I haven’t been actively Suicidal in 7 years but that doesn’t mean I don’t always still think about suicide.

Passive Suicidal Thoughts weave in and out of my brain on a consistent basis, when I’m feeling low, sick and even at my most stable and content of times.

They lurk in the shadows, waiting for me to let my guard down. A passing, lonely moment in which I think the world would be better off without me. A moment in which I feel insignificant and ugly and don’t deserve to be seen.

When things become overwhelming, I often think about suicide as an escape even though I can honestly say at that moment I don’t genuinely want to die. It’s just easier knowing that I could.

When I feel so consumed by the hatred I have towards my body, my face and even my personality, suicidal thoughts creep in and offer themselves to me as an option.

When my heart is broken or I feel trapped, suicidal thoughts are my safe space. The place in my mind where I can breathe for a minute.

When my body is in so much pain from Endometriosis that I feel the only way out of the torment is to die, my suicidal thoughts comfort me and give me solace.

I’ve imagined my death in a thousand ways. My suicidal ideation makes me fear it less.

Having Passive Suicidal Thoughts doesn’t mean I want to die. I don’t. I just sometimes wish that I could.

I just sometimes have fleeting intrusive thoughts that make me question myself and my importance here in this world.

I have plenty of reasons to live and I will live because of them but just sometimes I get a very passing feeling that they don’t need me to. That I’m holding them back. That they’re better off without me.

Does this sound familiar to you?

If you need support, please contact The Samaritans on
116-123

Related: 7 Things Not To Say To Someone Who Is Suicidal

The post I’ll Always Have Suicidal Thoughts Even Though I Am Not Suicidal appeared first on Anxious Lass.