If I buy into the idea that bipolar disorder is easy to treat and one day I’m going to magically be better, I will be upset every time I get sick. I have to accept my bipolar reality.

What My Bipolar Reality Looks Like

I’ve had mood swings while sleeping. I can tell that my eyes are closed and that I’m dreaming, but the symptoms of the day are still present even though my brain has supposedly gone into a different state. I’ve experienced panic attacks during a nap and been so depressed I’ve rolled in a ball, promising the people around me that I would not hurt myself. This is my bipolar reality. I want to be honest about what I experience so that you won’t have to feel alone if it happens to you as well.

We have a mental Illness. This is our reality. It doesn’t matter what we call it. It doesn’t even matter if we deny we have it. The reality is our mood swings are there for all to see. I often experience depression, anxiety, mania, and psychosis in the same day. I hide as much as I can, and I know what to do for help, but reality is reality. My brain is not my friend.

You Are Not Alone in Your Struggles With Bipolar

You’re not alone if you haven’t found a magic pill that takes away the mood swings. You’re not alone if you struggle in school and at work. You’re not alone if bipolar profoundly affects your relationships. You can’t put lipstick on a piggy wiggy, and you can’t perfume dog poop. Sorry to be so crude. But bipolar is bipolar. It’s a brain-based illness. Despite all of this, I’m still an incredibly positive person, and I’m hoping you can also find a way to love life, too, despite the pain caused by this illness.

Why am I being so honest? It’s how I survive. If I buy in to the idea that this illness is easy to treat and that one day I’m going to magically be better, I’ll be upset every time I get sick. I’m a realist and it helps me move forward in life despite my mood swings.

When you look in the mirror and say to yourself, “Well, gosh darn it, I’ve got a genetic mental health disorder that affects my ability to manage my moods,” it clears the brain for getting help.

Denial, refusing to accept my limitations, thinking I’ll wake up one day and my brain will have righted itself, and listening to people who say that mental illness is a sham or shameful take up valuable time and brain space that I need for my management plan.

I need strategies in place for staying alive when the life-threatening thoughts show up simply because someone writes something rotten about one of my blogs. I need the space to put something in my brain that’s going to help, from medications, if needed, to meditative time alone, and supportive friends. This can also include exercise and having fun. Managing this illness has to be my job or I won’t be able to reach any of my goals.

People often ask if the illness gets worse as you get older. There’s no evidence for this that I know of, but I can tell you from my experience that it gets harder to manage as your body changes and life gets more crowded. When you’re 20 and don’t have as many worries, the illness may be the same, but it will affect your life incredibly differently than when you’re 40 and have kids and a mortgage.

Choosing My Perspective for Optimal Bipolar Treatment — and Living

My attitude is one of realistic positivity.

If I know what I’m up against, I can be ready for the mood swings when they inevitably appear. I’m ready for this illness.

I have to remain fascinated with my own brain. I have to remain vigilant and be kind to myself when I get sick. This is an illness. It’s not emotional instability. It’s not a personal choice, and it’s not something created by my childhood. Bipolar is genetic; it’s strong, and I have to be ready for what it throws at me, even if I’m sleeping.

I’m up to the task and I know you can be as well.  When my bipolar disorder gets really bad and I feel I’m too sick to function, I know that I’m going to be okay. It’s an illness.

I am strong, and you are, too.

Julie

UPDATED: Originally published December 13, 2017

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