By Abda Khan
Here in the UK, domestic Abuse is rife. In England and Wales for example, the police receive a domestic-abuse related call every 30 seconds.
However, the reality is much deeper.
With only 24% of cases of abuse are reported to the police, we know that more and more people (of all genders) are suffering.
There is, however, a massive gender disparity, with 84% of victims identifying as female and 93% of perpetrators identifying as male.
Domestic abuse tears apart lives, with long term – even deadly – consequences.
For example, affected women are twice as likely to face depression and homelessness.
What’s more, on average two women a week are killed by a current or former partner in England and Wales. And it doesn’t end there.
An estimated further three women a week die by suicide as a result of domestic abuse.
Domestic abuse however comes in many diverse forms, which we need to be able to identify and report.
Domestic abuse: what is it?
By raising awareness of domestic abuse, we can increase understanding amongst survivors and their friends and family.
And, we can critically encourage survivors to come forward.
We can then work towards ending the abuse more quickly, increasing police referrals and subsequently upping conviction rates. It’s not an easy process though.
On average, it takes a woman seven attempts to leave an abusive partner for good.
With abuse often psychological, as well as physical, the damage can be deep-seated, affecting a survivor’s confidence and even causing them to doubt the severity of the situation.
Abuse can often seem invisible and multi-faceted. But what does it look like?
Well, it can be:
- Economic: controlling/denying access to money
- Sexual: physically forcing or manipulating/coercing a partner to enage in sexual activites
- Physical: including hitting, throwing, punching, pulling hair, shoving and burning
- Psychological (emotional/mental): verbal abuse such as name-calling, blaming and shaming, isolation, intimidation, coercive and controlling behaviour, threatening or manipulating a partner and/or ‘gas-lighting’ them
- Spritual: foribbding a person from following their faith e.g. praying or enforcing religious practices
The abuse could be taking place in the house or, for example, remotely through the use of technology.
Abuse could include harassment, stalking, Female Genital Mutilation (FGM) and other forms of “honour” abuse.
Critically it may present as one-off or ongoing behaviour repeated over time.
A partner might be sending abusive texts, accessing their partners’ devices, tracking their partner or sharing intimate images online (including revenge porn).
Whatever the form though, it’s designed to exert power and control. And it’s both morally wrong – and illegal here in the UK.
Each case is unique and it’s important that we learn to understand what it is, and how to support survivors.
Gaslighting: breaking the confusion
A term we’re increasingly hearing more of – but which is often never heard of or misunderstood – is “gaslighting”.
So, what is it?
Well, gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse, where the victim is led to doubt their own judgement and perception of reality through the abuser’s repeated denials, deflections and lies.
The term was first used in the 1944 film Gaslight, starring Ingrid Bergman and Charles Boyer.
However, this was in fact a remake of the 1940 British film of the same name, which in turn was based on the 1938 play Gas Light.
In this film, Paula is manipulated by her husband, Gregory, into believing she is insane.
Paula’s late aunt’s priceless jewels are hidden in the house: if Paula is declared insane and sent to an asylum, Gregory can search for the jewels in peace.
One of his main strategies in persuading Paula she is losing her mind is his manipulation of the gaslights in their home.
Whenever he sneaks off to the attic to search for the jewels, he switches on the lights in that part of the house: this leads all other lights to flicker and dim.
Upon returning to Paula, he denies all knowledge of this, leading her to question her sanity.
And that’s what makes Gaslighting so insidious.
Gaslighting can happen among colleagues, family members, intimate partners and friends. Yes, really.
For this blog, the focus is gaslighting within an intimate relationship. But the principles are the same.
Whoever the perpetrator, it’s abuse. And the key is: intention.
Take a look at the video for typical examples of what a gaslighter will say to manipulate their partner:
If you’re still unsure, here’s a quick check list:
- Patterns of behaviour: do they engage in these behaviours repeatedly over time?
- Context: this isn’t about denying a fact (e.g. in a court of law where someone may repeatedly deny facts) – this is in a personal relationship
- What is being denied: is someone denying your feelings? Are they denying an objective recollection of fact which you clearly recall, or a reality that is unambiguous (e.g., whether they hit you or not, whether they promised something or not)?
Denial could be about differences in personal recollections/memories, but here’s the crux: gaslighting is about deliberate intentional manipulation of another person.
Gaslighting isn’t about disagreeing.
No, it’s about deliberate repeated attempts to conceal/deny one’s behaviour and make the other person doubt their reality.
Behind the curtain: stories of abuse
A gaslighter knows exactly what they are doing. And that’s why they do it.
Their tactics include:
- Discrediting a person
- Lying and exaggerating
- Escalating things when challenged/confronted
- Masking as confident/assertive or showing fake compassion
- Changing the subject
- Minimaising/trivalising
- Denial and avoidance
- Twisting and reframing
They’ll lie and exaggerate to the other person, then repeat the abuse. When challenged, things will escalate.
They’ll continue in an attempt to wear out the victim, forming a co-dependent relationship.
Take a look at the stories of Julie, Angela and Deborah to see how their gaslighting partners tore apart their self-confidence.
The abuse these women suffered was ongoing, merciless and wicked.
Gaslighters may offer false hope, yet all the while, they’ll be dominating, overwhelming and controlling their partners.
It’s repeated mental cruelty.
And the effects?
Well, as gaslighting is meant to induce uncertainty and self-doubt, a survivor’s mental health may really suffer.
Survivors often experience (increased) anxiety or depression, with their sense of self-esteem shattered.
Domestic abuse can also result in Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), with a survivor becoming hypervigilant due to the fear of danger, or even suicidal.
The effects are mentally damaging – whilst not forgetting the risk of additional physical abuse.
It’s therefore critical that we raise awareness of what gaslighting is and how those affected can seek support.
Moving forward: seeking support
Together, we must recognise signs, look out for loved ones and know how and where to seek help.
If you’re worried about yourself or a loved one, look out for these signs:
- Self-doubt: do you frequently ask yourself if you’re too sensitive or if you’re good enough?
- Confusion: do you often feel confused or like you’re going crazy?
- Apologising: are you always apologising – and often without really knowing why?
- Unhappiness: do you struggle to understand why you aren’t happier?
- Excuses: do you often make excuses for your partner’s behaviour?
- Gut instinct: do you feel like something is wrong but you don’t know exactly what?
- Avoidance: have you started lying to avoid certain situations e.g. your partner putting you down?
- Decision fatigue/panic: do you have trouble making simple decisions?
Of course, some of these thoughts and feelings can also be symptomatic of general anxiety or depression (and relate to a whole other range of contexts).
But, here’s the key: if you don’t usually feel this way with other people but do with one particular individual, then you might be a victim of gaslighting.
And here’s how to seek support. Please do reach out to friends, family and support services.
If you’re being gaslit:
If you’re being gaslit by a partner, friend, family member or colleague, here’s how you can seek support:
1. Identify the problem
Recognising the problem is the first step.
Name what is going on if you feel you’re in a place to do so.
- Separate truth from distortion
In order to lessen the confusion and be sure of things in your own mind, try keeping a diary. This way you’ll have an accurate, up-to-date record of what was said/done and by whom.
Next, write down how you felt at the time. Look for signs of repeated denials of your experience.
- Talk to someone you trust
Reach out to a friend of family member to unburden your mind and make plans.
- Decide if you want to leave
The decision must be yours and yours alone. Help is out there if you do want to make this brave move.
2. Seek support from a specialist organisation
Contact a specialist service such as:
- Refuge/National Domestic Abuse Helpline (England)
- Domestic and Sexual Abuse Helpline (Northern Ireland)
- Domestic and Forced Marriage Helpline (Scotland)
- Live Fear Free (Wales)
- Respect (UK wide – for men)
- Bright Sky app
- Women’s Aid directory (regional)
- Ask for ANI (codeword)
- Safe Spaces
- HESTIA
- National Bullying Helpline
- ACAS (workplace abuse)
- NSPCC (children)
- Childline
If you’re ever in any physical danger, please dial 999 (UK residents) immediately to speak to the police.
If someone you know is being gaslit:
It can be incredibly hard to know how to support a loved one. Here’s how you can take that step.
Firstly, let them know you’ve noticed something is wrong.
If they do talk:
- Listen compassionately: don’t blame them. Acknowledge how strong they are for talking about the abuse in such a frightening and difficult situation
- Affirm the abuse: tell them what they are being subjected to is not normal but don’t tell them to leave the relationship if they’re not ready – that’s their decision. Support them but allow them to make their own decisions
- Check on their safety: ask if they have suffered physical harm – if so, offer to go with them to a hospital or doctor’s surgery
- Seek support: help them to report the abuse to the police if they want to. Provide information on organisations who can help or you make initial contact if that’s safer for your loved one
Gaslighting is more common than we realise, but this term and type of abuse is still so very much understood.
That’s why we need to raise as much awareness as possible.
Gaslighting is abuse – it’s wrong and it needs to stop. But if you or a loved one has been affected, it’s not the end – there is help out there.
So please, reach out for help, support loved ones and also share this blog far and wide – you never know who it may help.
About the author
Abda Khan is a lawyer turned writer and author.
She is author of the novels “Stained” (2016) and “Razia” (2019), having also recently published her debut poetry collection “Losing Battles, Winning Wars” (2023).
Abda writes commissioned pieces (short scripts, poetry, fiction and non-fiction) for various publications, organisations and projects. She also runs creative writing courses and workshops specialising in issues affecting women, and produces and directs a variety of creative projects.
Abda is a Desi Blitz Arts Ambassador, a Lloyds Bank Women of the Future Ambassador and was named British Muslim Woman of the Year in 2019.
