eventually I checked in with family and friends who have known me either all my life or a great part thereof. I just needed a reality check, no-one who knows me well thought what he said was true, they always confirmed that I am the exact opposite. Heck, I even called my ex-boyfriend for his feedback/advice. I figured that an ex would not pull any punches in being honest with me – even though we were no longer together, we still stayed in touch. I asked him if during our relationship he ever found me to be cold or remote. He was really surprised and said absolutely not. He said I was always warm and lovely, and he could not imagine anything further from who I am as a person.

The next time the script came up I finally said: “I’m neither of those things and I do not accept you saying that about me”. So that one stopped.

Over the next couple of years, the script changed. It always began with the “I need to tell you something you do not want to hear…” Followed by a description of some terrible flaw of my character. Sometimes the comments were quite ludicrous, and I would just quietly disagree, and he would get angry and keep insisting. Then the next day he always acted like nothing had happened or been said and he would act completely normal. Again, very surreal.

Fortunately, it no longer worked on me. I recognised it for what it was – gaslighting. Never again did I doubt myself in that relationship, however I do realize I should have left a lot earlier. I recognised what he was doing, I made a choice to stay for the companionship, but in the end, nothing is worth being treated poorly.