Naturally, my journey with bipolar has had its ups and downs. It took a lot of time, faith, family support, and a lot of persistence to come to a place of mood stability and genuine happiness. In the depths of my bipolar depression, I never could have imagined living the life I now treasure.
My Lifelong Dream
Since I was a little girl, I dreamed of being a teacher. I grew up among some pretty amazing educators, including my best friend’s mom, Susan, who received awards for the difference she made throughout her years of teaching.
I continued my education through to college and, after attending five colleges (including junior colleges), I beat the odds and graduated with a BA in Sociology. It wasn’t a teaching degree, but it was what I needed to make my own way as an educator.
My wise therapist knew that the stress of being a teacher would be too much of a trigger for my Bipolar mood episodes. Stress sets off both mania and depression for me. So, she encouraged me to look into other positions within schools.
As you’ll soon see, it was a bumpy ride, with lots of detours, sudden stops of bipolar depression, plus a few scenic routes I explored on manic whims and deviating from my goal. But, eventually, I found myself living not only with a stable mood but also with steady employment as an educator.
Doing Things “My Way” as Treatment Failed
Nineteen years ago, I moved to Virginia as an escape from the depression that I experienced in Iowa soon after graduation from college. Like Frank Sinatra sings, “I Did It My Way”—and, boy, did I ever!
Lack of Access to Proper Medication Management
At the time, I was taking antidepressants and was connected with a psychiatrist, but he was not accessible. It wasn’t a good fit. I tried to get refills of my Medication, but it seemed that he was conveniently unavailable. I saw a psychologist, too, but never felt a connection to him, so seeing him made no impact on my bipolar mood management.
Impulsive Decisions in Relationships and Employment
Ever heard the saying “Nothing good ever comes from a one-night stand”? I learned that the hard way, too, and built a relationship that moved very quickly. Within months, we had moved in together. Mania felt so good.
When it came to managing my bipolar, I thought, I will go it on my own.
I had a very stressful job of working as an assistant with kindergarteners. During a manic episode, I quit the job without any thought. Then I took a second job working as a daycare teacher. That was a bad move. I fought with my boss at a meeting and brought grandiose ideas to the table. When I shared that I had bipolar disorder, I started to face discrimination. That is when my boss started taking steps to get me fired. Her behavior felt evil. In the end, I had to explain to the people in charge of the whole program that I had bipolar. They were very kind.
Too Sick to Work
After the daycare position, I started another job, this time working with children on the autism spectrum. That was a disaster simply because I was too sick to work.
Insomnia & Mania
I experienced extreme insomnia. On one particularly difficult night, I remember downing medications that caused drowsiness—not because I needed them, but just to try to get some sleep. I hoped that I hadn’t taken too much. But, I was flying so high on my mania, it had no effect.
Relationship Turmoil
There were fights going on with my boyfriend. Horrific ones. It’s no wonder that the neighbors did not call the cops. He began to verbally abuse me.
At this point, I knew I needed help.
Dishonesty about My Diagnosis
My parents did everything to try to convince me that I needed to see a new psychiatrist and to get back on Proper Medication. I complied, but I was so sick that I told the new doctor that I was just dealing with anxiety.
That is how I learned if you are not honest with doctors, you cannot get the proper help you need.
I kept telling him that I was increasingly anxious; so, he kept raising my medication dosage. The side effect was that it took away my appetite. I couldn’t eat. My 150-pound body quickly dropped 25 pounds. At one point, I was so thin and unwell that a woman approached me to discuss anorexia.
Mixed Mania & A Call for Help
One night, in a state of mixed mania, I called my parents.
“I can’t do this anymore.”
My loving parents came to my rescue once again. They moved me to Las Vegas, where we all currently live. They paid for my COBRA health insurance and never turned their back on me. My mom and dad found me the best psychiatrist I have ever been under the care of. I cannot thank them enough for their steadfast support with my bipolar.
When I moved to Las Vegas, though, that’s when the true pain and suffering began. I had to wean off of the wrong medication I was on, then start taking the proper medication for bipolar disorder.
I was a lump on the couch. I could barely gather enough energy to get up from the couch. I could not watch TV, and I lost all will to live. I remember a moment of wanting nothing more than to die. The thought of it felt so much easier than living.
Family, Faith, & a Restored Will to Live
My dad reminded me of God’s love for me and the strong faith that has always been at the center of my being.
My mom nursed be back to health and made me drink nasty-tasting protein supplements.
It only took six months of trying different medications until the sun began to shine again. Hope returned.
The Wrong Work Schedule for Me
As I became healthier, I wanted to return to the classroom again. But because there were no opportunities, I had to take other jobs.
I began working at a retail store and started my role by matching shoes. I was so miserable.
I went to college to match pink stilettos? I thought to myself.
“It’s a job,” my parents kept telling me.
“It’s not going to last forever,” they reminded me.
It sure felt like it was going to last forever.
I then had an opportunity to work at a big-box home-improvement store. But I was still miserable, working the retail hours.
I started to become depressed. Nothing else was on the horizon, and I couldn’t get the thought of working at a school out of my head.
From Self-Pity to Faith and Marriage
While I was busy on the “pity potty,” I met my Prince Charming on a Catholic website, and we were already attending the same church. Things started to look up.
Meeting him was one of those unforgettable turning points in my life. God had heard my pleas to find the right man, and He answered my prayers.
Meanwhile, I finally had an opportunity to work at a school. But it turned out to be a bad experience, and I was laid off the same month as my wedding.
In fact, I couldn’t find a job during the first six months of our marriage. That put tremendous stress on our new relationship.
So, again, I turned to faith. I prayed, and, finally, God opened the right door at just the right school.
Why Some Dreams ARE Worth Keeping
As I write this, I am going on my fourteenth year as an instructional assistant in the same school. I love my school, the kids, and the staff. I have found a stability in my life, both professionally and personally, that I had only dreamed about. I even wrote a book, Some Dreams Are Worth Keeping: A Memoir of My Bipolar Journey, to prove that dreams really can come true.
Stability Takes Time
If you are struggling today, remember, stability takes time.
It begins with being on the proper medication and surrendering to it daily. It is okay to take it and wise to do so.
Remember to be patient with yourself. It really is a journey.
Seek support from others. I have spent a lifetime on the couch of a psychologist. I also co-lead a support group. There are support groups in every community.
Find friends who will give you strength. I hear a lot of people say, “I have no one.” I challenge you to look and think outside of the box. For instance, join an organization. I have found support in a public-speaking club, Toastmasters International, of all places!
Above all else, continue to hold on to faith, knowing that the life you are living today might not be the one you will live tomorrow.
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