When you’re living with bipolar, feeling good about yourself and your accomplishments can become a major challenge.

“So, uh, you gotta tell me what you wanna do,” my husband said to me for, like, the billionth time in the past six months, “because time’s a-wastin’, baby.”

I cringed. Of course I did. My 50th birthday was in a few weeks, and a couple weeks after that, our 20th wedding anniversary would arrive. With two big milestones coming one right after the other, I wasn’t quite Celebrating. It wasn’t because I had any problem with middle age; honestly, I had little problem with hitting the half-century mark, apart from the encroaching body aches. And the fact that our marriage was two decades in the making was a good thing — remarkably, we had yet to run for the hills using separate trails.

Doubting My Own Achievements and Milestones

I wasn’t celebrating because I hadn’t yet to figured out how to. Reveling in the big things was difficult for me as a result of Bipolar and other mental disorders. Rejoicing over any success or accomplishment had always been a challenge for me, because I always questioned whether I deserved it — or, sometimes, if what I supposedly achieved was even real. My brain seemed to play tricks, on both sides of the spectrum, keeping my sense of what was worth jubilation as unstable as my moods.

It was also due to the trauma of mental illness. There have been far too many occasions in the past when a time for joy arrived and I wasn’t able to participate as I wanted, or, worse, as others expected, because I was sick, getting sick, or prompted into poor behavior by some unrecognized trigger.

Bipolar Negatively Impacted Important Life Moments

I remember in high school, during my first major depression, when I was known among all the kids as the “artist.” I didn’t think I deserved to win an art scholarship, so I simply didn’t apply; I told my parents that another girl needed the money more. A few years later, still depressed, and with my bipolar undiagnosed, I hurt my sister deeply when I went into a rage at her graduation party over some stupid car key thing and smashed a plate against a wall.

When my dad forgot the film at my college graduation, I didn’t allow myself to be disappointed that we’d have no photos of the ceremony because, in my mind, the fact that I was graduating near the top of my class from a prestigious school wasn’t completely real to me. I took that concept so far as to not hire a photographer for my own wedding — why take those photos, either, if I questioned the value of my own existence? From that point on, I’d been truly proud of very little, and holidays, festivities, and even backyard barbecues went unplanned. And when I couldn’t remember my milestone birthday, it was because I made sure it wasn’t worth remembering.

Enough is enough — it was time to lighten up.

Learning How to Celebrate My Accomplishments

My life is worth more than simply persisting from one breath to the next, waiting only for the next mood, the next thing to endure or cope with. I realized I’d been living in fear of celebrating the big things, because I allowed the fear of what happened in the past to determine how I’d design my future. My life is real; what I do, dream about, and then go out and accomplish is true. I’m an artist. I’m a writer. It’s precisely because of what I’ve done in the past that I’m able to say that now.

The fact that I’m in my fifties, alive, and doing pretty well coping with mental health issues is a remarkable achievement. I can put my hand on my chest and feel my heart beating, strong and steady. The fact that my husband and I have been married for over 20 years is also a feat worth celebrating, especially considering the challenges my illness can put on the relationship. I know how to hold him, and he me, and that is tangible.

I was nervous about trying out this celebrating-the-big-things thing. But if I can manage bipolar, I can manage to set aside some time to rejoice a little.

I turned to my husband and said, “I want to watch the sunrise with you, baby. If we can get a photo of us sitting, overlooking a canyon, with the dog next to us, all the better.”

UPDATED: Originally printed as “On Second Thought: Celebrating the big things,” Summer 2016

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