Martha Washington and Abigail Adams are arguably the most prominent women of the last quarter of the 18th century.

An Unlikely Friendship

The likelihood that Martha Washington (1731-1802) would even meet Abigail Adams (1744-1818) would have been considered remote in 1770. The distances alone were prohibitive. It could take at least two weeks of hard travel.

Martha Washington, née Dandridge-Custis of Virginia, was nearly fourteen years older than Abigail Adams, née Smith, from Massachusetts. The daughter of a gentleman planter of average pedigree, Martha was brought up to embody the domestic virtues of her generation of women. Her formal education was basic. Reading, writing and ciphering (basic arithmetic). As the oldest in a spread-out family of five surviving siblings, she focused on the necessities of managing a household, herbal gardening and “medicine,” child rearing, supervising servants, and of course, the arts of cooking and handiwork.

Abigail Smith Adams was the second daughter of a Congregational minister and his wife, whose distaff “Quincy” pedigree was considered far superior to a mere clergyman. Despite the family’s lack of material wealth, education played an important role. Abigail and her two sisters were permitted access to their father’s considerable library. She made use of the privilege, and was always a voracious reader. Nevertheless, she also learned the womanly skills of hands-on household management.

When she married John Adams, an attorney nine years her senior, she was barely 20, but he had been attracted to her wit and intelligence years earlier, when she since she was far too young for the courtship that began in earnest when was she was 18. 

By Reputation Only…

When shots were fired at Lexington Concord in April 1775, ex-Colonel and now wealthy planter George Washington was appointed by the Continental Congress to take command of its fledgling army – in Massachusetts. There is documented evidence that GW paid a courtesy call on Abigail Adams, and spent a pleasant hour at tea and conversation. The General offered to include Mrs. A’s letters to her Congressional-representative husband in his official correspondence packet.

The likelihood is strong that he may have mentioned that occasion to Mrs. Washington – along with some complimentary words concerning Mrs. Adams. 

In December, 1775, Martha Washington traveled to be with the “General” in Massachusetts, and stayed for several months. While she had become acquainted with Mrs. Adams by reputation, there is no indication that any personal meeting or correspondence took place at that time. 

Fast Forward Fifteen Years

In the mid 1780s, John Adams, who had been representing the new “USA” in Paris, Holland, etc., finally sent for his wife. Abigail, with serious trepidation of ocean travel, bit the dreaded bullet, and joined him abroad. They stayed for the better of 5 years, which made a huge impression on a 40-year-old woman who had never been farther than Boston in her life.

By the end of the decade, many events had transpired, not the least being John Adams’ election as Vice President of that very new “USA,” whose seat was temporarily situated in New York City. By mid-1789, the Adamses, along with President Washington and family, were new NY residents. The two women finally met in person.

Neither Lady Washington (an unofficial title) nor her husband had experience with diplomatic protocol, but since they were both in their late 50s, erring on the side of formality seemed far better than familiarity.

Thus when Lady W. Began hosting her regular “levees” and receptions, Abigail Adams attended every two weeks and had a permanent invitation, and a seat on her right. They exchanged visits and dinners. Their grandchildren played together. They took pleasant excursions together. The friendship continued even after the temporary capital moved to Philadelphia. And when health, family matters or governmental calendars precluded face-to-face conversation, a warm, albeit sporadic correspondence kept them in touch.

The Gift and Gist of the Friendship 

Martha Washington was not politically inclined, nor was politics and government considered suitable for feminine conversation – and certainly not at that high level. (Abigail also had other more intellectually minded correspondents to fill those needs.)

While the First and Second Ladies had occasions to converse privately, and possibly exchange mild opinions about events and participants of the 1790s, most of their conversations – and definitely their limited correspondence (usually written in the third person) – centered on their commonalities. Home. Family. Children. Weather. Grandchildren. (Martha, who had lost all four of her children, was now raising two young grandchildren. Abigail was also a grandmother.)

Health, whether their own or that of their family/friends, played a key topic in their correspondence. In those days, poor health was practically synonymous with “will of God,” and a fearful situation.

But perhaps the most important document in their correspondence was when George and Martha Washington retired to Mount Vernon in 1797, and John and Abigail Adams became President and Mrs. Adams…

Abigail was seeking advice, and was somewhat intimidated at the universal acclaim given to Martha Washington as FLOTUS. She admitted that her mind was filled “with an anxious Solicitude least [sic] she should fall far short of her most amiable predecessor…”

Martha replied, noting that while she was flattered, “…with in [sic] yourself you possess a guide more certain than any I can give…the good sence [sic] and judgement for which you are distinguished…

But in the limited amount of extant correspondence between the two women, one thing is certain: they enjoyed a happy regard and esteem for each other, considering the other to be their true friend.

Abigail Adams, correspondent to a wide range of recipients, referred to Martha Washington by saying when she said they lived “in habits of friendship and intimacy.”

Sources:

Brady, Patricia – Martha Washington: An American Life, Viking, 2005

Levin, Phyllis Lee – Abigail Adams – St. Martin’s Press, 1987

https://www.whitehousehistory.org/rules-of-engagement

http://www.Washington papers.org

http://masshist.org