It's a pity about that faux pas with Ed Davey, but at least we know who to thank for that much-demolished representation of the Blue Wall.

Mounted elves and vegans

Naturally, I took command of the nearest committee room and rallied the troops. I had no cavalry at my command, but was able to commandeer some bicycles and routed the Conservatives – I shall employ Mounted Elves and vegans at every by-election in future whatever the ALDC says.

I bade farewell to Elvis, who had to return to Rockingham Forest on urgent business, and hurried to the count. Who should I meet there but Ed Davey? “What are you doing with yourself  these days?” I asked, only to sense a certain froideur in his reply. 

Still, we had a chinwag and I suggested that, in the event of a Liberal Democrat victory, it might be a good idea to have himself photographed knocking down a wall of blue bricks with a hammer.