Don’t forget to look me up on Instagram, TikTok, and Twitter under “RealAutismSpeak” if you want to follow my daily exploits, for more than what I’m able to put out here–for the time–on this blog! Also on Clouthub, Gab, MAGAbook, Telegram, GETTR, Minds, Truth Social, and Locals as well….might look into Substack too.

I realize now, looking back, I could’ve called my last update “I Choo-Choo Choose You”, in reference to a classic Simpsons episode, and it would’ve fit a lot better for the criteria in the update than referencing a song by La Bouche, but ah well…..hindsight is the year of Covid….

So, this entry will be both a sequel to an entry from an unofficial miniseries, but will also serve as the potentially the first part to an unofficial two-parter; how d’ya like that? It’s like the Garry Marshall universe around here: sequels and spinoffs to go around; I can assure you the Fonzie, Lenny and Squiggy are not complaining, and if I really wanted to, I could always ask Chaci if he is, because we follow each other on Twitter. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanyway……let’s get to it, shall we?

I was recently watching an episode of the animated 1980s C.O.P.S series–no, not that reality show series with 19 seasons featuring Inner Circle’s “Bad Boys” song as their theme, but the series with toys created by Hasbro with the tag line “fighting crime in a future time” that was also an indirect spinoff of GI Joe: A Real American Hero–and the episode I was watching was admittedly one of the sillier plotlines, featuring a caveman that had been frozen in ice that was being brought to Empire City, villains Dr. Badvibes and Berserko (two of my favorites) were sent aboard the ship by Big Boss (crime lord) to retrieve it, and switch it out for Berserko, so he could get into the museum and steal everything, and part of the episode plotline was that Officer Patrick “LongArm” O’Malley’s son Brian was now attending a new school, and was having difficulty making friends, and confesses to colleague Donny “Hardtop” Brooks that he just wishes his son would “try a little harder”; the minute I heard this, I blinked, and jotted a note about this down in my little log book for the sake of this discussion. I also want to quickly mention that I find it incredibly annoying whenever O’Malley’s father and wife both refer to him as LongArm; I could see his fellow Cops calling him that, but his own family? Hell, I could see his wife calling him “Long (something else)”, but not his codename, but I digress

Lemme try to collect my thoughts here to explain my problem with that line, and not specifically cause some animated character I like said it, but because of what a dangerous concept that actually is in real life, and even worse for Autistic folks. How many times have you either been given that line in your existence, or told your kids, or the kids of someone you know that exact line? Ok, here’s another question for you: do you ever tell two random people “could you at least try to be in love?”? What’s the old saying about if you have to force it? “But Russell, trying isn’t forcing it!!!!!!!”; well, it kind of is, because by “trying”, you’re attempting to negotiate chemistry and desire; either you have it with people or you don’t, you can’t force it. You know all those PSAs talking about being yourself and not giving in to peer pressure, and all that shit that the majority doesn’t genuinely believe in anyway, because the matrix system doesn’t really abide by it at all, favoring “barcode” socializing? Well, when you’re “trying” to socialize, you fall into exactly that territory, because your focus is on pleasing others, whether or not it genuinely benefits you; if it was genuinely beneficial to both parties, and it’s what both honest-to-God wanted, it’s not necessary to negotiate; both parties would be more than happy to be involved, and wouldn’t need peer pressure, shaming, or any of those other methods; in genuine chemistry, the parties know each other, respect each other, and care to better each other on those terms; they can also sell an alternate option to each other, because again, it’s about the genuine well-being, celebration, and improving on what they already have.

If you’re gonna “negotiate” it, none of that is really there, cause it didn’t happen naturally. It’s more of a “we’ll take whatever we can get” thing, and there’s less of an incentive to offer proper nurturing, really get to know the other person, and a whole list of other things. Hell, even think of the classic line by Master Yoda in Empire Strikes Back: “do or do not; there is no try”.

So now you may wonder, how much utterly worse is all of this for Autistic folks, since we don’t just randomly flow with fucking anyone? Well my friends, I’m here to provide you more examples from my childhood of exactly that, and something tells me when I’m done telling you these examples, you will likely think I got “taken for a ride”, but you’ll have to remember that the pressure was on for me to “be as worthwhile as my other peers and family members”, and it was either that, or nothing at all; so….let’s dive into this, shall we? And hey, look on the bright side….if I didn’t go thru all of this, would I be able to relay it all to you now, to take into consideration for your own experiences, and those around you? If my early life was meant to be a “guinea pig test subject” of sorts to make sure things would be better for others in our community later, so be it; I can take it!

So as I stated in the original entry (linked above), it wasn’t uncommon for me to go thru my class directory on a Saturday afternoon–following the Saturday morning animated bloc–in hopes that I’d find someone to hang out with, and not be bored out of my mind (unless I was going somewhere with my parents, that day); well, a little bit later on in my earlier years–and I don’t remember how this happened (but I know it definitely happened mid-way thru Elementary School)–I semi-befriended a few fellas who were in my neighborhood; and by “semi-befriended” I mean one day they were the most seemingly awesome people to me in the world, and the next day they’d turn on me on a dime (remember that scene in the It movies, where Finn Wolfhard seems like he’s making a connection with that bully at the arcade, and as soon as the buddy’s friends arrive, he throws him under the bus? Kinda like that….but a lot more often). One very consistent element in this was always being warned that this “one guy on the corner” was a really bad kid, and then the same people who warned me of this were hanging out with him; now granted, he was a bad kid, but eh….he was there.

Before I get into another major element of this story, there’s one huge factor about these situations I feel it vital to bring up: did I wind up occasionally joining in on some bad acts? Yes I did, but where I got kinda lucky was that I never went too far with it, potentially due to my own inner sense of morality. People always say “you were just a kid, though”, to which I must respond that unfortunately this is a toss-up area, because to say “but I knew right from wrong” would imply that I was attempting to work within a criteria that rewards and encourages right over wrong; it doesn’t, and if it did, I would’ve been far more nurtured as a kid to better my abilities to not waste my time focusing on these people and these stupid activities in the first place. In fact, in 2015–a few months following my Dad’s passing (while I was still in the grieving process), I attended my cousin’s wedding in NJ, and his brother gave a speech about some party or something that he wasn’t supposed to attend, and the people who did got in trouble for it; my Uncle asked him the following day “why am I only hearing about it now, as opposed to last night, when it happened?” His response, having bolted from it as soon as things went south was “I’m faster than they are”, and everyone had a good laugh over it.

This goes back to the whole thing–to me–about being told not to do this and that when we’re younger, and how much I trusted their word, but again..it turns out in the matrix system, that’s all bullshit; it’s built up to be “cool and risk taking” to do these stupid things, as long as you don’t get caught or something or other…but I’ll get back to that in a bit; I will just say that, before I get to the major element I was about to get to, it really does appear like the bulk of socializing within said system amounts to a bunch of mind games, and has little to do with genuinely wanting to do what’s right, and a myriad of other things….and the level of both betrayal I felt over all of this, as well as being down on myself in the process was beyond explanation, I can assure you.

Ok, so now here’s the next fun scenario: you’ve invited someone over, and they’re hanging out with you, then other semi-friends just stop by unannounced, and you’re just like “ok”, and guess what happens? Guess who the people you’ve invited over have the most chemistry and social flow with: you, or the people who just stopped by? Reminder: you’re Autistic; so now, you’re trying to keep the flow going for everyone, keep everyone happy, else everything breaks down and they all leave, and you look like an ass in the process, and on top of that, you both get side-lined, and are then turned into the butt of the joke…..the constant barrage of them; so you then get pushed to the point where you want them out, and they just claim “they’re kidding”; and how would you know? So, that’s right….the people you invited over aren’t even there to be with you anymore, but are more enjoying the other company who stopped by unannounced, and you’re simply thrown to the dogs, unless someone either feels bad for you, or wants to step in as pretend-savior for you. Seriously, this is another reason I wish I hadn’t wasted my time in the rat race with video games and Ninja Turtles figures (even if I did enjoy video games on and off throughout my earlier years, and still like Mario, Mega Man, Link, and company; I hate Sonic….don’t even start me on him, but anyway….). Almost all of these social interactions seemed to revolve around this bullshit rat race territory, and while it was fine for what it was, do I find myself actively excited by any of it now? On top of that, looking back, I can easily see how I got so used to relationships with toxic people who devalued me, “normalizing” them, as they were…..and why I’m still trying to understand my own self-worth now.

Oh, and before I get back into trying to “negotiate” interest with some other bombs, lemme tell you about another social event where–if you thought you were about to facepalm at everything I just told you about–oh fellas, you ain’t heard nothing yet; the thought of this one I confess I’m frustrated by to this day because I both had a meltdown, and also found it beyond confusing, and…..I kinda understand how it works, but in a way I feel like the concept “takes on a life of its own” in the process, and can get too overwhelming, especially when the social factor (with people who don’t even like you) is involved: Gift Swap events.

Oh God oh God how I utterly hate these events; the one in specific I remember was a holiday get-together party at the Hebrew School I attended. Of course there was a Gift exchange, but they did a Gift Swap event; so as I understand it (and you’re about to see why I get so confused, because it kinda makes sense to me on paper, but beyond that, I feel like I’m just caught with my pants down, as the whole thing goes down; yeah at nearly 41 years old I still don’t fully understand it). From what I understand you could open a gift, but someone could take a turn and steal it from you, and then….between those elements, and taking turns going round and everything, it just….it was overwhelming. The specific case I remember was I opened up this gift featuring a plush toy, and I was under the impression that we could exchange it with other kids after the gifts had been given or something, but that’s not how it’s done, and while the gift didn’t really mean much to me, literally mere moments later, some gal grabbed it from me, so I reached for another gift, was told not to, lunged for another nearby kid’s, was told not to, and I just ran out of the room crying.

It was fucking confusing beyond anything, and I deny nothing. One of the adults came out of the room shortly thereafter, as some girl offered me the panda bear she’d unwrapped, which I thankfully accepted, and my parents and I just left from there, and my Mom was disappointed yet again that the social experience was a bust. Reading everything I just posted about it, from my own memory, I think the mess was honestly a combination of many things, but I was probably hoping for a more orderly mutual exchange, and the rules were clearly there for the fun sake of drama, seeing how kids would react, and some other things I guess; incidentally enough, I kept that panda bear around for years, and eventually gave it to my previous ex-girlfriend, Jeanette; she has it now, hope she enjoys it; and we’re gonna talk a bit about her next time, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves. I clearly realize I found myself confused and overwhelmed, and again, at nearly 41, I still kinda am. I may’ve kept my cool better at other gift swaps I was at, but hell if I could tell you; I don’t remember them enough the way I remembered this one; I know those who are far more social do much better at these things because the social flow is there; hell, they probably work to plan this shit out with each other in a way, before the event happens, and folks like we are kept out of the loop; wouldn’t surprise me.

So, next on the list of attempting to “negotiate” interest was–since I brought up the “rat race”–bringing up my Dad’s job, since it was a common thing in my neck to brag about where our parents worked (knowing what I know now, I don’t think that will be an option there much longer, but all the same…..); now, my Dad had a very low-level position at his job, and for a variety of reasons….among them being that he really didn’t know what he wanted to do for an occupation (and he openly admitted this), but he also didn’t want a very stressful job either…and had a lot of problems finding employment after graduating from college, apparently. That being said, he worked for a company that was known for producing some well-known chewing gum and candy brands, so I offered to hook my classmates up, and as all little kids would do, they totally took advantage of the offer, and my Dad was happy to get us some. I just realized another fun element comes into play here, and this one may surprise you folks as well; actually….technically two fun elements come into play:

While I was trying to make my relatives and parents happy by attempting to make friends–thinking “they knew something I didn’t”–it all appears very short-sighted to me, looking back (then again, welcome to the matrix); natural chemistry didn’t happen, and likely knowing what I know now, for two reasons, being my focus was always on what the “end result” of that particular process was intended to be, and that my brain is designed to kinda “go thru the whole process of it” in my head to see if it’s what I really want as is; most Normies are not like that; their minds don’t process the experiences that way; it’s a “live in the moment” type deal…or closer to it than ours is. So at no point was I considering “do I even really want any of these people I’m trying hard to make my family happy with by being friends with?”; as stated here: that is never considered, because our needs aren’t considered. It’s conditioning us for that mentality, even if the Normies don’t necessarily realize it.

I even have one final example featuring a fella I was neighbors with in my last location in Madison, NJ; he lived in the apartment complex I did, on the other side of the street. I would ask him frequently, when we were outside, if he wanted to come over, and he just wanted me to “bring stuff out there”; I’d later find out from my friend that the kid just thought he was “too cool” to come over, or something. I even had the guy on Facebook for a period, and then he just ditched me there too. No I never made any attempts to reconnect; I really don’t care, and truthfully, remembering him as a kid, he was…just there as someone to hang out with; kinda wasn’t fond of him , from memory anyway.

The bottom line with all of this is very simple:

I know how much you either want to socialize, or want your kids to “be able to”, or whatever….and many of you may actually get them or yourselves to “try really hard”; I’ll say it again: how would it go down if I told you to “try to love someone”? Chemistry can’t be forced, and everything I told you about….are any of those experiences anything you genuinely would look back on proudly about? My money is it would be closer to saying “nah but…you know, it’s what we could get”; how do you know what you can get? You definitely won’t know if you insist on limiting your or your kid’s experiences to “what everyone else is doing”/following the rat race/doing things by the “barcode” matrix terms, rather than observing how they actually do thrive on their own terms. I was living in an area that not only did not understand what I brought to the table, but had no interest/desire for it anyway; from what I’ve heard recently, they couldn’t possibly desire it any less now. Where I live now appreciates me a lot more, and while they don’t fully understand it either, I enjoy where I am, and still live life on my own terms (not to mention the people I regularly chat with who really value my input, as well); that’s part of the key though….it has to be on your terms, not the terms you fear are dictated to you; hell, the Red-Pill dating channels discuss this all the time: if the other party has to dictate a whole list of things they specifically want, or else they don’t want you at all, do they really want you, or are they just tolerating you for living up to that list until what their heart guides them to comes along?! That isn’t love and appreciation, and you’re just wasting both your and their time with trying to live up to it, with no one being happy about it in the end.

So no, don’t “try” to make friends, cause then they won’t really be your friends; let what’s meant to be naturally fall into place on its own, and let genuine chemistry take place as it’s meant to; that’s how people really thrive, and true magic happens. It’s funny……Bill Maher had a New Rule segment last night talking about fights breaking out in Congress, and said how they could “take a cue from Hollywood, as half the people on set hate each other’s guts, but get it done, anyway”; well…..imagine how much more enjoyable the projects could be if those participating didn’t hate each other’s guts, and genuinely wanted to work with each other. Remember, Autistic folks are beings with an understanding on a 5th dimensional mentality; what we can offer you is leaps and bounds above everything you ever even thought to be the height of what you could experience, but you have to want that experience. I mean sure, we could just watch a few pixels on a screen while we hold a controller (and hey, if that’s what you want, fine!), but……if there’s something far more we’re drawn to, with the right nurturing, why not focus on that instead? “Trying” to make friends doesn’t make us thrive with them; it checks off some boxes, and may offer us some important things in our lives…….but letting us find chemistry with those we do thrive with–and on our own terms–will make that list of boxes to be checked completely obsolete, and we’ll not only learn the important things, but in a way you’ll see the potential absolutely unleashed.

Next time, somewhat in coinciding with the ten-year anniversary of this blog entry (when it was originally just an essay I wrote on Facebook), I want to share with all of you something I recently came to realize about when I was ending my relationship with Jeanette; something I told her, and how only now I realized she reacted to it….in part to help my own closure with it (and an explanation as to why that closure seems to have taken so long), and also to elaborate on certain elements of it for an Autistic perspective of it! See you then!