Anger is one of those electrical emotions that all of us experience — some more often or more easily than others — and different things provoke us and rile us up. It can be a healthy emotion up to a point. For instance, Anger about a cause, an injustice or a political issue can motivate us to act for good.

Feeling Angry is normal. It’s hardwired into us. It’s a natural reaction to a perceived threat.

The threat could be to ourselves, someone we love, our property, or our sense of identity.

You definitely know anger when you feel it. It sometimes shows up in more subtle feelings like irritation, indignation, or frustration.

On the high end of the anger intensity scale, you feel rage and furor — the times when you find yourself screaming like a banshee, slamming doors, or even throwing a punch. This is explosive anger generally leads to regret.

There are triggering events that lead to our anger, but it’s our perceptions of a Situation often provoke angry feelings. Someone cuts us off in traffic. Our spouse says something we find offensive. Our boss gives the promotion to your less-than-capable co-worker.

In our anger (and sometimes even when we’re calm), we believe the triggering event “makes” us feel angry. But if that were true, everyone would feel angry over the exact same situations. What makes one person livid with rage doesn’t necessarily bother another person. There are mitigating factors.

These factors can include your personality — competitive, narcissistic, Type A personalities for example are more prone to anger. Also your state of mind prior to the triggering event can tip the scales from irritation to red-faced rage.

If you’re tired, already irritated about something, or anxious, you’ll respond more readily with anger to the triggering event. Of course your appraisal of the anger-provoking situation has a profound impact on how you react.

Feeling angry isn’t bad. Quite often anger is justified and necessary. You can use it to stand up for yourself, right a wrong, and take action for positive change.

However, mismanaged anger — whether you shove it down or let it rip — can be detrimental to your health, your relationships, and your ability to be successful in your career. You need to know skills for managing anger so you don’t push away friends, lose your job, or wind up in divorce court.

Think like a detective and track down clues about the kinds of situations, people, and events that trigger your anger, says Dr. Nicholson. Once you’re aware of them, try to avoid them if possible. If you can’t avoid them, at least you’ll know to anticipate them, which will give you more time to prepare for them so they don’t affect you so negatively. Here are more productive things you can do instead of complaining when you’re annoyed.

Anger is an emotion that doesn’t necessarily reflect reality. When we are absorbed in anger, we often have knee-jerk reactions because the emotions feel so real and powerful.

Emotions come and go but behavior has long-lasting consequences. When you’re angry, try to remind yourself that it’s just a feeling, and it will pass soon enough.

Sit with the feeling for a few minutes without saying or doing anything. If you feel like crying or punching a pillow (but not a wall or a person), then do so if it helps relieve the tension.

Anger causes many physical reactions — a rush of adrenaline, increased heart rate, tightening of muscles, and rapid breathing. When you manage these physicals symptoms, you can begin to calm your mind as well.

If possible, close your eyes and take five minutes to practice abdominal breathing. Count each breath up to ten, saying the number on the out breath. Do this several times until you feel your heart rate slow down and your body relax.

When you’re angry, your body becomes tense, says Robert Nicholson, PhD, assistant professor of community and family medicine at Saint Louis University. Breathing deeply helps lower your internal anger meter. 

Recognize your own personal signs of escalating anger. Those might be clenched fists, trembling, flushing, or sweating. Then use deep breathing to regain control of yourself before your anger erupts, suggests Catheleen Jordan, PhD, a professor of social work at the University of Texas at Arlington. If you’re not sure about your own anger warning signs, ask a friend or family member. They’ll know!

If another person triggers your anger, excuse yourself from them before you respond. Say something like, “I need to step away for a moment,” and leave the room so you can manage your feelings and practice breathing privately.

It might feel good in the moment to scream and yell or respond with a snarky comment, but you know this isn’t the best way to react, even if the other person is behaving badly.

appropriately without the distorting cloud of anger. Taking a walk outside, going for a run, or exercising in some way can help diffuse the angry feelings.

Whoever loses it, loses. Losing your temper makes you look like the bad guy to everyone else, no matter who is really at fault, says Southern California psychotherapist Tina Tessina, PhD, author of It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction. To get better at controlling your anger, visualize a scene in which you got angry and replay the tape several times, each time envisioning yourself responding a different way. You’re actually rehearsing different reactions and giving yourself new options. The next time you’re close to losing your temper, one of these options will pop into your mind, providing you with a better response.

Acknowledge some core truths about people: Most people act out of the belief that they are doing the right thing. Most people are not malicious, mean-spirited, or backstabbing. Most people are more sensitive and insecure than they let on. Most people aren’t very good judges of how their actions affect others. In other words, we’re neither villains nor saints. We’re all just people—struggling to lead happy, healthy, meaningful lives in a complicated world. Even the people who anger you. Particularly them. With this in mind, forgiveness comes much easier

When you’re more calm, ask yourself what really made you so angry. How did you feel threatened? This requires some deeper self-inquiry. You might say initially you were angry with your spouse because, “He acts like a jerk.” But what is really behind that feeling?

Use this question temate to help you: “When my husband (wife, boss, etc.) says (does) _______, it makes me feel ________.”

Don’t use the word “angry” or any related word to describe your feelings. Dig out the threat behind the anger. Maybe it makes you feel diminished, unloved, disrespected, stupid, etc.

This self-inquiry requires honesty and vulnerability, but it will help you better understand yourself so you can make positive change.

 Forget about punching a pillow, a wall, or the object of your anger. Contrary to popular belief, these common reactions don’t decrease your anger. In fact, studies find, they only increase your hostility. And getting angry over little things can dramatically spike your risk of a heart attack.

When you come up with the word or words that describe the threat you feel, examine those feelings more closely.

Sometimes the feelings are legitimate, healthy responses to unjustified or undeserved treatment. If someone continues to put you down or lies about you, for example, then you’re threatened feelings are valid.

Other times it’s not so clear. Perhaps someone makes an offhand remark, but you interpret it negatively because you have low self-esteem, or you’re simply feeling tired. Try to step outside of yourself to view the situation with dispassionate eyes.

 Picture a red stop sign 

Picture a red stop sign in your mind or wear a rubber band on your wrist and snap it whenever you find your anger beginning to boil. Then take a few minutes to put the issue into perspective and ask yourself if it’s worth the humiliation that comes from becoming overtly angry.

There are some situations that trigger anger, but they really aren’t worth expending much time or mental energy. Let’s say someone cuts you off while driving, or an acquaintance makes a passive-aggressive remark about you in front of others.

These situations are fleeting and likely won’t happen again with the same person. You feel the anger bubble up, but taking action would cause more harm than good.

I like to use the balloon visualization in these scenarios. You simply visualize your anger as an orb of energy, and you mentally place it in a balloon. Then release the balloon and imagine it floating away and out of sight.

If it’s a situation you want to deal with later, but you can’t at the moment it happens — for instance a co-worker undermines you in a meeting — then mentally put the situation and your anger in a box and put it on a shelf. You can proceed calmly until it’s time to take the box down and deal with it.

 Get your perception right 

Is this person or situation really worth spending your emotional energy on? Risking your health over? Putting your dignity and peace of mind at risk?

Writing is a great way to release your anger and explore your feelings. When an anger-triggering situation happens, first just let it flow on the page and discharge all of your angry thoughts.

Then go back and write the scenario as if you’re a bystander observing it. Simply chronicle the events and words as you remember them.

Go through the exercise of examining the emotional threat behind the anger, and write about that as well.

Finally, write a plan for dealing with the situation in a healthy way. What kind of change do you desire? How can you calmly communicate that? How can you maturely share the way the situation made you feel?

 Pinch yourself every time you hear yourself using the words “never,” “always,” etc. Such thinking leads to a black-and-white, all-or-nothing mentality, and that, in turn, shortens your fuse. Instead, suggests Dr. Nicholson, look at things in shades of gray instead of black and white. Acknowledge that sometimes life is unfair and sometimes the person who is making you angry does the wrong thing. But don’t fuel the fires with phrases like “always disappoints” or “never comes through.”

When you’re angry, look at your watch. Let the second hand sweep across the dial at least two minutes before you take any action, says Ron Potter-Efron, author ofStop the Anger Now. By then, you’ll have had time to think and can act in a more appropriate way. Plus, it’s kind of a Zen thing to watch time move.

Take a moment to put yourself in the other person’s shoes. What triggered them to say or do the thing that set off your anger?

Perhaps they were completely blind to your feelings. Maybe they were tired, distracted, or in emotional pain. Maybe they have a personality type that is entirely different from yours. Maybe you said or did something that triggered their behavior.

Understanding and empathizing with the other person will help mitigate your angry feelings. Most people are unconscious in the way they react and respond, and they are simply doing the best they know how.

Accept what you can't change and remain calm
 Understand that someone, somewhere, is gossiping about you, because that’s what people do, but understand also that it has absolutely no impact on your life.

When we feel angry, we want other people to corroborate and affirm our feelings. We want someone to say, “You are right, and they are wrong. You are good, and they are bad.”

However, looking to others to categorically support our position doesn’t serve us. It only provides temporary relief.

Once you have calmed down from your initial outrage, find a trusted friend or counselor, and review the situation and your feelings about it. Seek honest, unbiased feedback so that you can respond in a healthy, productive way when the time comes.

It may be uncomfortable to look at your own contribution to the angry situation, but this is part of personal growth and self-honesty.

Some people don’t have angry outbursts, even when they feel extremely angry. They use passive aggressive behaviors to reveal their anger, perhaps thinking it’s a more acceptable, calm response.

Making comments under your breath, giving the silent treatment, disguising criticism with compliments, or making intentional mistakes are examples of passively demonstrating your anger.

Passive-aggressive behavior never really addresses the issue directly, and it can lead to more anger and frustration when the other person doesn’t respond or is confused by your behavior.

It’s better to say or do nothing until you have the ability to communicate your feelings forthrightly and calmly.

By taking the time to calm down when you feel angry, you’re not just saving yourself from future regret and difficulties. You’re also training yourself to be the emotionally mature and balanced person you want to be.

You allow yourself the time and space to understand your feelings and to rationally decide the best course of action going forward.

Anger is a normal emotion, but how you respond to it can make a huge difference in your relationships and quality of life.

Remember, too, that displays of anger don’t accomplish anything except to anger or intimidate others. It is not a disciplinary tool, a communication method, or an emotional weapon. It is a damaging, personal, emotional state that is symptomatic of an underlying problem. So don’t ever let yourself use anger as a threat, particularly with your children. Your anger should be your problem, not theirs.