It’s hard and I recently realized that I am without… And hence, the title. Well, I have been writing less forgive me. My exams are going on and I’m sorry. But time and again, a part of my existence bursts out to express itself perhaps… Well, it’s all good. But now, let’s dive deep. 😉
FAITH ON SUPREME.
Recently I have realized that my faith upon the Supreme is going down and down. Down to the point where I think worship an idol is not my cup of tea. Without purpose, and again without any purpose, I have been just staring blank at the idol of Gods at the small corner at my house (not home). I don’t believe in the materialistic physical existence anymore. It’s just the power that resides. Because after all, whatever’s happening isn’t some random shit. It goes round and round perhaps, yet this might be for its own greater good. A greater good which can’t be witnessed by a mortal perhaps. At the same time, faith is meddled… It’s adulterated. My faith is not 100% pure gold. I know that. But there’s some transaction going on. We all feel it deep down. And still there I’m buying my purpose… to someone whom I don’t materialistically believe in. Wow! I’m such an idiot.
ROAMING MODE ON.
Now, that I’m Discovering that I’m roaming. Well, I’m not just only roaming for my purpose. Seriously, WHY THE Fuck AM I HERE? WHY THE FUCK AM I STILL ALIVE? WHAT’S THE FUCKING PURPOSE OF MY EXISTENCE? Questions to which I don’t any answers. Perhaps, there can’t be perfect answers to any of these questions. Perfect questions only deserve imperfect answers. And yet, there I’m roaming behind these perfect questions searching and searching… I believe that I’m not alone. No, not at all. People and millions of them, roaming, wandering perhaps… to these forests. ‘wandering’ is definitely a better word 😊. Dark gloomy forests of unknown questions. These questions are like rain, they fall, and once they do, they make us think about them for a long time. And after a certain time, we forget about them. Turning points of our lives, I guess. Only a drop of rain can’t make your path turn, right? Or could it? It’s roaming around and yet is unnoticed. Don’t worry you are not alone.
SEARCHING.
Recently, during meditations… I have been asking my mind, ‘Why? Why am I alive?’ The questions get repeated. In vain. In vain repeatedly. I don’t have any answer. Unselective thinking isn’t working enough. And honestly out of frustration, I am writing this… But guess, the SEARCH GOES ON. And just like, Vincent Van Gogh, who only sold one of his paintings while he was alive, never stop painting. I’m not stopping my pen. Not until this body passes into darkness. Darkness arises and out of darkness, light takes birth. The space and time perhaps, at that don’t matter much. Because Darkness and Light are the elders of time and space. Or is it the other way round? (Comment below about what you think. 😀) The search never stops until you stop and close your eyes. Waiting for death – a little pathway outwards of the new ‘life’ without pain and suffering. It’s waiting is frustrating. And yet, people are lying in depression not realizing that someone else is fighting for another chance – a step back, to do what they should have done a very long time. A hard punch, a revolutionary confession, a life-changing truth, a deep ‘sorry’, a true love’s KISS… the list is endless. The search is hiding out.
STILL DISCOVERING.
Discovering and yet America existed. All it took was an urge to be important. All that took was a ship to build. And that again took someone to learn how to sail the ship. Discovering is human nature’s one of the evolutionary instincts. Without ‘discovering’, human beings might never have found fire 🔥. They might have never found ways to an improved and better life. A life with better prospects. And discovering THE ‘BETTER’. Just need to open up the eyes and look around far and short. Over horizon, lies imagination. Yet, this gets unrealistic sometimes. Purpose, well, guess it will discover itself. No, it’s better if it reveals itself when the time comes. Time and again, purpose, comes to the person and then lets the person to discover it. Discover it in its utmost intensity. A charge might flow down the spine, yet the person’s aim never falters. Like a falcon it scoops down at an immense speed and snatches its prey – that’s its purpose. Like around, doing nothing, spending time without any valuable meaning – that’s complete shit. And ‘discovering’ becomes something we need to in our mind’s to-do list.
WHY THE FUCK AM I HERE?
Seriously at times, I ask myself, ‘Why the fuck am I here?’ Back when I was suicidal, I used to ask the same time, “Wouldn’t it be better if I just die?” the same thing, just in different freaking shitty ways. Why am I present? Why am I breathing at this moment? Why am I sitting on this bed and writing this thing? Why? WHY? This three-lettered-word, makes us think the most. It makes the mind go round and round and yet finally results into NOTHING. Pretty shitty NOTHING. Fuck… What’s the fucking purpose???
Shit. Back to where we started. Well, I googled a lot and searched, ‘What is my purpose?’ And the results weren’t satisfactory to my mind. My passion is another blank space to fill. What’s my PASSION? Searching again. Waiting to discover it. Reality, at times, hits you hard and suddenly you are not capable of handling the truth which it hurls… It happens a lot. Hearts get broken, people break down due to broken hearts, slowly the body convinces itself that it has no other purpose and then steadily it dies… Just like that. Wait. Why the fuck am I here? Stop! Why the fuck are we here at all? That’s again an unanswered question.
PROVIDING.
There is a thing that runs in quite a lot of people… They say, ‘What would happen to my family if I die? Who will feed them?’ And a group of people suddenly start living for their family without even noticing. Consciously they are thinking that they are separately living for themselves and yet when times gets you check mate. You have none of your rooks, bishops, or anything to protect you. And then you die with regrets. Lots of them. And providing does have a negative effect. Providing must be done, for the sake of giving. Releasing. Detaching. Sorry, I’m getting too spiritual 😛. Purpose is something more. SERVICE? I don’t know. I’m still searching. Providing for someone seems kinda… (tell me in the comments), but serving someone sounds kind of right.
The Prarabdha karma of this life must end, in order to leave the cycle of birth. And it’s sounds like a noble cause to devote yourself towards something noble… Well, don’t have much to say about this.
GUESS I’VE BEEN A DISAPPOINTMENT.
Guess, I have been a disappointment. Doing everything. Done whatever I have done. Seems like complete shit when I look back (not all of it). I regret not getting my Moment of Disillusionment sooner… Back then, I had been suicidal and I look back at my life back then… everything is a blur. Zero betterment single day. Zero efforts. Running on emotional high. And lots of ego. Purpose, Spirituality might not have made sense back then as much as they do now. I have made a thousand faults and I’m even left with numerous ones. Lightening up one dark corner at a time… My purpose is a big question mark on my head. And it shows up without answers… Answer to that question is something I would love to run after. Towards the betterment of the humanity, we think we are. That’s something I would like to see an improvement on. 🙂
HOPE I FIND SOON.
Writing like this after a long time. My one writing is a whole hour deep talk with my Self. My purpose is waiting to get discovered. And so is my passion. They might be above or over the horizon but does that really matter? Do you know how to broaden your horizon? Just get the BIG VIEW. I am not stopping my fight. And yet when I find my purpose, I hope to be able to harness that shock upon my spine. That simple spark out of shock might take me to places where I might have never imagined. I want to fly. I want to move around. I want to fall. But I don’t want to stop. I don’t want to be STAGNANT. Being in your comfort zone kills you. And my purpose, my dreams and my aims await me out of my comfort zone. That’s something for sure. 🙂🙃
That will be all 🙂. Thanks for being till the end🙃.
Sign up to my Weekly newsletter 😀, where I will remind you about the things you might have missed. It's FREE 🤗 and will come on SUNDAYS 😊. Check out my INSTAGRAM & TWITTER accounts too. And also, you can get to know me at my FACEBOOK PAGE & PINTEREST. You can simply click them. ‘Can get me on YouTube too. 😏
Goodbye, till we meet in the next entry 😉.
This is Shadow Sparkling signing off. 🙂🙃
