Turning 40! Well let me tell you, it is a big Deal. You think you are ready, but you aren't. You know it's just a number but yet, it weighs you down. You have been expecting it, planning for it even, but when it happens, you have to take a deep breath and fight hard to silence the one hundred thousand impulses that surge through you, drumming one hell of a scary beat.
It helped that I turned 40 under a beautiful Parisian sky. I wanted to mark this day in a special way and had planned this trip even though it wasn't really the best time (midweek, winter and a sick child). But the rest of my gang hardly needed any convincing. And since it involved missing a few days of school, it was, as you can imagine, met with even more excitement).
So yes we celebrated my birthday walking the streets of Paris, eating fantastic but much too expensive French cuisine, taking endless photographs, throwing a key into the river Seine, climbing the Eiffel tower and whispering a prayer of thanks at the Notre Dame cathedral. Save for one episode of slight discontent (where I played spoilt, childish birthday girl, not too happy about the dinner plans made- but later accepted it as the right choice and all was well), we did have a lot of fun and made it a vacation and birthday to remember.
So yes I turned 40 and though I knew that I had an abundance to be thankful for and to look forward to, in the next decade, my heart was heavy. No it wasn't that I was worried about growing older. Grey hair or sagging skin- that wasn't a concern. What was leaving me cold, was the fact that this next decade would only take away from me, much of what I considered most precious in my life. My children would leave home, my parents would grow older and I would have to deal with even perhaps losing them.
Now this is a new emotion for me. I am the cool one, the one who focuses on the now, the one who never worries about the maybes of tomorrow. I am the one who can spot a silver lining in the darkest of circumstances, who deals with tough times clinically, emotionless, because I know with certainty that every dark cloud passes. So I am not sure how to deal with this new weight. It’s unfamiliar.
I try to ignore it and instead focus on my amazing Thirties, the decade I truly matured, got the confidence to proudly wear my heart on my sleeve. It was the decade I learnt that even if I say no, I am not really going to be judged, or rather I couldn't care less if I was judged. I learnt not to feel embarrassed if I went against the norm. In fact I learnt that there is no norm, and that you do what you do, because it’s what works for you and what makes you happy.
In my thirties I stopped trying to please to make an impression. If something wore me down, I often stopped doing it. I grew stronger; more liberated. I climbed some pretty steep mountains, but I always came down smiling, tired and often bruised, but always smiling.
In my thirties I also learnt to be so much more thankful. Life can throw you such oddballs that honestly, I was thankful for every simple, stupid good thing that happened.
In my thirties I graduated from Mother of 2, to mother of 4. Every time I met someone new, they would be like, “Wow! 4 kids, how do you manage?” quickly followed by, “You don’t look like a mother of 4”. Ummmm, not sure what the mother of 4 prototype looks like, but anyway…I never found it hard to mother two more kids. Yes the house was untidier, we had to cook bigger meals, buy bigger cars, deal with more tantrums, vacation expenses doubled, but it was all worth it and I navigated my way through it all without losing my head.
In my thirties I learnt a whole lots of new things. I also began to write more ferociously and I held my head high and told people I was a writer. That felt good. I was happy, a happy wife, happy mother, happy daughter, happy friend, happy writer. Life was good.
Life is good. Yes I am 40 and life is good! They say that this is when the fun really begins!…well though I still can’t believe I just crossed this huge milestone, I think I am ready, ready for whatever adventures are ahead. That shroud, it’s still there hovering over me, but that pounding, its mellowing and I find that if I ignore it, it doesn't keep pushing its way into my sub conscience.
So I pull up my sleeves and get ready for the next ten years and all that it will bring… I anticipate lots of drama (four teenagers and their hormones J and my menopause), but I also know that it will be fun. As for the sadness and the heartaches, well what can one ever do to forestall those things, nothing! That’s life and life goes on…
Yes I am 40. I am young. I am happy. Life is good.
