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I Don’t Like Where This Is Headed

It has now been six days since I stopped taking Prozac.

I know that Wellbutrin XL has had 30 days to establish itself in my system. And I am aware that Prozac builds up in the body and that based on the ½ life of my 20 mg dosage, some Prozac is still coursing through my veins. From a scientific perspective, it all makes sense.

But what about me?

My reality is that I am having a harder time getting out of bed. This was what I spent six months trying to figure out. I spoke with my therapist, my peer advocate, and most importantly, to my Psychiatrist. And yet my dragging out of bed continued.

And then, I spoke with my new doctors.

We reviewed the past year and my interactions with Prozac. They talked about different treatment options and we decided between three. Wellbutrin XL fit my personal circumstances more closely, and we settled on that to replace my Prozac.

For 30 days, I took the Wellbutrin XL, while still taking a smaller dose of Prozac.

That 20 mg of Prozac combined with the Wellbutrin Xl went to work almost at once. Within 6 days, I was getting out of bed without incident. There was none of the dragging around, not being able to focus. I wasn’t waiting for one to three hours for my head to clear so I could be productive. It was a new lease on life. I was leading a balanced life even with my Depression.

Then last Thursday, I had my first follow up appointment for medication management.

Going in, I knew that we were going to end the Prozac. I was aware of the ½ life aspects of Prozac. But I still expressed my apprehension about removing Prozac entirely from my daily regime. The success in getting out of bed without that cloud over my head swayed my opinion about stopping Prozac.

I agreed 100% to let go of the Prozac.

READ: My appointment over, it’s goodbye Prozac, hello Wellbutrin

But after 6 days, I am rethinking that decision. Even as I say that I know 6 days is not enough time. But the change in my ability to get out of bed changed on day three. And the next three days, including today, have been more and more of a struggle.

This morning, I was negotiating with myself for 15 more minutes of sleep.

The drain is insight. The abyss is just over the next hill. I do not want to go there again. I WILL NOT GET THAT BAD AGAIN. Tomorrow will be seven days on Wellbutrin XL by itself. When I wake up tomorrow, I will assess what transpires. If I can get up, then OK. If I find myself bargaining with myself for 5 more minutes of sleep, I will be calling my Psychiatrist.

As I write this, I realize that cloudiness is not a part of getting up.

Once I am out of bed, my head is clear. This was true all three days after I haggled with myself over getting out of the bed. I should be very thankful for that part. Not having to walk off a veil of unfocused thought, I am able to jump right into the day.

So, is it me projecting my worry about leaving Prozac behind?

Or is there something too my feeling of dread at having to strike a deal with myself to get out of bed? Instead of using unhelpful thinking and prophesizing the answer, I will go straight to the medical professional. Tomorrow, I will call and give my Doctor and update on my tolerance of the Wellbutrin XL by itself.

And I will let her know about my getting out of bed situation.

This makes more sense than just winging it and making assumptions about what is going on. Advocating for myself, I can clearly explain what I am experiencing and then let her tell me from a medical perspective, what the next step is.

It may very well be staying the course.

She may tell me that getting out of bed side effects will subside in X number of days. Or she may discuss tweaking what we are doing with my medication. The point is, I am involving a medical professional and am not trying to figure it out on my own.

Well, it is never really on my own, because depression is always there to add to the conversation.

And depression loves unhelpful thinking. It is one of the cornerstones of our relationship. It tosses me an idea, and then when there is a spark, depression fans the flames. Depression is helpful in that way. It always knows how to get me amped up. And then it knows to get out of the way because the next step is me falling towards the abyss. Depression loves it when I go there.

READ: I’m sending up flares, but no one sees my SOS

Grateful I am not groggy when I get out of bed, I will be alert to how I get up for the day.

If tomorrow is the fourth day of arbitration between me in bed vs me getting up, then I will make the call. And if things get a little better in the getting up department, I have plenty of notes to discuss with my doctor in three weeks. I am not sweeping this under the rug or ignoring this in the hopes it will get better on its own.

I am advocating for myself and will continue to take whatever steps are necessary to live a balanced life with depression.

My concealed depression is written under the alias “Depression is not my boss.” I have certifications in SMART Recovery and am a Global Career Development Facilitator.

Diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder last year, I am sharing what I learn. If you know someone who might benefit from reading this, please share. 

I very much appreciate your comments.

The post I Don’t Like Where This Is Headed appeared first on My Concealed Depression.

This post first appeared on Depression Is Not My Boss, please read the originial post: here

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I Don’t Like Where This Is Headed


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