2023-06-07 14:02
I’m Joel and I have Major Depressive Disorder. This short video gives a snapshot of what I am up against. I have learned one amazing thing about myself. Most of what I worry about neve… Read More
Blog Directory > Health & Fitness Blogs > Depression is Not my Boss health-and-fitness Blog >
Depression Is Not My Boss Blog
myconcealeddepression.com
Blogarama's Sponsor
For 43 years, I lied to myself about having depression. Now I face it and blog about mental health topics including; coping statements, unhelpful thinking, core emotions, self-care, and more.
If you or someone, you know needs help, call 1-800-273-8255 for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. You can also text HOME to 741-741 for free, 24-hour support from the Crisis Text Line.
2023-05-31 13:24
I tell myself I am better than most because I do not spend hours each day watching viral cat videos. Yes, I’m the guy who is always busy. There is always a project to plan, start, or f… Read More
2023-05-29 12:22
Many years ago, on Memorial Day, our children would march in the local parade in New Jersey. The weather was always suspect. The kids would be wearing their soccer or band uniforms, or the o… Read More
2023-05-28 14:09
In fact, I should be asking questions especially if I am sure of the answer. My recent experiences have led me to believe that taking people at face value is not always helpful. Over the yea… Read More
2023-05-23 12:58
I don’t believe it’s fair to blame my depression for my speeding. After all, my depression is not driving the truck, I am. And while depression is putting unhelpful thinking to w… Read More
2023-05-11 14:23
It is hard for me to remember the last time I smiled. I mean really smiled. That I’m so happy that I cannot help but smile type of smile. This feeling of happiness wasn’t really… Read More
2023-05-10 21:45
Photo by Markus Spiske on Unsplash I am listening in my truck to an Audible book about the landing of a man on the moon in 1969. The story includes mention of historical events including the… Read More
2023-04-29 12:48
Photo by Mario Purisic on Unsplash It’s inevitable. In a crowded airport and on a full flight, I see plenty of people. And the chances of me ever seeing them again are infinitely small… Read More
2023-04-16 13:29
Photo by Dariusz Sankowski on Unsplash How do I know that the next page is a new chapter? Mostly because I am writing this chapter. And I have written every chapter of my life so far. Howeve… Read More
2023-04-15 14:09
Photo by Braden Collum on Unsplash So, the stars aren’t perfectly aligned for me to be a contender today. The few times they have been, depression was involved, and the outcome wasn&rs&hell…Read More
2023-04-14 13:02
Photo by Jon Butterworth on Unsplash Do you ever find yourself thinking in absolutes? Believing that you either have to be perfect or not try at all? This all-or-nothing thinking can be a sl… Read More
2023-04-10 11:55
Photo by Dan Cook on Unsplash And I am not laughing about not laughing. I just read an article that listed 16 Things People Don’t Realize You Are Doing Because You Are Emotionally Numb… Read More
2023-04-09 13:27
Photo by Christopher Carson on Unsplash The word suffering seems so all-inclusive. Here’s what popped up in a Google search: Suffering, or pain in a broad sense, may be an experie… Read More
2023-04-07 01:31
Photo by Mika Baumeister on Unsplash I began 2023 by updating my list of Coping Statements. After 4 years, it seemed time to make sure my list was up to date. I wanted to see what I am using… Read More
2023-04-04 13:19
Photo by Joy Memon on Unsplash Depression and I go back almost 60 years, but I have only said “I have depression” for the past four. Before that, I was all about getting the epis… Read More
2023-03-28 13:51
Photo by Kaysha on Unsplash My checklist has items on it I did not complete. I have only checked off three. But I also policed the front and back yards for dog poo and then mowed the backyar… Read More
2023-03-21 23:20
Photo by Content Pixie on Unsplash The whole idea of being outside for a self-care day was exciting. And then to get to work on outdoor projects, was for me, the best self-care imaginable. A… Read More
2023-03-20 14:12
Photo by Total Shape on Unsplash 172.5 pounds is where I bottomed out after returning from Africa. And if I had let the scale finish this morning, it would have read 185 and something. But a… Read More
2023-03-19 13:47
Photo by Rehina Sultanova on Unsplash I have only been using the CPAP machine for two days, but already the morning fog is lifting. It’s possible that CPAP may have helped me a few yea… Read More
2023-03-17 14:46
Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash I tried to shift the problem to the new medication that my general practitioner has started me on. This seemed logical as the getting-out-of-bed problem beg… Read More
2023-03-15 00:53
Photo by Pierre Bamin on Unsplash Is it just the time of year, or am I beginning to descend into a depression cycle? Can I just push through this or do I need additional resources? I know th… Read More
2023-03-13 14:09
Photo by Alvaro Reyes on Unsplash If I think I want or need something, shouldn’t that be enough? Yet here I am negotiating with myself over what I want. Even after a lifetime of making… Read More
2023-03-10 18:24
Photo by Pawel Czerwinski on Unsplash I want to say that I have figured it out and have all of the answers. If I could say, “I understand what and why,” that would be amazing. An… Read More
2023-03-09 12:39
The afterglow of having family at our home has faded, along with the strength of my Wellbutrin. It was me that brought up reducing my daily dosage when I last met with my psychiatrist. I cit… Read More
2023-03-08 14:21
Photo by Sivani Bandaru on Unsplash It appears that I am very bad at it. I would like to think that I have a knack for working with others and inspiring them to do their absolute best. And o… Read More
2023-03-07 14:28
It wasn’t that I didn’t have an appointment. And it wasn’t for inattention on my part. Or at least it felt that way to me. I called my employer’s Care network. And I… Read More
2023-03-03 14:52
Photo by Hasnain Babar on Unsplash My depression can only push me so far or it will lose its host. After all, if I die, then depression dies too. So it is in depression’s best interest… Read More
2023-03-01 01:06
Should it just be the facts, or can I add how I am feeling? After all, it has been nearly 4 years since I was in 5 East. Almost 4 years since I faced my depression and said out loud, “… Read More
2023-02-27 15:33
In my mind, I should have said “I have depression” years ago. And while I have done so in this blog, I have shied away from a formal announcement. One would think that after 530… Read More
2023-02-26 15:41
Is it true that by thinking it so, I can be anyone I want to be? Or is it that I can be any way I want to be? Or is it that I can think anyway I want to think? So many choices and all have t… Read More
2023-02-22 14:18
It seemed like such a good idea when my psychiatrist and I discussed it. Reducing my daily Wellbutrin from 450 mg. to 300 mg. seemed like a no-brainer. After all, winter has been mild, and t… Read More
2023-02-20 03:07
Depression has been making me feel unimportant and not worth loving for decades. It has done its best to keep me from seeing my own personal worth. With unhelpful thinking, my depression has… Read More
2023-02-17 18:49
Quote by Rue Paul Much of the time, I don’t have a high opinion of myself. There is so much I haven’t done. My life with concealed depression has forced me to have a public face… Read More
2023-02-14 23:54
Skimming articles on depression, I came across one from GoodRX. The article listed its ten best coping skills for depression. I thought about what they had written and pictured how I would u… Read More
2023-02-10 14:15
Wait, wait, don’t tell me. (Thank you PBS) I have it right on the tip of my tongue. It was clear as day just a moment ago. Now that I want to talk about it, I cannot think of what it w… Read More
2023-02-09 02:37
Depression helped me retire the first time, making a cluster of the entire experience. My depression convinced me to scrap over 40 years of planning and jump into retirement with only a sket… Read More
2023-02-07 15:29
Photo by Mert Talay on Unsplash Yet it turns out that depression and I have a bond that will entwine us for the rest of my life. And even though right now, my depression is on vacation, I kn… Read More
2023-02-05 01:25
Photo by Hello I’m Nik on Unsplash I have been depressed, with high-functioning (concealed) depression for over 50 years. It wasn’t until I spent 4 days in 5 East that I faced my… Read More
2023-01-31 15:53
Or do I need to “fake it until I make it?” I know all about attitude and how it is the only thing I have control over. But taking that information and turning it into reality is… Read More
2023-01-28 15:00
It’s the age-old dilemma, which came first? Am I feeling anxiety and unsettled because I am still unpacking, cleaning, and putting away my climbing clothing and gear from my trip to Af… Read More
2023-01-25 03:21
I wish I could say yes to joy, to being happier. There are many emotions I am familiar with, but joy and happiness are rarely one of them. OK is the operative word. If someone asks how I am… Read More
2023-01-21 16:41
We reached the summit in seven days, but day four almost ended my attempt. How did I think the entire trip would be rain free? What caused me to optimistically think that there would be no r… Read More
2022-12-25 15:25
Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash Seeking help in April 2019 was one of the hardest things I have ever done. And yet, had I not picked choice number three that morning, I might not be writin… Read More
2022-12-19 15:25
Photo by National Cancer Institute on Unsplash The first thing I learned is you cannot hide the results of skin cancer removal. For the first 48 hours, I had a huge bandage on my face that c… Read More
2022-12-10 02:40
It’s seems such an easy thing, for everyone has an idea of what their own joy looks like. So why is it I cannot feel the emotion? Instead, I play defense and do anything I can to avoid… Read More
2022-11-28 02:35
Or worse for me, why do I feel like such a burden? And is my depression really feeding into those feelings? I recently read an article about this feeling of being a burden. Here are a few pa… Read More
2022-11-09 22:03
Photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash It still amazes me that I am allowed to take care of myself. The whole idea of putting on one’s own oxygen mask before helping others has been foreign to… Read More
2022-11-08 22:01
Photo by Martin Sanchez on Unsplash It had always seemed just a matter of time. Even with all the precautions, vaccines, boosters, masks, deep cleaning, and social distancing, the odds were… Read More
2022-11-02 13:43
It’s that gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach. The feeling that should stop when the event is over. But mine hasn’t gotten the message. A trigger comes and goes. I know I sh… Read More
2022-10-22 16:09
Photo by Nick Fewings on Unsplash Next Wednesday, before I go to work, I have an appointment with my new medicine management psychiatrist. I am not nervous about the visit, but I am curious… Read More
2022-10-12 14:04
Photo by Paolo Nicolello on Unsplash Covid-19, recession, armed conflict, severe weather events, and rising food and gas prices. All of this seems overwhelming. Each day is a new list of thi… Read More
2022-10-08 15:40
Image by Clker-Free-Vector-Images from Pixabay It’s funny the stories we tell ourselves. “Fake it until you make it” has always been my motto. And I have always felt that t… Read More
2022-10-01 17:08
I should have known better than to rush the morning so I could leave on time. After all, this trip is a mini vacation. But sleeping in until almost 7 AM, I felt like I had a lot to do to lea… Read More
2022-09-12 16:19
Photo by Finn on Unsplash I mean it makes sense that it would help. Yet I have made excuses to stop going even after I had fought to get one therapist into my insurance network. I was paying… Read More
2022-09-11 00:00
If each day was longer, I could get my entire to-do list done. And if I was more organized, I could achieve all my daily goals. At work, I still create a weekly checklist. Looking at it each… Read More
2022-09-07 15:07
I have experienced all of the other emotions over the past 40 months. Having been introduced to the change triangle by a therapist. I now refer to it, but I don’t always think ab… Read More
2022-09-05 19:46
There should not be pressure associated with a holiday, yet here I am, stressing about the day. Labor Day comes once a year in the US and today is the day. The origins of the occasion were o… Read More
2022-09-02 14:33
Photo by Brett Jordan on Unsplash I was going to drive 3 hours to a celebration of life. Dave had graduated 2 years ahead of me, but I knew him initially through a mutual friend. After a yea… Read More
2022-07-28 02:46
Photo by Towfiqu barbhuiya on Unsplash Last night, it seemed like a logical question to ask. I began to ponder it and play out the ramifications in my head. There must have been a reason why… Read More
2022-07-23 12:28
Photo by Avi Werde on Unsplash I feel guilty for not going to the gym this morning. Checking my app, I can see I have gone 4 out of 5 days this week. And I have been up since 6 AM this morni… Read More
2022-07-20 12:36
Photo by Nico Smit on Unsplash My depression has exclusivity in my life. Try as I might to invite others in to share my life, in the end, I find ways to stay distant. Even when I initia… Read More
2022-07-19 15:00
After my days on 5 East, I was certain depression would not be in charge of my attitude ever again. Well, that feeling came to me months after my 4 days there. Being alone with the staff, I… Read More
2022-07-15 13:02
It’s called a day off for a reason. However, for me, it is a race to get everything done in the 15 hours I will be awake. I focus on the day part, a day without going to work. But I co… Read More
2022-07-13 13:08
Or as I am surmising, there is no finish line. But for certain activities, or events, there is a conclusion. Then why is it I feel as if it is never ending, and I am always one step from com… Read More
2022-07-12 00:59
Depression told me it was an innocent slip, but I’m sure it was Freudian. I was sitting in the small office of my gym, re-registering. We were talking about getting back and without be… Read More
2022-07-11 01:49
If I weren’t still dragging around the fear of what they might say, I would openly use my 500th blog post to email this letter to my friends and family. Dear Friend, I suffer from depr… Read More
2022-06-28 15:02
Researching stigma as it relates to mental health, I came across Kevin Breel presenting a TED Talk, Confessions of a depressed comic. Paraphrasing Kevin, he said,” “Break a bone… Read More
2022-06-26 12:05
It’s been months since I’ve been able to work from the front porch. I know it’s my fault for not making the decision sooner. After all, my old laptop has been non-responsiv… Read More
2022-06-22 14:47
I’m not sure why this popped into my head, but it is a fact. Facts are what I live by. I would have made a fine reporter because I can give you the facts of any situation in which I am… Read More
2022-06-15 14:00
It turns out that I am not the center of everyone’s universe. I’ve seen others exhibit this behavior and I most certainly do it. Many times, I have gone through things that were… Read More
2022-06-13 13:45
I know getting back from traveling has its up and downsides. Up, I get to sleep in my own bed. The down, there is a suitcase full of laundry that needs to be washed. And the lawn grew about… Read More
2022-06-04 11:57
I know they are ripe; I can see them through the chicken wire protection I built. Yet I am not motivated at all to pick them. I picked a few when they first started to ripen. I had some on m… Read More
2022-06-01 12:44
I am worried that I don’t feel different today. It seems like I should be more relaxed and content. I got to spend a long weekend with my son and my new daughter-in-law. They drove ove… Read More
2022-05-24 14:35
The story of my life facing depression head-on; after only 62 years of ignoring it, never calling it by name, hiding it from everyone including myself, and sweeping the crumbs of each episod… Read More
2022-05-23 22:52
As I approach five hundred blog posts over the past 3 years, I am thinking about the future. When I started writing, it was therapy. And it still is. There are many issues that I face living… Read More
2022-05-17 13:08
I want to take advantage of my employer’s online mental health resources. But depression has made the low bar to entry seem impenetrable. All I need to do to set up an account and acce… Read More
2022-05-15 14:19
Getting stuck in my depression happens a lot. Things on the surface appear to be going well, but underneath the surface, there is a mish-mosh of stuff going on. Oh, the miracle of conc… Read More
2022-05-14 20:29
— Ashley Judd revealed her mother Naomi Judd died by suicide I am so saddened by this news. Regardless of your politics, when you know someone who died by suicide, it is very pers… Read More
2022-05-04 15:55
From the 20,000-foot view, I can see patterns. As I move away from the abyss, I reach out to friends, family, and passers-by. I am more comfortable speaking with others and garnering o… Read More
2022-04-27 14:18
Of course, it could be me and I’m blaming my ups and down on my depression. This can easily lead to the “which came first, the chicken or the egg?” Am I using depress… Read More
2022-04-22 13:43
I have felt guilty for being alive before. When someone I had been to group sessions with took his life, I felt very guilty to still be alive. The shock of his decision was more than I could… Read More
2022-04-12 14:04
I’m spilling out my heart into a word document on my laptop when it closes shop and the paragraphs I have written are lost. OK, so I should be saving as I go. And I should have expecte… Read More
2022-04-11 13:45
I haven’t spoken to my peer support contact in over 2 weeks. In fact, I have been ignoring her calls, letting them go to voice mail. It’s not that I do not want to talk to her. S… Read More
2022-04-11 00:55
You would think I would stop thinking that this time will be different. After three years and over a dozen changes in my medication to address my Major Depressive Disorder, I am still shocke… Read More
2022-04-06 11:50
Making changes in my attitude towards events should be easy. The power goes out at the house. I can cry about it, saying things like, “well that’s just great, now I cannot work o… Read More
2022-04-05 14:52
Looks like I am shoulding all over myself this morning. I find myself looking at past opportunities that I have squandered and not fully taken advantage of. Of course, I am focusing on what… Read More
2022-04-01 13:08
I know they are only trying to help. And I want to be helped. Or so I say. But is that true? Am I feeling so guilty and embarrassed about talking to someone about my depression that I am pus… Read More
2022-03-27 17:51
My daughter helped me perform a self-test for the Covid-19 antigens yesterday afternoon. The manufacturer is so on top of things, they have pictured step by step directions in Spanish and En… Read More
2022-03-23 14:48
It could be a slight case of jet lag, or the fact that yesterday I worked a much later shift than normal. Or it may be a combination of the two. Either way, I am not feeling very productive… Read More
2022-03-17 14:43
Rain had been in the forecast for a few days now. It started in the middle of the night, and it has been raining hard off and on ever since. As the cloudsthickened and the first light peeked… Read More
2022-03-12 18:01
Facing my depression, and saying it’s name out loud, has been work. Sometimes the work has been exhausting. It has only been easy on rare occasions. Most of the time some effort is req… Read More
2022-03-11 15:07
Now don’t get me wrong, I am genuinely thankful to be mentally where I am. And I am thankful for all the support I have been given, and the tools I have learned. There is so much about… Read More
2022-03-10 16:14
I cannot believe depression had me thinking this. Having just gone through a period of four weeks with increasing signs of a relapse, I am relieved that it is over. Well, over for the moment… Read More
2022-02-26 15:41
I don’t say this to brag. In some respects, I wish I had never started writing this blog. It all started the day after I checked out of 5 East. I had made the decision in the previous… Read More
2022-02-22 00:54
What is it that I am not seeing? I am smart and can put two and two together. Well, I can when both twos are visible. If I cannot see one of the variables, I have a much harder time producin… Read More
2022-02-18 13:57
Sometimes, I can see what my future might look like. Other times, the screen goes blank and all I hear are crickets chirping in the background. My goal is to build a balanced life with depre… Read More
2022-02-14 14:58
Stigma is the first thing that comes to mind. Second, I am always surprised when I learn someone else has the same concerns about sharing their concealed whatever. And seeing Jill’s ad… Read More
2022-02-12 14:35
But if I do not act on that idea, then so what? I have felt like I needed some time off since early December. In fact, staying relaxed, and in the moment has gotten harder and harder to achi… Read More
2022-02-08 14:33
I wrote it almost three years ago and hoped I’d never need it. However, I am darn glad I did. Creating it was a big part of one specific weekly session I attended at On Our Own. There… Read More
2022-02-07 15:17
Today I am feeling sorry for myself. Ok, I have been dragging around feeling sorry for myself for at least a month. And at the same time, I have been trying to hide it from even myself. I ca… Read More
Subscribe to Depression Is Not My Boss
Get updates delivered right to your inbox!