Interview with a Non-Scientist

by C. A. Matthews

With the recent March to End Fossil Fuels in New York and the deadly floods in Libya and elsewhere, environmental crises and activism have been talked about in the both mainstream media and podcast outlets alike. Climate scientists like Peter Kalmus have preached the warning far and wide that burning fossil fuels has heated our atmosphere causing detrimental climate change and, more than likely, irreparable damage to our planet. Green Party presidential candidate Dr. Cornel West has elevated the climate emergency by actually speaking about it on the campaign trail, unlike others running for the same office who somehow think expanding oil drilling on federal lands is a good idea.

Sane persons ask, “What will it take for Big Oil to shut down forever and allow green energy to take over? Why won’t our elected officials listen to the concerned climate scientists instead of their obscenely wealthy corporate donors? Why does the mainstream media tolerate #ClimateHoax people at the expense of #ClimateEmergency people?”

Why indeed.

I decided to track down a climate crisis denier and ask them for their perspective on recent happenings in the weather. Perhaps their insights can answer these questions and clear up some of the confusion. To that end, I put out a call and received a response from one Freddie Flattearther. Here is the transcript of that interview:

The Revolution Continues: Welcome to the The Revolution Continues blog, Freddie. Thanks for taking some of your valuable time to talk with us.

Freddie Flattearther: Thanks for this opportunity. It isn’t usual that a communist organization is interested in hearing anything from the sane side of this climate change argument, so I must admit I was quite happy to oblige.

TRC: You’re welcome. We’re not exactly a “communist organization,” but we do pride ourselves on keeping an open mind and being one with the workers. So, let’s start by you telling us a little about yourself and why you feel you’re qualified to speak about the so-called “Climate Hoax” you claim is currently happening.

FF: You could say that I’m a proud non-scientist who knows tons more about the climate changing than any of these so called “climate scientists” out there. You wonder what they’re teaching in those colleges nowadays, but, whatever it is, it’s not commonsense.

TRC: It’s not commonsense? Please elaborate on why being a “non-scientist” makes you an expert in an area that others study for many years at a high level of academia?

FF: I call it the “They-can’t-see-the-forest-for-the-trees Syndrome.” Those eggheads can’t even look at their calendars and see the main reason why the climate is changing. You need an ordinary person like me whose mind hasn’t been contaminated with too much knowledge to explain it.

TRC: Please do.

FF: (Lowering his voice.) It’s so simple that even a child can understand it. The climate changes all the time. It’s called "the four seasons"—and I don’t mean the pop group with Frankie Valli from the 1960s or the big, fancy hotel chain, either.

TRC: So the massive floods, the unprecedented number of strong hurricanes so far this year, the unusual heat waves and droughts worldwide are all due to a simple change of the seasons? Is that correct?

FF: Well, not exactly. The seasons are changing, but they’re also getting both longer and shorter. Summer is about a month longer than normal I’ve observed over the last couple of years. Hence, we had a very intense hot spell in what used to be a month normally associated with spring. There’s also a big chance they’ll be a larger than average number of hurricanes occurring because summer is longer, so there’s more room on the calendar to squish them in. I call this the “Rubber Band Effect.” Eventually we’ll snap out of it.

TRC: How will we “snap out of it”?

FF: The giant rubber band wound around the core of the planet will eventually break, bringing things back to normal.

TRC: There’s a giant Rubber Band wrapped around the core of the planet? I wasn’t sure you believed in a round Earth with a core, what with your last name and all, Mr. Flattearther.

FF: My family used to believe in a flat Earth, but I’ve grown a little in my outlook over the decades. A flat Earth makes it hard to explain a lot of planetary events. However, the Rubber Band Core explains earthquakes and the climate changing dramatically quite well.

TRC: This rubber band core explains the devastating earthquake in Morocco recently?

FF: Yes, that was the rubber band core being bounced hard by the giant who lives on the dark side of the moon.

TRC: (Clearing throat.) There’s a giant on the moon who bounces the earth’s core now and then?

FF: Yes, and he bounces it mostly when he’s bored. He’s grown very bored these past fifty years because we haven’t sent up any more spaceships to the moon for him to slingshot them around. It’s one of the biggest reasons why it’s been growing hotter lately.

TRC: (Nodding slowly.) Uh-huh. Explain how that works. And does this giant have a name?

FF: Those intense heat blasts come out of the giant’s mouth. He’s full of hot air, so I’ve given him the name of “Mr. Gassy.” And he is a stinker! His burping and farting explains why our air smells rather rank like rotten eggs sometimes, especially when the wind is blowing from the side of town where the oil refinery is located.

TRC: You don’t believe the obnoxious smells are coming from local manufacturing and/or the oil refinery itself?

FF: Nah, they couldn’t be. I know for a fact that our factories and our oil refinery only emit the purest of air.

TRC: (Raising an eyebrow.) Really? How do you know this to be true? Most people would say that the bad smells are indicative of the pollutants being spewed out of the smoke stacks.

FF: Of course it’s true! Why would Exxon or Chevron lie to us? They take care of little ducklings and goslings whenever they’re in need of a bath. There’s a TV commercial that shows this to be true.

TRC: You mean the dish soap commercial showing people washing oil off of wild birds’ feathers after they were got caught in an oil slick? Okay, I see where now you’re possibly getting your ideas. Do you always believe whatever you see or hear on television?

FF: For the most part, yes. There’s no reason for the big corporations to lie to us. They live on the same planet with us. Why would they pollute their own air and water, for instance? (Laughing.) I bet you don’t have a good answer to that!

TRC: No, I don’t. There is no good reason why anyone or any corporation would pollute their own air and water, but they do. As they say, “It's an ill bird that fouls its own nest.”

FF: See? I told you there’s no real reason to worry about a “climate emergency.” (Miming quote marks.) The corporations are looking after us like they look after those sick birds. We can trust them because they’re smart, unlike our politicians. They’re all a bunch of morons.

TRC: On that point, we’re agreed. Politicians are, for the most part, unethical morons, but how can we be so sure we’re not being duped by Big Oil, for instance?

FF: I’m sure they’re not lying to us, because if I ever found out they had lied about the quality of their product, gasoline, I’d stop buying so much of it for my Cadillac Escalade and buy one of those plug-in electric cars instead. I’d be downright angry if I ever found out how their products caused the earth to become hotter or dryer in the summer months or caused deadly flooding and storms where normally there aren’t any. Lots of people like me would stop buying gasoline, and that would put the oil companies out of business. They’re not stupid. They rely on people like me to stay in business.

TRC: They certainly do. So, you’re not angry about Mr. Gassy the giant bouncing the earth or batting it about?

FF: No, not really. It’s just the way he is. I just hope the US can nuke China soon so we can prevent the Chinese from sending any more space probes to the dark side of the moon. It annoys him.

TRC: Uh, yeah. Do you feel that nuclear war is winnable?

FF: All wars are winnable—if you have Mr. Gassy on your side.

TRC: Yeah, I thought you might say that. It’s been quite an experience chatting with you, Freddie Flattearther. Everyone, be careful out there and try not to get on the giant’s bad side. It seems the future of everyone Earth is counting on it.

https://youtu.be/1rJHlFME480?si=H4t1ymTZIsP3zyUx

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