I wanted to share a Song that chokes me up in a good way every time I hear it. I can't figure out exactly why it does, it just does.

It's called, "I'm Not Who I Was" by Brandon Heath. The YouTube link is here. It's not a great video by any means, but I love the song. The video is short on details, which I think is a good thing. The song is about a relationship from years ago and how the singer has changed and forgiven the other person for past hurts. The video doesn't give us any clues as to who he is singing about- it could be a parent, a friend, a girlfriend - we never really know. What we do know is he wants this person to know a few things that he has changed, learned some things about himself and that he really is OK now.

The song makes me think of so many things. In a very big way, it reminds me of my husband and his birth mother who he had little contact with since he was around 5, and has had no contact with for over 20 years. The story is a long one, and really not mine to tell, but Frank has amazed me with his capacity to get past the pain that something like that must have inflicted. He has never dwelled on it, isn't angry about it, but at the same time, he doesn't really understand it. (Even less so since we have had children.) I'm not sure if he is even as emotionally invested as the singer or would even dream saying the things the lyrics do. Frank is happy with the life he has now and is not concerned with that aspect of his past. It's a healthier attitude than the one I would have I think. So, anyway, the point of all that is, this is one of the things the song makes me think of.

The other thing I find interesting is to think about the statement, "I'm not who I was." My past has become part of my present very recently with old High School friends popping up on Facebook and my 25th Reunion coming up this June. In many ways, I feel that I have changed from the 16 year old girl I was then. And, in many ways, I feel like I am exactly the same.

There is a short hand with the people you know when you are a kid. Maybe it's the shared experiences, growing up in the same type of families, neighborhoods, going to the same school. I think another part of it is that when you bond with someone during your formative years - which sounds like such a goofy phrase, but really, those years are when you are becoming who you are - it's no small thing. I feel like the people who knew me then still know me now, regardless of how much I've changed.

I actually tend to think that I'm still who I was, but the years give you a different viewpoint from which to look at yourself self and others and the world. In some aspects of my life, I have always been confident and have remained so. Maybe I just needed the freedom to dare.

It's funny how the kids I went to school with who were sort of on the edges of my life remember me as "quiet" and "nice" and "smart". (I'm still trying to figure out if I was popular or not.) And while I hope my closest friends thought of me as nice and smart, I'm not sure "quiet" would be one of the first words they'd use to describe me. They are not surprised that I am a writer or even a comic. Could it be that at our core we are still the same?

In the end though, the song is really about forgiveness and moving on. It's about extending grace to people, even people that may not deserve it, because that's how you heal. And because sometimes, you will need grace extended to you.

There has been talk among the high school friends, we say things like, "If I knew then what I know now..." or "Don't you wish you could go back with your 40 year old mind and attitude?" Sometimes. It might be fun a few days. But I don't want a "do-over." The truth is - good times, bad times, mistakes, triumphs and everything in between - I wouldn't be who I am if I wasn't who I was.