Photo by freestocks on Unsplash How is that possible? My pharmacy can get 300 mg Wellbutrin XL but cannot get the 150 mg tablets until September. They are just not available. Again, how is t… Read More
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Depression Is Not My Boss Blog
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For almost 60 years, I lied to myself about having depression. Now I face it and blog about mental health topics including; coping statements, unhelpful thinking, core emotions, self-care, and more.
If you or someone, you know needs help, call 1-800-273-8255 for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. You can also text HOME to 741-741 for free, 24-hour support from the Crisis Text Line.
Photo by abigail low on Unsplash In my mind, my depression was off for the summer. It had flown south, and was on a beach somewhere in the tropics, sipping a rum and coke and contemplating t… Read More
Photo by David Vives on Unsplash I’m still stuck on being alone for the summer, with my depression on vacation. After being so determined to get my depression out in the open, why am I… Read More
It’s 87 degrees right now in Virginia and my depression is nowhere to be seen. I suppose I should be thankful. Both the current temperature, and my depression are not as wild as they c… Read More
Photo by Jacqueline Munguía on Unsplash But here I am once again just going along. Nothing too happy, nothing too sad, I am just going along. It doesn’t seem to make sense. I me… Read More
From my 2022 blog post: Now I have committed myself (no pun intended) to learning everything I can about depression. I have chosen to face it, to keep it from helping me back into unhelpful… Read More
Photo by Valentino Funghi on Unsplash The truth is, I should be thankful I am still here. Celebrating Memorial Day this year marks 5 years since I spent 4 days in 5 East. From that experienc… Read More
Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash Even when things are going pretty well, I sense my depression hanging around. It’s not badgering me. I don’t feel my depression watching my ever… Read More
I was in Northern Virgina, near Sterling 5 years ago. I had gotten a contract to teach resume writing to IT students at NVCC, Northern Virginia Community College. There I held 6 – thre… Read More
IPhoto by Nick Fewings on Unsplash I was awake in the middle of the night recently, and my depression wanted to talk. It was sharing ideas with me about our future together. Depression was p… Read More
Photo by Brett Jordan on Unsplash Making forward progress feels like it’s not a thing right now. Today, keeping my head above water is my primary goal. The process of moving forward se… Read More
Photo by Susan Q Yin on Unsplash I was awake this morning by 5:30 AM and was downstairs before 6:30 AM. Ok, so I went to bed a little after 10 PM last night. It seemed like everyone, includi… Read More
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
The post The 10 Things I am Thankful for This Morning appeared first on Read More
Photo by Florian Klauer on Unsplash Depression has been with me my entire life. I am drafting the story of my life facing depression head on; after only 62 years of ignoring it, of nev… Read More
Photo by Sean Oulashin on Unsplash I just realized that my depression is not on the job. Is depression taking a holiday? When my Peer Advocate called for my weekly checkup today, I had to re… Read More
Photo by Wonderlane on Unsplash On my to-do list for weeks has been, “clean office.” Clean office has often been added to my list as an afterthought. This task has gotten much le… Read More
Photo by Daniel Schludi on Unsplash Because my mom Is 97 and has covid, I’m feeling a lot of stress. It is clear that I am not clear about what is next, or what I should be doing next… Read More
Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash How to Push Rock Up Hill, it’s not a good thing when the best reference you can find is on Wikipedia. From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia For othe… Read More
Photo by USGS on Unsplash Excuse me for saying this. More than once, despite my depression, I have been on the edge of greatness. I have even stepped into the winner’s circle a few tim… Read More
Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash It has been 10 days since I went to my General Practitioner about a pinched nerve. My GP gave me the Three, Two, One Prednisone medication. After completi… Read More
Photo by Yu Wang on Unsplash I say that, but I cannot convince myself that I mean it. I could list 100’s of positive assertions, including: Heck, I have even made up one: “I have… Read More
Photo by Gary Meulemans on Unsplash It has been 1,715 days since my 4 days in 5 East. That means I have written 0.35 blog posts per day for 1,715 days. That is 2.85 blog posts on average per… Read More
Photo by freestocks on Unsplash I know for a fact that something is going on in my body today. So, I was up about 1:30 AM this morning, and everything was fine. I went to the bathroom and cl… Read More
Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash I have asked myself “why can’t I laugh out loud anymore? The whole idea of laughing is not part of my daily routine. In fact, it is not a part… Read More
Photo by Nik on Unsplash Yesterday I read an article whose theme was “I am just not good enough.” This piqued my curiosity, as I have been wondering if I am just not good enough… Read More
Photo by Pro Church Media on Unsplash My Gratitude Journal for Today – Going back and fixing these after they are written would be easy to do. However, all I did was correct spelling e… Read More
Photo by Sara Kurfeß on Unsplash Who knew staying focused would be so difficult. It is Sunday morning, shortly after 8 AM. I just spent close to 45 minutes scrolling through the intern… Read More
Photo by Ant Rozetsky on Unsplash The snow was heavy, intense, and brief. In less than an hour, it dropped an inch, which piled up mostly on parked cars. After I looked out once, I decided t… Read More
In the grand scheme of things, it will make little difference if I am focused. But to me, being focused is a step closer to happy. I am in the green zone today. I am not happy, but I am clos… Read More
I saw a great poster this morning, which identifies and defines 6 common feelings. I can identify with sad; I see that a lot. Calm was one I had missed. I always thought you went from sad to… Read More
Photo by Amer Mughawish on Unsplash Lately, it seems like I am either gearing up for my depression to take over or I am coming down from my depression. I am all in or shrinking away. It seem… Read More
Photo by Kristina Tripkovic on Unsplash Is depression remission even a thing? And what makes me think that I am not doing ok with my depression? Do I really have a lot of questions about whe… Read More
Photo by K. Mitch Hodge on Unsplash I feel like I’ve been here before. It’s the same impulsive “this time it will be different” kind of thoughts. Am I fooling myself… Read More
Photo by Jez Timms on Unsplash For me and my depression, having a bright SAD light in the winter makes sense. But over the past couple of years, my intentions are better than my reality. Whe… Read More
Photo by Jonathan Knepper on Unsplash Today is a federal holiday. It is MLK day and everything federal is closed. A lot of businesses, well at least the home offices of these businesses, are… Read More
Photo by Adrian Hartanto on Unsplash I am using a lot of cliches recently. What I am trying to understand as we go into 2024, is whether I am moving in tune with the times? It is easy for me… Read More
So, this is what I am thinking about and am grateful for as 2024 begins. ‘ I will do my best to remember these as I go through the year. I am very optimistic about 2024 and see so many… Read More
Today is December 31st, and the year has basically ended. I for one should have seen it coming. Even before January 1, 2023 came, I was flying across the Atlantic Ocean on my way to Tanzania… Read More
Our live blue spruce tree I ran across this today. “You’ve gotta dance like there’s nobody watching, Love like you’ll never be hurt, sing like there’s nobody li… Read More
After nearly walking off the edge of the mountain, I decided I needed to create personal rules for my trekking. I do not remember having the same issues climbing to the top of Mount Kilimanj… Read More
I’ve had four or five days of positiveness. I’m not sure that is a word, but it’s how I have been feeling. Even yesterday, at work, I had the feeling that everything… Read More
PART 1 My traveling companions sure are. I’m just going through the motions hoping that I will “snap out of it.” But sadly, I have had very little success with that idea. T… Read More
A time to remember the lives lost to suicide, the millions who have struggled with suicidal thoughts & the individuals, families, and communities that have been impacted. Today I am… Read More
Photo by mauro mora on Unsplash It turns out that I don’t even know when the last time was that I sat down and wrote out my thoughts and feelings. I wish I had made the time as I know… Read More
What would I do? How would I think? What would I spend my time doing? Firstly, I need to factor in my diagnosis of Major Depressive Disorder with suicidal ideation. Figuring out how to manag… Read More
Photo by Cerys Lowe on Unsplash If the rock was like the one that pushed me to the hospital, I’m not sure I would be here. That morning, the rock was so massive and the hill so steep… Read More
I don’t like it, but I cannot seem to stop depression from doing it. Despite my depression, there are parts of most days where I am in love. I am especially in love when I am thinking… Read More
What do you want out of life? For me, it’s a balanced life with my depression. For others, it’s personal improvement. We’d like to lose weight, become stronger and more phy… Read More
Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash Joy is one emotion that has been missing over the past 4 or 5 years. Not days, or weeks, but years. That’s a long time. 365 days times 4 years equal… Read More
Photo by Jacqueline Munguía on Unsplash This new development is not exactly what I had envisioned when I got up this morning. Well, I guess this is not what my Peer Advocate had envis… Read More
Photo by Christina Victoria Craft on Unsplash 30 days ago, she added 15 mg. of mirtazapine to the 450 mg of Wellbutrin XL that I take each morning. The addition of this drug is prescribed to… Read More
Mirtazapine, generic for Remeron, was added to my anti-depressant regime recently. A Google search reveals: Mirtazapine is an antidepressant used to treat major depressive disorders in adult… Read More
Photo by Kayla Warner on Unsplash Another post about my lifelong struggle to face major depressive disorder (concealed depression) They say you always remember your first time. Well with my… Read More
Photo by LOGAN WEAVER | @LGNWVR on Unsplash In case you are new to my blog, my name is Joel and I live in Charlottesville Virginia. I am a middle-class male, and I have worked since I was 10… Read More
Why would I turn a 4 ½ hour trek in Shenandoah National Park into an all-or-nothing scenario? After all, this was just a warmup to trekking the Inca Trail this October in Peru. A chan… Read More
Is the Change Triangle my tool for moving forward with my depression? I first wrote “moving forward FROM my depression.” What was I thinking? My depression and I are together unt… Read More
I’m Joel and I have Major Depressive Disorder. This short video gives a snapshot of what I am up against. I have learned one amazing thing about myself. Most of what I worry about neve… Read More
I tell myself I am better than most because I do not spend hours each day watching viral cat videos. Yes, I’m the guy who is always busy. There is always a project to plan, start, or f… Read More
Many years ago, on Memorial Day, our children would march in the local parade in New Jersey. The weather was always suspect. The kids would be wearing their soccer or band uniforms, or the o… Read More
In fact, I should be asking questions especially if I am sure of the answer. My recent experiences have led me to believe that taking people at face value is not always helpful. Over the yea… Read More
I don’t believe it’s fair to blame my depression for my speeding. After all, my depression is not driving the truck, I am. And while depression is putting unhelpful thinking to w… Read More
It is hard for me to remember the last time I smiled. I mean really smiled. That I’m so happy that I cannot help but smile type of smile. This feeling of happiness wasn’t really… Read More
Photo by Markus Spiske on Unsplash I am listening in my truck to an Audible book about the landing of a man on the moon in 1969. The story includes mention of historical events including the… Read More
Photo by Mario Purisic on Unsplash It’s inevitable. In a crowded airport and on a full flight, I see plenty of people. And the chances of me ever seeing them again are infinitely small… Read More
Photo by Dariusz Sankowski on Unsplash How do I know that the next page is a new chapter? Mostly because I am writing this chapter. And I have written every chapter of my life so far. Howeve… Read More
Photo by Braden Collum on Unsplash So, the stars aren’t perfectly aligned for me to be a contender today. The few times they have been, depression was involved, and the outcome wasn&rs… Read More
Photo by Jon Butterworth on Unsplash Do you ever find yourself thinking in absolutes? Believing that you either have to be perfect or not try at all? This all-or-nothing thinking can be a sl… Read More
Photo by Dan Cook on Unsplash And I am not laughing about not laughing. I just read an article that listed 16 Things People Don’t Realize You Are Doing Because You Are Emotionally Numb… Read More
Photo by Christopher Carson on Unsplash The word suffering seems so all-inclusive. Here’s what popped up in a Google search: Suffering, or pain in a broad sense, may be an experie… Read More
Photo by Mika Baumeister on Unsplash I began 2023 by updating my list of Coping Statements. After 4 years, it seemed time to make sure my list was up to date. I wanted to see what I am using… Read More
Photo by Joy Memon on Unsplash Depression and I go back almost 60 years, but I have only said “I have depression” for the past four. Before that, I was all about getting the epis… Read More
Photo by Kaysha on Unsplash My checklist has items on it I did not complete. I have only checked off three. But I also policed the front and back yards for dog poo and then mowed the backyar… Read More
Photo by Content Pixie on Unsplash The whole idea of being outside for a self-care day was exciting. And then to get to work on outdoor projects, was for me, the best self-care imaginable. A… Read More
Photo by Total Shape on Unsplash 172.5 pounds is where I bottomed out after returning from Africa. And if I had let the scale finish this morning, it would have read 185 and something. But a… Read More
Photo by Rehina Sultanova on Unsplash I have only been using the CPAP machine for two days, but already the morning fog is lifting. It’s possible that CPAP may have helped me a few yea… Read More
Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash I tried to shift the problem to the new medication that my general practitioner has started me on. This seemed logical as the getting-out-of-bed problem beg… Read More
Photo by Pierre Bamin on Unsplash Is it just the time of year, or am I beginning to descend into a depression cycle? Can I just push through this or do I need additional resources? I know th… Read More
Photo by Alvaro Reyes on Unsplash If I think I want or need something, shouldn’t that be enough? Yet here I am negotiating with myself over what I want. Even after a lifetime of making… Read More
Photo by Pawel Czerwinski on Unsplash I want to say that I have figured it out and have all of the answers. If I could say, “I understand what and why,” that would be amazing. An… Read More
The afterglow of having family at our home has faded, along with the strength of my Wellbutrin. It was me that brought up reducing my daily dosage when I last met with my psychiatrist. I cit… Read More
Photo by Sivani Bandaru on Unsplash It appears that I am very bad at it. I would like to think that I have a knack for working with others and inspiring them to do their absolute best. And o… Read More
It wasn’t that I didn’t have an appointment. And it wasn’t for inattention on my part. Or at least it felt that way to me. I called my employer’s Care network. And I… Read More
Photo by Hasnain Babar on Unsplash My depression can only push me so far or it will lose its host. After all, if I die, then depression dies too. So it is in depression’s best interest… Read More
Should it just be the facts, or can I add how I am feeling? After all, it has been nearly 4 years since I was in 5 East. Almost 4 years since I faced my depression and said out loud, “… Read More
In my mind, I should have said “I have depression” years ago. And while I have done so in this blog, I have shied away from a formal announcement. One would think that after 530… Read More
Is it true that by thinking it so, I can be anyone I want to be? Or is it that I can be any way I want to be? Or is it that I can think anyway I want to think? So many choices and all have t… Read More
It seemed like such a good idea when my psychiatrist and I discussed it. Reducing my daily Wellbutrin from 450 mg. to 300 mg. seemed like a no-brainer. After all, winter has been mild, and t… Read More
Depression has been making me feel unimportant and not worth loving for decades. It has done its best to keep me from seeing my own personal worth. With unhelpful thinking, my depression has… Read More
Quote by Rue Paul Much of the time, I don’t have a high opinion of myself. There is so much I haven’t done. My life with concealed depression has forced me to have a public face… Read More
Skimming articles on depression, I came across one from GoodRX. The article listed its ten best coping skills for depression. I thought about what they had written and pictured how I would u… Read More
Wait, wait, don’t tell me. (Thank you PBS) I have it right on the tip of my tongue. It was clear as day just a moment ago. Now that I want to talk about it, I cannot think of what it w… Read More
Depression helped me retire the first time, making a cluster of the entire experience. My depression convinced me to scrap over 40 years of planning and jump into retirement with only a sket… Read More
Photo by Mert Talay on Unsplash Yet it turns out that depression and I have a bond that will entwine us for the rest of my life. And even though right now, my depression is on vacation, I kn… Read More
Photo by Hello I’m Nik on Unsplash I have been depressed, with high-functioning (concealed) depression for over 50 years. It wasn’t until I spent 4 days in 5 East that I faced my… Read More
Or do I need to “fake it until I make it?” I know all about attitude and how it is the only thing I have control over. But taking that information and turning it into reality is… Read More
It’s the age-old dilemma, which came first? Am I feeling anxiety and unsettled because I am still unpacking, cleaning, and putting away my climbing clothing and gear from my trip to Af… Read More
I wish I could say yes to joy, to being happier. There are many emotions I am familiar with, but joy and happiness are rarely one of them. OK is the operative word. If someone asks how I am… Read More
We reached the summit in seven days, but day four almost ended my attempt. How did I think the entire trip would be rain free? What caused me to optimistically think that there would be no r… Read More
Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash Seeking help in April 2019 was one of the hardest things I have ever done. And yet, had I not picked choice number three that morning, I might not be writin… Read More
Photo by National Cancer Institute on Unsplash The first thing I learned is you cannot hide the results of skin cancer removal. For the first 48 hours, I had a huge bandage on my face that c… Read More
