Do you have a Highly Sensitive Toddler who hits, bites, pushes, and kicks others?

In this article, you’ll learn:

My toddler’s behavior changed around the age of two and a half. It was as though somebody had flipped a switch in his brain.

Though we had a strong connection, he started to be aggressive toward the daycare children and me. He would hit me out of anger and scream after being told “no.” Also, he would push and pinch kids seemingly out of nowhere.

I could see that spending most of his day at daycare overwhelmed him. But then again, many toddlers attend daycare and don’t struggle with behavior issues.

Although I was aware that toddlers sometimes hit and bite, I still felt that my son was more aggressive than others.

I worried that I wasn’t the mom he needed me to be or that something was wrong with him. I didn’t know how to handle it anymore. What had gone wrong?

Then I had my lightbulb moment. My son checked all the criteria for high sensitivity. He had been an extremely fussy baby who slept poorly and was extremely attached to me. He wasn’t as independent as other kids when around new people and relatives we had not seen in a long time or when we visited new places. And he had difficulty accepting that things did not always go as planned. Instead, he was content and sweet when we followed his routine.

High sensitivity is linked to a higher risk of depression and anxiety in adults, so we had to help our son as soon as possible to prevent his behavior from becoming a long-term mental health problem.

First, we had to identify the main triggers. Here is what we found out.

Why are some toddlers more aggressive than others?

Toddlers misbehave when overwhelmed by challenging situations or uncomfortable emotions such as anger and fear. Unfortunately, that happens often, as many toddlers struggle with basic conversation and emotion regulation skills.

According to studies, toddlers aged 6 to 24 months show aggressive behavior more than twice a week. Hitting and throwing peak at about 18-20 months. Also, they are the most common aggressive behaviors among toddlers up to two years. Additionally, another study showed that physical aggression peaks between two and four years, regardless of gender.

1. Temperament

Highly sensitive, fearful, and inflexible children get into a fight, flight or freeze mode more easily. Introvert toddlers may react with a “freeze” response – they want to leave the playground when another child takes their toy, and they may dislike overstimulating and crowded places, like birthday parties or daycare. Others, who are more active and impulsive, hit, bite, push and become defiant when they feel overwhelmed.

Sensitive children tend to have a more inflexible thinking pattern which can lead to outbursts and aggressive behavior. For instance, imagine your toddler playing with a toy, and then you suddenly inform them that it’s time to leave. They might have an outburst and throw the toy at you because they had set their mind on playing and can’t switch to another mindset immediately.

2. Sensory overstimulation

Very sensitive children often find sensory stimuli like unexpected touch, loud sounds, strong scents, bright lights, and closeness to other people more overpowering and disturbing. Toddlers, however, are too young to tell us precisely what disturbs them. Instead, they react based on their emotions. And it’s difficult for them to regulate those strong emotions.

In addition, even mainstream toddlers are very reactive to their environments, let alone deeply feeling children.

3. Level of development

We typically overestimate children’s cognitive abilities while underestimating their physical skills. As a result, we tend to expect little children to control their impulses as well as adults. But think about how life feels for a toddler who has been on this planet for less than three years.

Toddlers explore the world by using their senses. They can go into overdrive occasionally, which may result in an outburst. In addition, during toddlerhood, kids realize that they have their own will, separate from their caregivers, and this newfound independence must be thrilling.

Also, toddlers don’t fully understand what happens around them. Not being able to control the outcome can make them feel anxious and retaliate.

And most importantly, young children are so egocentric that they believe other people can read their minds. So, think how upsetting and confusing it is for them when others don’t seem to listen.

Not to mention, toddlers’ limited language plays a massive role in hitting, kicking, and biting. Aggressive behavior usually peaks around one and a half and two –  at this age, toddlers have strong feelings but can still not express them through words effectively.

Moreover, the speed of development varies among children. Because of this, toddlers of the same age might exhibit a wide range of cognitive skills, like attention and language skills.  

4. Scary past experiences

Stressful experiences, like scary medical procedures, traumatic birth, or extended separation from parents, can make children enter a state of hypervigilance. Their stress response is always on, so their nervous system is in a raw and highly reactive state. As a result, these children are less able to regulate and are more prone to challenging behavior. If your toddler’s behavior prevents them from exploring the world around them and having healthy relationships, please consult a specialist.

More often than not, toddler aggression is normal and decreases by five. However, sensitive children tend to have more emotion regulation problems than mainstream kids. So, as parents, we need to learn early on how to handle challenging behavior effectively.

How to help your highly sensitive toddler when they hit

1. Remove your toddler from the situation

Removing your child from the situation is helpful because you prevent anyone from getting hurt, and your child can take a break. Use a warm tone and as few words as possible because your toddler can’t think logically when big emotions flood their brain. For instance, try to say, “I won’t let you bite” or “When you push other children, you can’t play with them anymore” in the same soft tone as you would say, “Let me do that for you.” Hold your toddler in a bear hug if necessary, and be kind but firm.

Then, find a quiet and safe space where your toddler can let all their anger out without hurting anyone else. Try to offer your support, and don’t leave them alone because they are too young to handle big feelings. Brace yourself for tears and screaming as your child releases their frustration. If you find it hard, think that your toddler “doesn’t know yet” how to regulate, and they “aren’t there yet,” but that doesn’t mean anything is wrong with them or your parenting.

You can even create a “cozy corner” where your toddler can decompress at home. It might have some pillows, stuffed animals, music, books, and sensory toys. Have your child participate in the design process. The more they feel they have a say in it, the more inclined they will be to use it.

2. Distract your highly sensitive toddler

Toddlers cannot refrain from hitting, then take a deep breath, and reflect, “Wow, I hit Mikey. I’m sorry, Mikey. I shouldn’t have hit you.” Self-reflection is challenging even for preschoolers.

That’s why distraction is a more age-appropriate way of handling the situation. As long as you are not using sweet snacks, distraction benefits everyone involved because it’s an effective way to prevent conflict escalation.

You might try to dive into your “silly mode” and use laughter and jokes to distract your kid. Being funny is a reaction your child isn’t expecting.

3. Stay calm

Keeping calm is challenging because most of us have years of repressed emotions that boil up when our kids get physically aggressive. Moreover, it’s counterintuitive to remain calm when there’s hitting and biting because the perceived danger activates our stress response.

However, you can become a calm and safe presence by learning this simple grounding exercise: instead of snapping and shaming, take a deep breath and start naming (in your mind) objects that you see around you (like a chair, a laptop, pillows, your child’s sneakers, the couch, etc.). Naming objects activates the left hemisphere of your brain, which is the logical thinking part.

Another thing that can help you remain calm is realizing that toddlers’ acts of aggression are not vengeful or intentional (“aggressive” is not “mean”), and they are not a sign that you are doing something wrong.

In fact, your toddler’s misbehavior is the best opportunity for you to model regulation.

Related: How to Apologize to Your Highly Sensitive Child When You Say Things in Anger

4. Validate your highly sensitive toddler

Typically recommended language with toddlers (“You’re feeling angry right now, I can hear you”) can escalate a highly sensitive toddler’s reaction. Though they want to feel understood, highly sensitive toddlers may reject your loving attention.

If that happens and your toddler is verbal, we suggest you apply these tips:

• Start by saying, “Tell me what happened,” even if you already know
• Acknowledge what they wanted (“You wanted the red ball, and Mike took it.”)
• Use a “yes, and” approach (“Yes, he took the ball from you. And then what else happened?”). This tactic encourages your child to recall what happened, activating the brain’s rational side. Moreover, it shows your toddler that you are curious and want to help them.
• If your child says, “I want to kick her,” you can say in a neutral tone, “Hmm, no one likes hitting. I wonder what else you can do”.
• Ask them if they want a hug after they have calmed down. Or hug them anytime they ask for one.

If your toddler is not verbal yet:

• Help them tell you what happened (“You wanted the toy. You were mad at Mickey for taking it, and you bit him.”).
• Ask questions to encourage them to use words (“Am I right?”)
• Ask how you can help (“How can I help you feel better?”). Try to make suggestions like, “Do you want a hug?”
• Give space if they ask, and reassure them that you are there (“Okay, I see that you don’t want a hug. That’s okay. I’ll be here if you need my help.”)

5. Have the calm talk if your highly sensitive toddler is older (2-3 years)

Retell the story to help your toddler become aware of their behavior: “After you pulled Ava’s hair, she started to cry. It hurt her. She felt upset. She didn’t want to play with you anymore, and that upset you”.

Think of choices. “If Ava takes the unicorn you’re playing with, what could you do besides pulling her hair?” If your toddler doesn’t answer anything (this is very common), you can come up with ideas like asking the other kid to give it back, offering something in exchange, playing in turns, or asking for another toy. If your toddler is verbal, you can even teach them some short scripts (“That is my unicorn. I want it back please”, or “I want my toy back please. I can give you this one in exchange.”)

6. Journal your child’s behavior and your reactions

Where does your toddler start hitting? Home? Daycare? Or is it happening anywhere?

Suppose it is only happening in one setting. Could something about that environment (i.e., too crowded, bright, rules that your toddler is yet unable to understand) trigger the behavior?

When does your toddler hit? For example, right before bedtime, when your child is tired? Before a transition, like in the morning before daycare, when you have to leave the park?

Who? Is your toddler aggressive with just one person, with children but not with adults, or vice versa?

What happened right before your child became aggressive? For example, had another kid just snatched a toy from your child? Was it part of a chain of reactions (the teacher enforced a rule, your child refused, she gave him a time-out, and then your toddler became aggressive)?

Recent changes and significant transitions. Has a recent change disturbed your child and made them feel unsafe or out of control? For example: changing daycare, parents’ separation, losing a pet, moving to another home, a new sibling?  

Analyze your reactions. How do you react to your toddler’s aggression? What strategies have worked on your child? What methods have you tried and don’t work?

Related: The 8 Biggest Challenges Highly Sensitive Children Face and How To Overcome Them

What to avoid

1. Avoid shaming, blaming, and dismissing your highly sensitive toddler

Sometimes, you may need to impose limits and consequences to reduce toddler aggression. You know your child best.

However, try to avoid belittling, ignoring, or blaming your child when you impose a consequence. Those reactions can only hurt their self-esteem and make them even more defiant.

Also, avoid ongoing lecturing after the aggressive behavior has stopped. Responding with kindness and showing you want to help, not shame, is much more likely to reduce unwanted behavior (“You will remember not to push others when you grow older. In the meantime, ask me for help when you feel like hurting others.”)

2. Avoid consequences that rely too much on your toddler’s self-control

Giving repeated warnings is ineffective when toddlers hit others because they usually can’t control their impulses. So, instead of “If you hit your sister one more time, then I’m going to take your toy,” say, “If you hit again, I will give you a bear hug to stop you from hurting your sister.” Then, keep your promise. The longer between a behavior and a consequence, the less effective it will be.

Always following your promise will help your toddler understand hurting others is never allowed.  

When to start worrying about aggressive behavior

High sensitivity is a neutral character trait. However, if your toddler’s behavior prevents them from exploring the world around them and having healthy relationships, please consult a specialist.

Some highly sensitive children have sensory processing problems. For example, they might be sensory seekers and engage in reckless behavior if they seek vestibular or proprioceptive input (is your child “a daredevil” on the playground?). Alternatively, if they crave touch, they might get too into other children’s personal space and upset them, which can trigger a fight. Or they might be very sensitive to noise and become aggressive when sudden or specific noises bother them. These behaviors warrant medical attention if they happen for a prolonged time.

It’s age appropriate for toddlers to hit when they don’t get their way, especially with other kids their age. None of them have the communication skills or impulse control to do the right thing. However, frequent unprovoked hitting is a sign of a problem requiring medical help.

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