People Pleasing is simply the act of saying or doing anything and everything just to satisfy everybody. It is a deliberate act where a person go out of their way and against their own real intentions to make everyone around them happy by doing or saying whatever they want and like.
Against their own real intentions, convictions or desires, they yearn to please everyone they come across just to appear to be a good person. It does not matter how they really think or what they really want, they would say or do the opposite just to appear good to everyone.
Is there a People Pleaser Personality?
Yes! Your personality is NOT a choice. People higher in agreeableness tend to be more prone to people pleasing than other personality types.
Let’s face the reality, everyone is a people pleaser at some point and to some extent. We always try to appear as nice as possible to the next person that approaches us but when it becomes too much that we want to appear nice to everyone at all cost then that’s a problem. Below are reasons why;
1. More Hate Instead Of Love: You are trying to make everyone happy and doing just what they all want no matter what it takes or cost you. Hopefully they would all love you and see you as the good person among. However when everyone realizes you are pretending just to be called nice, they hate you the more. They feel they can’t get the truth out of you, you end up telling them what you feel they want to hear instead of the truth. So instead they begin to avoid you and that breeds more hate.
2. You Become Untrustworthy: No one can really get the truth of the matter from you, you play nice and try to be in the middle just to please all parties. Everyone is confused and don’t know how you really feel about things. They are not sure if you are actually comfortable doing what they have asked of you or not, so they begin to trust you, your words and your actions less and less until they disapprove of you completely.
3. You Appear Manipulative: Each time someone comes to you for something, you end up doing what you feel pleases them as against what they really needed. It continues that way and they eventually discover what they where looking for elsewhere, making them feel you have been using them all along. When two opposing sides have arguments and they come to you separately, you take sides with each individually and tell them what pleases their ears. Eventually they discover later and you become manipulative.
4. You Begin To Hate The Things You Used To Love: Let’s assume you are the type that loves cleaning and you do it with so much enthusiasm. Everyone sees so and begins to approach you to do it for them as against what you would have wanted to do at that moment. You oblige them because you do not want to say no to them in a bid to make them happy with you. In the end as you clean more and more against your actual will, you begin to hate cleaning.
5. You May Develop Mental Health Issues: As You struggle to please everyone and be on their good book, you do it against you own actual intentions, will and desires. You no longer do the things that makes you happy and fulfilled, instead you are dragging yourself to make everyone else happy. Slowly you begin to drain yourself of your own happiness and fulfillment, becoming more sad inside, wearing a happy and smiling face for all. You keep accumulating the sadness inside and consequently you may fall into depression and that becomes dangerous if left unattended.
6. You Forget The One Person Who Matters The Most: In your bid to be the best one among, doing everything and anything to make all to be happy with you and going out of your way for it, you forget the one person whose happiness matters the most, you. You are afraid of rejection and failure therefore you try to please everyone not realizing that ymou are failing and rejecting yourself which is actually the worst type of rejection, self rejection!
10 Signs You Are a People Pleaser
Does any of this relate to you? If you feel like you’ve been people-pleasing and want to stop, there is hope.
Without further ado, here is what you can do to start saying “no” to others and say “yes” to yourself:
11 Ways to Stop Pleasing
#1: “Let Me Get Back to You”
Here is my favorite anti-people-pleasing phrase:
“Let me get back to you.”
It’s extremely hard to say no to someone else’s personal request; it’s even harder when you are a people pleaser.
So when a friend asks you to help her find a new outfit, you default to “sure.” And then you agonize later: “why did I say yes!?”
It is CRITICAL for people pleasers NOT to give an answer immediately.
Make a rule for yourself that if someone asks you for something, your default answer is always: “Let me get back to you.”
#2: Add Delay
Stop!
Just for 50 to 100 milliseconds.
This small amount of time is all you need, according to a 2014 Columbia University study, to make better decisions.
The study, titled “Humans optimize decision-making by delaying decision onset,” showed that the human brain needs just 50 to 100 milliseconds to focus its attention on relevant information and block out all distractions.
This is especially true for people pleasers, since it can be an automatic reaction to just say yes to all requests asked of them.
So for people pleasers, this means taking a slightly longer pause before you make any decision to lock in obligations.
And don’t worry about the silence! Silence is a completely normal part of any social interaction, and even makes you seem more confident and powerful!
#3: Start with Small Noes
Sometimes it’s hard to go cold turkey on pleasing people, so start with small noes. The easiest small noes are over chat or text since you have time to reply.
“It’s only by saying ‘no’ that you can concentrate on the things that are really important.”
— Steve Jobs
You can also try saying “no” to these scenarios:
when a waitress asks if you want to order a drink with your meal
to a parent who wants to video call waaaay too often (or for too long)
If an old friend invites you to a party
when an ambivalent friend asks you to dinner.
whenever a door-to-door salesman comes knocking
And you don’t even have to outright say “no,” either. You can also try offering alternatives.
In other words, you don’t have to outright reject anyone—you can offer a different solution that can satisfy both you and the other person you’re with.
#4: Stop Saying “I Can’t”
The biggest mistake a people pleaser can make isn’t not saying no, but rather how they say no.
I can’t go to the party
I can’t do that project
I can’t talk to you right now
These examples invite someone to say, “But why?” and push you on your boundaries.
Toxic people and fake friends LOVE to push boundaries. They say,
“It’ll be quick!”
“Just come for a little bit.”
“I promise it won’t be a big deal.”
A 2012 study published in the Journal of Consumer Research found that saying “I don’t” instead of “I can’t” allowed participants to gracefully exit unwanted commitments.
Why? Because “I don’t” is much more powerful than “I can’t” … it also shuts down toxic people faster.
“I don’t” establishes a clear boundary, making you sound much more confident and clear in your intentions. On the other hand, people who say “I can’t” seem like they’re giving an excuse and might have some wiggle room to give.
Try saying “I don’t”:
“I don’t want to go to the party.”
“I don’t want to grab dinner.”
“I don’t want to talk now.”
Here’s an anti-people-pleasing challenge for you: The next time you have an obligation you don’t want to do, say “I don’t.”
#5: Rewrite Your Story
Okay, it’s time for a cringe-worthy moment.
I want you to think of a time where you cracked a joke or tried to be funny, and nobody laughed. Or maybe a time where you tried hard to be taken seriously and were completely ignored.
Do you remember a specific scenario? How did it make you feel? Embarrassed? Anxious? Nervous?
Good!
Because here’s where you can change your story.
According to the American Psychological Association, a study was conducted in which 269 adults and 125 college students told open-ended stories about meaningful times in their lives:
The stories were then placed into 2 different categories: stories with “redemption sequences,” in which bad events had good outcomes, and stories with “contamination sequences,” in which good events had bad ones.
And here’s where this story applies to YOU: the researchers found that people who told stories with more redemption sequences were happier than those who didn’t.
This means that they rewrote their narrative.
When rewriting your story, try to think of the reality, the truth, the emotions, the positive, the underlying growth. Did you learn something? How did you benefit? What value did you offer others? How did this experience change you for the better?
When you learn to take control of your own story, you’ll feel much better about pleasing yourself rather than others.
#6: Know Your Goals
It’s much easier to say no to other people’s requests when you know what you are saying yes to in your life.
Saying no is easier when you have lots of great things to say yes to.
Once a week I sit down and re-evaluate my long- and short-term goals for the week. I want to know what I am doing this week that gets me closer to where I want to be in 5 years.
When I have this clear in my head, it’s much easier to say no to a request because I have to make time for my goals right now.
You know what I noticed?
Saying no became way easier! Now, every no was a yes for my planner.
So my questions for you are:
Where do you want to be in 5 years’ time?
What are you doing right now to get yourself there?
What do you want to make space for?
What do you want to say yes to?
These answers will make it easier for you to focus on you.
#7: Get Rid of Toxic People:
As you have been reading this article, is there one specific person you have been thinking of? Someone who is constantly asking you for things that you are sucked into? Someone who is wasting your time and energy?
Don’t worry—you’re not alone. We’ve all been there, and we’ll continue to have toxic people entering our lives, doing their little mischief and leaving behind their damage already done.
Unless you know how to spot them!
#8: Stop Apologizing
Chances are, you’ve probably said sorry at least a handful of times in the past week.
According to a survey by Coca-Cola of 2,000 Londoners:
People on average say sorry up to 7 times per day. That’s about 200,000 times in one lifetime, or a grand total of 56 hours saying sorry!
The next time you say no, say it with meaning. Don’t apologize because you have to prioritize.
Don’t feel bad that you have something to take care of. You are standing up for you; and remember, if you don’t stand up for you, no one else will.
#9: Optimize Your Apology
Sometimes we all make mistakes and have to own up.
But did you know there is a “good” way to apologize and a ‘bad’ way?
Once you’ve really worked on saying no unapologetically, you can work on saying sorry the right way!
But first, pop quiz!
Which of these sayings do you think is the “bad” way to apologize?
“I’ll never do it again.”
“I’m ashamed of myself.”
“It was complicated.”
If you answered c, you are correct!
Saying “Sorry, it was complicated” to stitch up a bad situation is an apology containing evasion, according to a 2014 study.
The research, which analyzed 183 celebrity apologies, found that apologies containing denial (“It’s not my fault”) and evasion (“It was complicated”) performed the worst.
Apologies containing corrective action (“I’ll never do it again”) and mortification (“I’m ashamed of myself”) were seen as more favorable.
Are you really sorry?
Here’s a challenge for you: write down an apology containing corrective action or mortification, or choose one above. Keep it in the back of your mind for the next time you say you’re sorry!
And what if your phrase is too dramatic or inappropriate for a small situation? Then it’s probably not worth apologizing over!
#10: Unleash Your Internal Validation
You know my treadmill story above? The hardest part about reliving old stories is that they tend to demoralize you (or you use them to demoralize yourself).
I went right back to my 5th grade self. When I felt unliked, fat, and clumsy.
It’s hard to say no when you have low self-esteem or a poor sense of self.
Most people pleasers are like me in this situation: desperate for validation and appreciation.
One study conducted by the University College London and Aarhus University in Denmark actually found that we can tell who are validation seekers simply by looking at their brain scans.
Here’s what happened:
Researchers gathered 28 volunteers and asked them to make a list of 20 songs they liked, but did not own a copy of.
They were then asked to rate the songs on a scale from 1 to 10, depending on how much they wanted to own the song.
The researchers then introduced two musical “experts” who expressed their own opinions about the songs.
Now here’s the interesting part…
When the experts’ opinions matched those of the participants, the part of the brain associated with reward lit up with activity.
And the greater validation the participants received, the more activity their brains showed!
Some people are programmed to be people pleasers.
But here’s the big problem: relying on validation from others means your confidence is purely based on external forces.
I want you to rely on internal validation, not external.
The best way to fight people pleasing is to build up what makes you feel good. If you feel good, you don’t need others to make you feel good.
Do activities that make you feel like a ‘“baller.”
Hang around people who make you feel awesome without having to do anything for them.
Enjoy your happiness and don’t feel guilty for it.
#11: You’re Not Pizza
Please the right people!
