Honesty and communication is a vital part of maintaining a healthy relationship. And its perhaps even more important when it comes to having children.

You need to be able to keep your relationship strong and happy when you have kids, and you need to be able to be open with your Partner, whether it's the fun questions or serious questions. Some couples fall foul of having a child with someone early on in the relationship, with someone they don't really know. It can not only make it harder to be a parent, but harder to maintain your relationship together.

We all know how amazing it feels to have those long, deep conversations through the night with a new partner. But some couples tend to have those meaningful conversations less and less as their relationship grows older. It's important to keep having those talks as the years pass.

But how do you know if you want to have children with with person? How do you know if either of you are truly ready to have kids? If you already have a child, is it what you expected? Are you ready for another one? How many is too many?

In some cases, the answer to the questions might be red flags in your eyes. You might think 'I definitely don't want to have children with someone who thinks that way'. In other cases,

These deep questions to ask your girlfriend, wife or partner, will help you to understand all this and more. And although these are questions to ask your partner, they're great conversation starters and something you should consider the answer to, as well. 

Why is it important to ask your girlfriend deep questions before you have a baby?

Having a baby with someone binds you together forever. Regardless of whether or not you get married, have more children, separate later down the line or never even enter a relationship, once you have a baby with someone, you have an unbreakable connection with that person for the rest of your lives.

When you think about it like that, having a baby with someone is definitely not something to be taken lightly.

The best relationship advice on the internet always references honesty and communication as the foundations of a strong relationship. And you certainly need a strong foundation in order to raise a baby together.

The last thing you want to happen is to have a baby with someone, only to learn that your cultural or religious beliefs are polar opposites, or that they've cheated on multiple partners in previous relationships. Or on the lighter side, find out that their favourite movie is something you hate...!

Although you don't have to agree on everything, it's generally better to be on the same page as your partner when it comes to parenting.

Deep questions to ask your girlfriend or partner before you decide to have kids

We're not foolish, we realise that not every couple gets to have these conversations. Accidents, or should we say "surprises" do happen and babies aren't always planned. But if you are in a stable relationship where you're starting to talk about having kids, these questions are a good starting point.

1. Why do you want to be a parent?

It may seem such a simple question, but it carries a lot of weight in determining whether or not you want to have a baby with someone, and even if that person is ready.

2. How do you define commitment?

This is another big question in determining whether or not you want to have children with someone. Their answer may or may not give you a good idea that their commitment to you and the baby will be unwavering.

3. What is your biggest fear about becoming a parent?

Identifying and recognising our fears can help us to work to overcome them. For example, if your partner is worried that she won't love the baby when its born, you can both take steps to build a bond before the birth. Something like book reading during pregnancy is great for that!

Or, perhaps she's struggled with her mental health in the past and is fearful that it won't allow her to be the best possible mother when the baby comes. In that case, you can support her to manage her mental health effectively.

4. How would you define success for our child as a parent?

If one parent's idea of success is health and happiness, and the other parent's is fame and fortune, it's likely you're going to have two very conflicting ways of raising a child. Now, different parenting styles isn't a bad thing, but when the core values are at odds with each other, you may have a problem.

5. Would you ever spank our child?

A regular feature of parenting in previous generations, there has been a growing debate about the morality of spanking or smacking your child as punishment in recent years, with plenty of calls to ban it completely. It's a highly divisive topic, so it's good to know which side your partner sits on.

6. Tell me about your childhood

Our own childhood often influences how we live our lives and the parents we become, for better or worse. For example, someone who was raised by a strict, shouty parent may become a strict, shouty parent themselves because that's all they've ever known. Or, they may be conscious of that and do their best to go in the opposite direction.

7. Why did your last relationship end?

You may well have already had this conversation before talking about having kids together, but it's still good an understand why their last relationship ended.

8. Is there any part of your/our lifestyle that you wouldn't be willing to give up when we have children?

Becoming a parent does restrict your free will, both time and financially. While it's important to have time to yourself, the reality is that you won't have the time or money to do all the things you do now. If you're not willing to give up weekly nights out with friends or expensive spa days, some people might look at that and think you're not ready to have children yet.

9. Is there anything on your bucket list that you want to tick off before we have children?

This follows on from the previous question. Some parents look back and regret not doing more before they started having children. Maybe it's travelling or reaching a certain point in their career, or even giving up their dream wedding in order to have kids first.

Ask your girlfriend if there's anything from her bucket list that she wants (or maybe feels she needs) to do before having a child. You might have to fork out for that dream wedding before starting your family...!

10. Will the sex of the baby have any significance to you? Will you treat the child any differently?

Some people are desperate to have a baby of a certain sex, for whatever reason. And unfortunately, some people treat their children differently if they don't fulfil those hopes. It's good to know if your partner has a strong preference for the sex of the baby and how strong that preference is.

Deep questions to ask your partner during pregnancy

The deed is done and baby is on the way. But nine months is a long time to wait, and there's plenty of questions to be asked.

11. Are you a night owl or an early bird?

You probably know the answer to this question by now, but it's good to check in on it during pregnancy so that you can try to plan a bit of a routine for the first few weeks of your baby being here.

If she's a night owl, it probably makes sense for you to do some of the early morning wake-ups. And on the flip side, if she's an early bird you could stay up a bit later with the baby so she can get some sleep.

12. How will a reduced sex life impact our relationship?

It's widely accepted that sex is an important part of relationships, and a sustained lack of sex will often see a relationship end. It's inevitable that you'll be having less sex when the baby comes (especially in the first few weeks) but it's a good idea to ask your girlfriend or partner how she thinks that will impact your relationship.

Sex may not be a significant driver in your relationship, or, you might need to find a way to replace that intimacy (at least in the short-term).

13. What are you ideal indoor or outdoor activities to do as a family?

This question not only helps you to visualise your future as a family, but also generates quite a bit of excitement as you think about the first time you go to the farm or watch your family favourite movie together.

14. What are your thoughts on genetic testing? And would abnormalities change your view on the pregnancy?

Pregnant women are offered tests to identify the chances of your baby having a number of conditions, including Down's syndrome, Edwards syndrome, Patau's syndrome, sickle cell disease and thalassaemia.

It's an optional two-stage process. First is a screening test which tells you the chances of your baby having a condition. Second is an optional diagnostic test which gives a definitive answer. The diagnostic tests do carry an risk of miscarriage (1 in 200), so it's a decision that must not be taken lightly.

Some people prefer to find out so that they can better prepare themselves for life parenting a child with one of these conditions, while some choose to abort the pregnancy if they baby has a condition.

It's certainly better to know where you both stand on this matter as early as possible in the pregnancy.

You can find more information on prenatal genetic tests here.

15. I get offered my dream job that will put us in a very strong financial position. Do you encourage me to accept it, or urge me to stay where I am?

Does becoming a parent mean making every sacrifice, including giving up our dream job? Or should we retain some individuality and continue to chase our dreams even though we have children?

It's something a lot of couples battle as they become parents and their children get older.

16.What would you consider to be spoiling our child?

'I want to shower our child with love and gifts. I don't want my child to go through life wanting for anything.'

'I want our child to learn the value of things. I want them to learn to earn things in life.'

See how this might cause issues later down the line?

17. How do you think we'll be spending quality time together as a couple when our baby is born?

A lot of parents expect to have less time together, but the reality can be tougher than you imagined. You're so exhausted but want to be spending time with each other to keep your relationship strong and happy. How are you going to spend quality time together?

Deep questions to ask your girlfriend or partner in the months after birth

The baby is here and you're adapting to life as a dad and your new family of three.

18. What have you found harder than expected?

No matter how many books you read or videos you watch, nothing can truly prepare you for what it's like to become a parent. Inevitably, some things are going to be harder than you expected them to be. If you ask your girlfriend or partner what it proving more difficult than she thought, you can identify ways to help and support her.

19. What have you found easier than expected?

On the brighter side, some things aren't as hard as you expect them to be. Talking about what your partner has found easier than expected is a great way of focusing on the positive and boosting confidence.

20. How is your mental health?

Both men and women can experience postpartum depression in the weeks and months after having a baby. This is one of those serious questions that definitely needs to be asked as you adapt to life as a parent.

21. Is our sex life where you want it to be? And if not, what would you change?

Talking about sex after birth can definitely feel awkward. You want your partner to feel sexy and know you're still attracted to her, but you equally don't want her to feel pressured when she's still recovering from birth. The truth is that it can take a long time for life in the bedroom to return to what it was.

This question shows that her comfort and needs are on your mind, rather than your own. And the answer might be something as simple as having sex more often, or it might a more adventurous thing like trying different sex positions, dirty talk or asking more romantic questions.

22. What has been the weirdest thing about becoming a parent?

Sometimes being a parent is just bizarre. You'll do things you never thought you'd do - heck, you'll do things you never even knew existed. You'll laugh, you'll smile, you'll cry, you'll scream. Spending some time after you've put the baby to bed thinking about the weirdest parts of parenting life is sure to start a few laughs.

23. How do you define success for yourself, now that you're a parent?

Perhaps you went through your teenage and adult years thinking that success for you would be a six-figure salary, big house, nice car, nice clothes, good holidays etc. But becoming a parent can change what you view as success for yourself, even if you do manage to achieve those things you had in mind when you were younger.

24. Friends of ours are thinking about having a baby and ask us what it's like being a parent. How do you answer them?

This is arguably more of a summary of the first two questions in this section. But it's a great way of getting you to think honestly and objectively about what it's been like so far to have a baby, and the impact it's had on your life.

Questions to ask your girlfriend or partner before you try for baby no.2

Your a couple of years into being parents and you've got the hang of it. You've probably been fending off questions about 'when you're going to have another one', possibly since your first was born. But now, you feel ready to make your family a little bigger.

25. How do you think our first baby will cope with having a younger sibling?

How our first child is going to react and cope with a baby brother or sister is probably our biggest fear as parents when we decide to have another baby. Will they be upset? Will they think that we don't love them anymore? Will they get jealous and start acting up? Or will they be loving and nurturing?

26. How do you think you will cope with the every day stresses we have, as well as having a new baby?

The day-to-day of being a parent is hard. You wake up, feed them, dress them, get yourself ready, get them to school or nursery, do your own commute to work, work all day, pick them up, feed them, bathe them, put them to bed, feed yourself, do your household chores and get ready for the next day. And that's even taking into consideration self care or spending time with each other!

Now, ask your girlfriend or partner how she thinks she will honestly cope with all that with a new baby along for the ride.

27. What is the best relationship advice you would give to us?

Sometimes giving yourself a fresh perspective, looking at your relationship from the outside, is all you need to recognise what you do well together, and where you could improve.

28. My job requires me to travel a lot for work, maybe weeks at a time. How would we manage a long distance relationship?

Whether it's going for a new job, getting a promotion, or a total change of career - things like this can be sprung on a family unexpectedly.

Deep questions to ask your partner during pregnancy no.2

Baby no.2 is now officially on the way and it's time to start preparing for life as a family of four!

29. How can we prepare our first born for the birth of their sibling?

It's really hard to prepare your little one for having a sibling - whether it's the fact that Mummy and Daddy won't always be able to play with them because they need to feed the baby or put the baby to sleep or change the baby, or it's the fact that in a few years they'll need to share their toys.

You probably won't come up with the answer right away. But this question will start you on the right path.

30. What is the best compliment I could pay you right now?

This may sound a little silly, but this question shows you're trying to be aware of how your partner is feeling right now. If she's feeling like she's losing her identity and any sense of personal life, telling her she's 'the best mother in the world' might not be the best compliment you can give right now.

31. What are my strengths as a dad?

Just like during the first pregnancy, plenty of dads have a bit of a crisis over their parenting abilities. 'Am I good enough to raise two children?', 'How am I going to manage?' etc.

Spending some time reflecting on what you do well will give you a much-needed confidence boost before the second child arrives.

32. What are my weaknesses as a dad?

Asking this question shows that you want to grow as a dad. Even if you're a great dad, no one is perfect and there's always room to improve. And who better to help you identify your weaknesses that the person going through this journey with you? Ask your girlfriend where your parenting could improve, and don't forget to encourage her to be honest.

33. What's your guilty pleasure as a parent?

I'll be honest, mine is Frozen. Hated it when it first came out. Everyone, everywhere singing Let It Go. Now that I've watched it, I love nothing more than putting the soundtrack on in the car and singing away with the kids.

You're going to develop a guilty pleasure or two in becoming a parent. This is one of those fun questions that helps you to let your hair down and have a laugh at yourself.

Deep questions to ask your girlfriend or partner in the months and years after baby no.2

Your first child is really starting to grow up now and you're settled into life with two children. It's time to ask your girlfriend or partner some of these fun questions.

34. How well are we balancing our time and attention between our children?

This is the thing all parents worry about when baby no.2 arrives. And they probably continue to worry about that for a good few years at least.

35. Has the way you love me changed since we became parents?

A lot of parents say that their love for the partner grows in ways they never imagined. Seeing them as a parent often elevates their affection, appreciation and admiration, which can deepen the bond and connection between them. Ask your girlfriend or partner if that's happened for her.

36. Are you happy?

Sometimes we need to take a pause from the hamster wheel of life and consider if we're happy in our lives.

37. Do you feel heard in our relationship?

Another question that shows your willingness to better yourself, but as a boyfriend/husband/partner, this time. Your partner should feel heard in her needs and wants, as a mother, as a partner and as an individual.

38. What is your ideal date night?

It's probably been several years since your first date, and there's no doubt that your vision of a perfect date is very different from what is was back then.

39. What do you love most about yourself?

Going from one to two children is tough. You no longer outnumber them and this is when a lot of parents say they start to lose their identity. Struggling with the day-to-day stresses of life and losing confidence in your abilities as a parent, all while losing your own sense of identity. It's hard.

This question will help your partner with self-esteem and confidence.

40. What is the most interesting thing about raising children?

This is a great chance to get quite philosophical about parenting and raising children.

41. Are you still attracted to me?

I get it, it can feel super awkward and vain to ask your girlfriend if she still finds you attractive, but at this point in your relationship, it's definitely a consideration a lot of people have. You've been together so long now that you wonder if that spark is still there. Maybe you look in the mirror and think you've let yourself go a bit. You don't take care of yourself and parenting has led to a few extra lbs around the waist. You're wondering how you still have a woman like her...

Deep questions to ask your partner before any more children

You might be settled with two children, or you might yearn for a bigger family. Either way, you should definitely ask your partner these questions when you're talking about having another baby.

42. Why do we want more children?

It may sound crazy, but some couples have another baby because they're struggling to come to terms with the fact that their other children are getting older or even that they themselves are getting older. Other couples have another baby because they think it will solve their relationship issues.

If you're considering having more children, you need to be sure you're doing it for the right reasons.

43. Is our house and car big enough?

Going from two to three children often requires parents to make some fairly significant changes. Many parents realise that they need to move house or get a bigger car in order to comfortably add another member to the family.

44. What lifestyle changes do we need to make?

Having another baby inevitably adds more expense to the household budget. Sure, the first two kids might be out of nursery now but now you've got school lunches, hobbies and clubs to pay for. You may find that you need to cut back in some areas to be able to afford having another baby.

Which leads on to...

45. Are we willing to cut back on our lifestyle?

Maybe it's an annual family holiday, or the monthly family day trips, or your favourite hobby, or a streaming service the kids love, maybe even the kids clubs and activities. Whichever areas you feel you might be able to cut back on, are you and your partner willing to make those cuts in order to have another baby?

Deep questions to ask your girlfriend or partner when the kids are grown up

The kids are grown up. They might be teenagers finding their independence and exploring their freedom, or they may be fully grown adults embarking on their own lives out of the family home. Who knows, they may even be about to have children of their own!

46. Looking back on how we define success for our kids, did we do a good job?

This is potentially a bit of a dangerous question, because you may look at it and think 'No, we didn't do a good job by our own definition of success'. That could lead to a lot of feelings of regret and despair. However, if that is the case, you could use this as an opportunity to try to make amends now.

47. What advice would you give your younger self about parenting?

This is not only a great way to reflect on your journey as a parent, but also generates some great advice to pass onto your kids when they become parents themselves.

48. What is your favourite childhood memory for each of the kids?

Who doesn't love a good reminisce? It's a good excuse to get some photo albums out, too!

49. Has having children had a positive influence on your life?

This is similar to question 46, but putting the focus on the impact your children have had on your life, rather than the impact you've had on their lives. It's a really interesting one that gets you to think about your life so far.

50. Thinking back to our first date, did you think we'd be here now?

This might turn out to be one of those funny questions where total honesty breaks out.

I asked my wife this question and she said "Hell no. I wasn't looking for anything serious on our first date. Now we've owned a house for 10 years, and we're married with two kids and two dogs!"

FAQs

How do I start a deep conversation with my partner?

It's not always easy to start deep and meaningful discussions with someone out of the blue. Sometimes when we're asking serious questions, it can feel like we're putting someone on the spot or grilling them.

Sometimes circumstances might prompt a conversation. For example, a news story about interest rates, inflation or child care fees might spark a conversation about whether you can realistically afford to have a child.

If not, you choose one or two of the 'lighter' questions and position them as random questions to start off the conversation, which can lead to some of the more serious questions.

What's the most important question to ask your girlfriend or partner?

That's impossible to say, because it depends on so many factors - where in the parenting journey you are, how long you've known each other, your own relationship and personalities.

The best advice we can give is to identify which stage you're in, and think about what's most important to you - or perhaps, which question will be most beneficial to you and your partner.

Are these questions just for my partner?

Absolutely not - rather than questions just to ask your partner, think of them more as conversation starters. They're questions for you both to consider on your parenting journey.