7. When you first bring your Human home, be sure to claim your new territory.  Everything will probably smell fresh and clean.  Gross.  Rub your dogginess all over every surface. 

d) If your human borks or growls at you, you should probably stop whatever you’re doing, unless an external force is controlling you or you just don’t wanna stop.  In those cases, just bork back.

– Never, under any circumstances, leave your human’s side, especially when they go to the cold floor room and sit on the white chair.  Your company gives them an unparalleled sense of security and confidence.  Humom calls me magnet dog when I do this.  I like that name.

+ Don’t trust the mailman.  Dogs have been protecting their humans from the mailman for decades now.  Every day, this naughty human comes to house, tries to break in, but our scary borks chase him away.  We are very good dogs.

1. Humans obey this strange continuum they call time.  It makes about as much sense as cats.  They’ll say things like “be back in four hours”.  But I have four naps, four thoughts, bork at four squirrels, and secure the house four different times, but dad still doesn’t come home. Liar.

12. Sometimes humans forget the words “good boy/girl”.  Instead, they say “little monster”, “dinglehopper”, “destructo-dog”, “muffin head”, and so on.  We ignore these mental lapses so they don’t feel embarrassed.

~Dogs that study humans say you should never “dog”-ize your human or attribute dog emotions to humans but I say that’s a bunch of bologna.  We know our humans better than they know themselves.  When they get home from work after a looong day, bring them your favorite stinky toy.  Yes, they will LOVE that.

7. Our humans spell things when they don’t want us to know what they’re talking about but we know (at least most of us do).  W-A-L-K means happy dance, V-E-T means fiery doom.

i. Commands are optional unless a treat is in sight.

ii. If you’ve just been outside but reeeally wanna go out again to keep tracking that rabbit scent or roll in dead things, start making hacking noises like you’re about to throw up.  You’ll never see humom dart to a door faster. (Warning: use only for emergency rabbit hunting)

10. And finally… Baths. No.