No one is the problem in your relationship, but how can that be true?

It seems so obvious to you when the other person is wrong. But what happens to communication when we get fixated on being right instead of listening?

How do we act with our partner/s when we refuse to consider any kind of alternative to the one we’ve decided is the best course of action?

We behave pretty badly, in my experience.

That’s how we get stuck in cycles, having the same argument over and over, unable to find a solution.

We believe the other person is the problem and we feel hurt that they can’t see how they’re negatively impacting us.

There is an alternative.

What if you both consider the idea that the problem is the problem?

REALLY consider that for a moment.

Housework. Not listening. Scrolling. Who is in charge of what duties and jobs. How often we have sex (and what constitutes satisfying sex for everyone involved). Nagging. Whingeing. Grunting as a form of communication. Lack of romance. Whose family and friends we spend the most time with. How often someone is at work. Who gets to pursue their hobbies and interests the most. Who picks the kids up from school.

What if the issues that arise under these topics (and many more) are not anyone’s fault?

If you know these kinds of problems happen to everyone (and spoiler: they do) then why do you insist they happen because the person you supposedly love most in the world has a problem?

Maybe you BOTH have a problem, and if you learn to face it together, you might actually see a way through it.

Sit down with the very best of intentions to tackle a problem TOGETHER.

Don’t enter the discussion with five pages of notes on why you’re right and why the other person needs to change. This is not a debate. Try and be as open as possible to whatever will arise. Be detectives. This is an investigation!

You are looking for a mutually agreeable problem.

One of you feels the chores are unfairly distributed. One of you would like to be having more sex. How would you reframe these as couples problems?

Bear in mind that if one of you feels something is a problem, then it is. It’s not ok to swipe a problem off the table just because one of you isn’t struggling with it.

Also bear in mind you aren’t going to fix all the problems in one conversation, so try to stick to just one or maybe two (at the most). The idea is to get used to talking about problems in the third person.

Relationship problems as their own separate entity.

Pick something that isn’t too serious to start off with. Just say you name it ‘the washing-up problem’.

• Who does it affect?
• How does it affect them?
• How does it make you both feel when you argue about it?
• How does the washing-up problem get you down?
• Why does it invade your couple experience?
• In what ways does it interfere with the love you feel for your partner/s or your family?
• Are you ok with the washing-up problem doing that to your relationship?
• How can you be more of a team when facing the washing-up problem?

These questions are not exhaustive. Keep going. Interrogate the washing-up problem until you’re sick to death of it.

Don’t leap into solutions (especially if they’re the same ones you’ve tried a million times that you never stick to). Try to really listen to your partner without seeing it as an attack (and don’t be the attacker).

No one is the problem in your relationship. The problem is the problem. The more you can talk openly and honestly without blame and defensiveness about the washing-up problem, the greater foundation you are laying for finding a solution to this problem AND future bigger problems as they arise.

Want some help? Get in touch with me here for relationship counselling. Sign up for more posts like this + all things narrative therapy and mental health here. For bitesize help follow me on Instagram here.

Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash

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