I’ve realized something. It seems to have taken me 34 1/2 years to come to this conclusion.
We are Obsessed with bodies. Our bodies. Other bodies. We. Are. Obsessed.
There are those who want to be thin. Those who want to be lean. Those who are happy with status quo. And those who want to be bigger.
I’m one of those people who are obsessed with bodies. Mine to be exact. For the longest time I wanted to be thin. Rail thin. Skinny. In my mid-twenties I even took the drastic approach of anemia and bulimia. Worst. Decision. Ever. I lost a lot of weight. A shit ton honestly. I was sick. Not rail thin, but I wasn’t allowing food to stay in my body long enough to nourish it.
That all changed with my pregnancy which threw me into a tailspin in the opposite direction. I gained weight.
At my heaviest I was 287 lbs. I hated myself so much. I became even more obsessed. I looked at videos. I looked at photos of other women wishing I could be them. I never thought I could change. I could never be one of those beautiful lean, trim women.
Until I started going to the gym. I read up on what to do to lose that fat. What to eat. What I had to do. And it started to fall off. I lost 87 lbs.
I was doing great until I sunk into this massive depression that side lined me for a year.
I put 45 lbs back on. I couldn’t shake it. I knew there was something wrong with me. I knew that there was no reason for me to be in the mood I was in.
I was still obsessed with my body.
I am still obsessed with my body.
I’m still struggling with this horrendous feeling of inadequacy, depression and just utter despair. (Still…for no reason. Life is honestly great right now….except for the whole Covid-19 thing of course.)
I’m Learning to accept me as I go through this weight loss journey. I’ve realized I don’t have to hate food. I can love food…just in moderation. I’m learning that self-control when it comes to my calories and how much I eat. I’m learning that I need to take care of me both mentally and physically.
I have an obsession that I’m learning to control. I don’t need to focus on being thin. Or lean. Or if I’m fat. What I need to focus on is being healthy.
I need to be the best me I can be for my family.
Even if they are exhausted after our runs.
