Highlights

• Mismatched libidos are one of the most common sexual issues for couples. 

• Desire levels fluctuate throughout our lives. 

• Sexual problems, such as painful intercourse, can contribute to reduced sex drive in women. 

• When she wants less sex, find ways to deal with sexual frustration.

• Long-term couples can benefit from exploring responsive desire.

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Martha and Leon are a married couple in their early 40s. Their life has been good; they had two young children and steady jobs. You could say they were a perfect couple — but there was one problem. They had sex twice a year.

The couple had always had a desire gap, which only increased after the kids were born. Martha completely lost interest in intimacy, and Leon was struggling.

Mismatched libidos can bring about a serious crisis in a couple, but there’s a way to move the relationship forward, if you’re willing to look.

Reasons for Mismatched Libidos in a Relationship

The scenario in heterosexual couples usually goes like this: She wants less sex than he does. Less frequently, it’s the man who’s the low-desire Partner. For Martha, kissing and cuddling had always been more important than intercourse.

Like many women, having children and the responsibilities that came with it gave Martha what she thought was good reason to avoid making love to her husband. But the couple had a big desire gap from the beginning of their relationship.

So, what causes unequal sex drive?

• Different sexual temperaments. Some people have lifelong high desire levels. For others, sex is like cherry on a cake — it’s nice from time to time, but it’s not a must-have. Sometimes both partners have a similar level of libido, but their preferences clash. He may prefer a morning quickie, while she enjoys long lovemaking sessions in the evening.
• Natural ebb and flow. Sexuality is not a constant. Your and your partner’s desire levels will change over time. Whether it’s from having small children, menopause, chronic illness, or aging — understanding what impacts your libido will help you manage the sexual side of your relationship.
• Sexual problems. Sexologists often find that low sex drive is a symptom of an underlying issue. For women, that issue is often painful intercourse or lack of orgasm. For men, the most common culprit is erectile dysfunction. If something that should feel natural and joyful becomes a source of discomfort or stress, we tend to avoid it.
• Conservative upbringing. Most religious traditions have sexual restrictions built into them. Many present sexual activity as sinful if it’s not linked to reproduction. If you, your partner, or both, grew up in an atmosphere of fear and shame around pleasure, you may subconsciously restrict your sexual energy for fear of overstepping boundaries.
• Asexuality. Fifty years ago, no one talked about asexuality as a sexual identity. Nowadays, people who show a stable pattern of having little or no interest in sex may be placed on the asexuality spectrum. Since many doctors and therapists are not familiar with it, many people don’t even realize that they’re asexual. They enter long-term relationships or marriages, thinking they simply have a low sex drive.

Libido goes through natural ebbs and flows.

Dealing With Different Sex Drives

There are two types of couples with mismatched libidos: those who avoid the problem and those who face the challenge head on. Guess which ones are successful in rebuilding their intimacy?

If you fall into the second group, or you’re ready to deal with the issue in your own relationship, consider our best sex tips for couples with different needs.

Tips for the High Libido Partner

If you’re the one who needs more sex, it can be frustrating to always have to ask. You may feel guilty for being “demanding.” Remember that your needs are valid and you have the right to express them, as long as you accept your partner’s right to say no.

Here are some important points to keep in mind as the high-libido partner:

• Emotional intimacy vs. physical intimacy. Think about your sexual style. Do you need special circumstances to make love, or are you ready to go whenever the mood strikes? Some people are wired in such a way that they can jump between the sheets even after a big fight. Your partner may be different. She may need to feel love, care, and security before she’s ready to take off her clothes.
• Managing sexual frustration. It’s normal to get annoyed when she has the proverbial headache for the tenth time in a month. Your sexual needs will build up, and frustration will find an outlet elsewhere. Be mindful of what you say and do. If all of a sudden you find you’re annoyed at your partner for no apparent reason, have an honest conversation about what’s going on.
• Honoring your needs. Monogamous couples fall into a trap of thinking that their partner should fulfill all their sexual needs. But even if you’re in an exclusive relationship, you still have a sexual connection with another important person — yourself! While masturbation will not replace fun times as a couple, it will help you manage your desire levels without hurting your partner.

Tips for the Low-Libido Partner

If you’re the partner with the lower sex drive, you, too, may feel misunderstood. You love your partner and want to make her happy, but you don’t want to overstep your boundaries. We live in a society filled with sexualized messages — it’s easy to think that there’s something wrong with you if you’re not so into it.

Here’s what you need to consider to make things easier for yourself (and your partner):

• Non-sexual alternatives for intimacy. Couples with mismatched libidos need to ditch the “all or nothing” attitude. If you say you don’t want sex, what do you mean precisely? This can, of course, differ from day to day. Become the expert in your own sexuality. Perhaps you’re too tired for intercourse but wouldn’t mind watching your partner stimulate herself. Or maybe you don’t feel like going all the way, but you’d be happy to give her a sensual massage? There are endless options if you’re open to exploring them.
• Responsive desire. Romantic films have taught us that spontaneous outbursts of desire are the norm. This might be the case for new couples but not for long-term partners. If you’ve been together for longer than you can remember, you or your partner may need external stimulation to put you in the mood. This could be anything from watching porn together to listening to sexy music. Instead of waiting for hot sex to “just happen,” create opportunities to reconnect with your partner in the bedroom. Sometimes all you need is to give desire a chance.
• Optimizing your sexual potential. If you used to have higher libido, it’s time to take a good look at what caused it to drop. Are you still angry at your partner for having an affair five years ago? Or perhaps she’s entered perimenopause and intercourse is painful? Depending on the reason, with professional help, you can reclaim some of that erotic potential that still lives deep within.

Non-sexual intimacy is as important as intercourse.

Maintaining a Relationship With Different Sex Drives

Martha and Leon’s road back to a more balanced sex life was long, but it paid off. The couple found the courage to talk about difficult aspects of their mismatched libidos. Leon had to learn to pay attention to his wife’s emotional needs. Martha had to stop treating sex as a means of power in the relationship. With more honesty, they could enjoy more frequent lovemaking again.

When she wants less sex, it’s never her problem alone. There’s no point in placing blame — instead, invest time to understand both partner’s sexual needs.

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Disclaimer: This article provides general information about health and related topics but is not intended as a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition.

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