Losing a baby is an experience that causes almost indescribable pain, whether it’s during pregnancy or after birth.

After losing a Baby, it’s fair to say that the majority of the support is focused on the mother, especially after a miscarriage or stillbirth. But it’s incredibly important to recognise that dads and expectant dads are also experiencing the grief of losing their baby, and are in great need of support. 

From the moment we learn that we’re going to be a dad, we imagine all sorts of things about our baby. What they’ll look like, what interests they’re going to have, the things you’ll do together as a family. And so losing a baby isn’t only about the loss of the person, it’s the loss of an imagined lifetime. 

This guide is here to provide information, advice and provide support to dads who have experienced Baby Loss. 

Why don’t men talk about baby loss? 

We all know the wider conversation about men’s mental health in recent years. There are countless studies highlighting that large proportions of men don’t talk about their feelings, and the reasons why. 

The reasons often encompass everything from not having someone to talk to, to the archaic notion of masculinity and the idea that you should ‘man up’ - which leads to the idea that the man needs to be strong for others during times of grief. 

And yet we know that suicide is the biggest killer among men under the age of 50, and more than three-quarters of suicides are committed by men.

This Instagram post from pregnancy loss advocate Chauncey Ellis who perfectly summarises what it's like for dads who lose a baby, and the focus and attention that is direct to the woman. It's an incredibly powerful post and I strongly urge you to take the time to read it.

Grief for dads after baby loss

People deal with grief in different ways. Some people find they struggle to stop crying, others keep busy with work or hobbies and don’t allow themselves to think about it. Some prefer to talk about it openly while others might totally shut down their emotions. 

That can be really difficult to understand when you’re in a relationship. But recognition that people deal with grief in different ways will help you both to get through this period together. 

Of course, we all expect intense feelings of sadness when losing a baby. But there is a range of different emotions that you and your partner might experience after losing your baby. 

Shock

Shock is most commonly experienced in the immediate aftermath of losing your baby. You are likely to feel cloudy or in a daze. You might not be able to process information or things happening around you, even if you’re aware of them. A lot of people tend to feel numb when they are in shock, not feeling anything physically or emotionally. 

Anger

A well-known stage of grief, many people find that baby loss makes them incredibly angry. It can leave you wondering why this is happening to you and your partner. 

Although it’s natural to feel angry at this time, the things that cause outbursts of anger are often trivial or minor - someone bumping into you on the street, a friend complaining that their morning coffee took too long to arrive. 

It’s understandable to be thinking, ‘Are they seriously complaining about a coffee when I’ve lost my baby?! They have no idea what real problems are.’

Guilt

Guilt can often come in two forms - firstly, the idea or belief that you are somehow responsible for your baby’s passing. And secondly, when you start to think about or find enjoyment in other things. 

Whether you’re a parent or an expectant parent, we often see ourselves as totally responsible for keeping our children safe and well. And so it’s natural that we blame ourselves when we lose our children. Depending on the circumstances of your loss, you may find yourself overthinking and overanalysing the most minor of details of your actions to find an answer. 

The important thing to understand about grief is that it doesn’t last forever. Which means you will likely start enjoying life again at some point. You’ll spend less time thinking about your baby and more time on other things. More things will make you smile and laugh. It’s easy to feel like thinking about or enjoying other things is a betrayal to your baby, like you’ve forgotten them. 

You’ll never forget your baby and they will always be part of your life. It’s important to recognise that you can (and should try to) live a full and happy life without thinking about your baby all the time, while still remembering them. 

Jealousy

You’ve just lost your baby, and yet some friends have just announced their pregnancy while another couple have just had their baby. It’s totally understandable to look at their situation and be jealous, or even struggle to be happy for them.

Physical symptoms of grief

While we tend to think of grief as an emotional journey, it can also induce a range of physical reactions, much like mental health issues. 

You may experience symptoms such as: 

• Tiredness and lethargy

• Shaking

• Heart palpitations

• Flashbacks and disturbing nightmares

• Hypersensitivity to noise

• Restlessness (you may find yourself pacing around)

• Forgetfulness

• Difficulty concentrating

• Loss of confidence

Coping with grief after baby loss

Recognising these symptoms and emotions will not only help you to deal with your own grief, but also support your partner in theirs. 

The best case scenario is that you are understanding of how the other is dealing with your loss, and are better able to support each other as a result. 

Here are some ways that can help you through the grief of baby loss. 

Talk to your partner

Grief puts a strain on any relationship. Losing your baby can add what feels like an unrelenting weight and strain. 

If you and your partner can talk openly and honestly about how you’re feeling and how you’re grieving, you’ll be in a much better position to support each other. The more you can be there for each other, the easier it will be. 

In the long run, it might just solidify your relationship. Whereas failing to talk to each other could leave your relationship broken. 

Talk to other dads who have experienced baby loss

While it’s incredibly important to talk to friends, family and colleagues about how you’re feeling, arguably the most value and impact comes from talking to people who have been through the same things as you. 

They may be able to offer advice on what helped them get through their grief, introduce you to other people who’ve gone through it, or point you in the direction of valuable resources. You may even gain new friendships and opportunities as a result, like Sands United FC - a network of football teams launched and united in pride by the memory of lost children.

We’ve heard so many stories of dads who have found each other through their grief and gone on to do incredible things like raising money for charities dedicated to their children.

The DaddiLife Community is always available to provide support and advice whatever issues you’re facing, but there are a range of groups dedicated to coping with baby loss. 

Take care of your physical health

The links between physical and mental health have been very well documented in recent years. And it’s no different when it comes to coping with grief. 

Eating healthily, getting some exercise and avoiding things like alcohol, drugs and smoking will all help to avoid a negative spiral. It can be incredibly difficult to find the motivation to cook healthy meals or get up and get outside, but getting outside in the fresh air - even for a short period - can really help. 

Ask for (or accept) help

We’ve all offered to help others when they’re going through a hard time. You know the sort of line…’If there’s anything we can do to help, anything at all, please let me know’. 

But how often do we realistically accept it? 

When you’re grieving or going through any type of hardship, it’s easy to not want to burden other people in any way. 

Although some people prefer to keep busy, others find that getting help with all manner of things can really help. 

If you’re struggling to find the motivation to cook a healthy meal or go food shopping, for example, perhaps a family member could do this for you. 

Your friends and family will be more than willing to help however they can. But equally, if you find it useful to stay busy, then do that. As we’ve said, everyone deals with grief differently. 

Seek professional help

Many parents experience depression, post-traumatic stress and anxiety after baby loss, which may require professional help in the form of therapy or medication. 

If even professional help isn’t needed, some people find counselling incredibly valuable in their journey through grief. 

Resources for dads who have experienced baby loss

Daddy’s with Angels (DWA) - DWA is a charity that provides support to families affected by the loss of a child, regardless of age or cause. 

Child Bereavement UK - Child Bereavement UK provides counselling, online resources and support groups for families who have lost a child. They also specialise in supporting children who have lost siblings. 

#DadsGrieveToo - #DadsGrieveToo is a popular hashtag used on Instagram, featuring dads and partners sharing their experiences of baby loss. 

Miscarriage For Men - Miscarriage For Men is a website offering advice, personal experience blogs and forum for men who have lost their baby to miscarriage.

Sands and Sands United FC - Sands is a leading UK charity focused on stillbirth and neonatal death, providing a range of bereavement support services. Sands United FC is a network of football teams set up by a group of bereaved dads, uncles and brothers who wanted to commemorate the lives of their family members.