Your loved ones can be an invaluable source of support when it comes to achieving bipolar stability. Here’s how you can work together to get the best results for your mental health.

My Family has really had a tough time because of my Bipolar Disorder. A few years after I was diagnosed in 1995, my mom said to me, “I don’t know how to help you, Julie.” I didn’t know how to help myself at the time, so it wasn’t really surprising to hear her say this. Seeing someone struggle with bipolar disorder is like watching a train wreck about to happen and feeling helpless to do anything about it. I know this was my family’s reality for years.

Finally, in 1998, when I became extremely sick, I decided to do something about the way bipolar disorder was viewed in my family. I just knew there had to be a better way for the people in my life to help me — and I was going to find out what it was. Then, I was going to teach them.

The Most Common Mistakes 

My family used to walk blindly into every situation caused by bipolar. They’d say, “Julie’s depressed, what can we do? Let’s try this!” I’d get better and then I’d get sick again and they would say, “Julie’s manic, what do we do? What we did last time didn’t work, so let’s do this!”

There was no plan — it really did seem as if bipolar was just one big mess that was impossible to understand. By this time, I had lost most of my friends and my family was literally worn out by how sick I was. I called my mother, crying, almost every night.

Understanding My Own Bipolar Patterns and Sharing Them With My Family

In 1999, I had the idea to write down all my bipolar disorder symptoms. I’m not sure how or why I thought this would help, but I just kept going until the list was in the hundreds. Suddenly, as I was looking at the list, the whole thing broke itself into obvious patterns: When I was depressed, my symptoms were always the same. This was true for my mania, psychosis, and all other mood swings — they all had distinct symptoms that never varied.

This meant it wasn’t a random, impossible-to-address illness. Rather, if I could understand my own patterns, then teach these patterns to my family, they would better know what to do when I became ill. I write about this plan in my books, Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder and Take Charge of Bipolar Disorder, both co-written with John Preston, PsyD. It took my family and me a few years to have a real system in place. But now that we do, all our lives are much easier.

When Your Loved One Denies Having Bipolar Disorder

My family is lucky and we all know it — I accept the diagnosis of bipolar and do everything I can to get better. Unfortunately, according to psychologist Xavier Amador, PhD, author of I Am Not Sick I Don’t Need Help!, this isn’t the case for the estimated 50 percent of individuals who have bipolar disorder and who can’t — or won’t — see the effects of bipolar on their lives. Other people’s family members ask me all the time, “What can I do if my sister won’t get help?” or, “My mother refuses to believe she has bipolar disorder and she’s ruining our family. What can we do?”

Of course, not seeing the havoc caused by bipolar is a common symptom of the disorder itself, Dr. Amador once pointed out to me. In other words, the person you love is not trying to wreck your life on purpose. Certainly, there are those who know they have bipolar disorder but don’t wish to change. After all, they would have to stop drinking and getting into terrible relationships, and, eventually, let go of that lovely high of mania! Indeed, it’s common to hear such comments as “Forget medications! They will dull my mind and make me into a walking zombie! You’re the one with the problem!” Such attitudes can cause a lot of chaos in a family.

Setting Boundaries and Taking Care of Yourself

To help, you can learn the patterns of the person who has bipolar disorder and understand what you’re up against. As painful as it may be, you may have to set strong limits on what you will accept. For instance, if you’re letting your depressed son live in your basement and he’s smoking pot all day, or if you keep bailing out your father every time he spends all his money, you have to look at what this does to your life.

Saying no and taking care of yourself may be one of the hardest things you will ever do. While it can feel like you’re abandoning the person you love, for some people this may be the only option. Doing this isn’t easy, and I’m not making light of the matter, but when someone is not getting better, you must make some tough decisions.

What My Family and I Have Learned

When I asked my mom what’s different now compared to when I first got sick, she says, “Since we started your plan (the one described in my book), it’s like being on watch all the time. I look for signs of how you use rapid speech, express excessive worries about money, or try to do too much. I then call your brother and we work together to make sure you’re okay. He calls you, or we make sure to get you out somewhere. I don’t think you notice what we’re doing when you’re sick.”

My mother adds that she and other family members try to help me before things get out of hand, and this approach works. “You taught us what you need and we take over when you can’t help yourself,” she says. “We now know all your patterns. We’re no longer totally surprised by your behavior — we expect it and aren’t as scared as before.”

I guess I knew how she was going to answer my question, but it still made me cry. I hate being such a burden to my family. This illness has taken so much from us. But that is just how it is, isn’t it? It would be the same if I had a physical disability or illness. My mom says that if I had cancer, we would all, of course, learn what we could to help me stay alive.

So we have had to face facts: I have a chronic illness that will never go away. What has changed, though, is how I manage my bipolar and how I ask for their help. By working together, we have more normal and fun times than sick times. It wouldn’t be this way if I hadn’t taught them what I need — and if they hadn’t been willing to listen and do all they could to help.

I’m very thankful for my family.

UPDATED: Originally printed as “Teaching Your Loved Ones to Help You,” Spring 2007

The post Teaching Caregivers How to Help You Through Mood Episodes appeared first on bpHope.com.