Everyone likes a good Joke. From youngins throwing around playful wordplays on the playground to old-timers telling each other all-time classics, we live for a good laugh. Although a nice, family-friendly joke should do the trick most of the time, you might need something else to stimulate your humor glands from time to time. Sometimes, you ought to get dirty and nasty to get a fine laugh.
In this article, we curated 150 of the best and dirtiest jokes you should definitely not tell your parents. You’ll get every possible topic you can hope for. Classics? Check. One-liners? You got it. Pillow talk? For sure. Even the holidays aren’t safe from our naughty minds. So buckle up and laugh along with a number of the greatest gags and nastiest punchlines you can ever get! Just be cautious if you want to say them out loud.
Best Dirty Jokes
Here are some of the best, dirtiest classics that will get you more than just a few chuckles.
- –What is 6.9?
–Something amazing screwed up by a period. - If a blonde girl says you got a big willy, she’s probably just pulling your leg
- An old lady walks into the dentist’s office, undresses, and spreads her legs.
–Excuse me, ma’am, but you probably have the wrong office.
–Yesterday, my husband was here, and you put his teeth in. Now, can you remove them, please? - A proctocologist during an exam, says to his patient:
–Calm down, sir, getting an erection is not unusual.
–But I don’t have an erection.
–It’s not you that I’m talking about. - A young lady finds a lamp and rubs it until a genie comes out and says to her:
–You woke me up, so you get to make one wish!
–I wish for happiness! – says the lady.
–Well then, – replies the genie –next time, rub something other than a lamp. - –Which man’s the most liked in a nudist community?
–A man who carries a cup of coffee in one hand, a bottle of beer in the other, and still has space for twelve donuts. - During an interview:
–Name?
–Reggie.
–Sex?
–Four times a week.
–No, I mean male or female.
–Yes, male, female, sometimes camel.
–Holy cow.
–Yes, cow, sheep…
–But isn’t that hostile?
–Yes, horse style, doggy style, every style.
–Oh dear.
–No deer. Deer runs too fast. - –How come they never made a Barbie doll that’s pregnant?
–Because Ken came in another box. - The wife leans to her husband’s ear and whispers sensually:
–Whisper me some dirty things.
The husband leans toward her wife’s ear:
–Dishes, floor, laundry… - A man is sitting in his doctor’s office. The doctor gets into the office and addresses the man:
–Sir, I’ve some bad news. You need to give up masturbating.
–What, doc? – asks the man, worried –I don’t get it. Why?
–Cause I have to examine you. - The child spits out his food during family dinner. His mom yells at him:
–Hey! We don’t spit out food! If it’s already in your mouth, you swallow.
The dad raises his eyebrow and scoffs under his breath:
–Pff, yeah, right… - Here’s an example of why punctuation matters.
–Let’s eat out, Mom!
–Let’s eat out Mom! - A man, an ostrich, and a cat arrive at a pub. The man buys a beer for himself, reaches into his front pocket, grabs some money, and pays the bartender, not forgetting the tip either. Then, he buys a beer for the ostrich, reaches into his front pocket, grabs some money, pays the bartender, and the bird provides the tip. Then he buys a beer for the cat, reaches into his front pocket, grabs some money, and pays the bartender, tipping him as well. After they drink up all their booze, the bartender turns towards the man and addresses him:
–I have to say, this is a strange group you’re with, fella. May I ask how y’all got together?
–Well, if you must know – replies the man – I came across a magic lamp once, so I rubbed it. As my luck has it, a genie came out and said to me “You have three wishes, chose wisely.”
–And what did you wish for?
–Well, my first wish was that I always have change for beer in my front pocket.
–That explains one thing, but what about your friends?
–Well – says the man –I wished for a long-legged chick with a tight pussy. - A boy’s dating a girl from the neighboring village. One time, the girl’s family calls him over for dinner. As the village is far away, he doesn’t want to walk, but his bicycle’s busted. So, he asks his dad:
–Father, my sweetheart’s family called me over for dinner. Can I use your bike?
The father thinks about the proposition for a good minute, then says to his offspring:
–Very well, son, but listen to me. Do you see those nasty clouds over yonder? Those are storm clouds. Here, I give you a jar of Vaseline; take that with you. At the very second you hear the sound of thunder, you rush out and rub the bike with it. If there is but a hint of rust on it, I’ll chop your head off, you hear me?
The boy thanks his father, takes the bicycle and the Vaseline, and sets off to the other village. The dinner goes on without any trouble; they eat, they drink, and they have a good time. When everyone finished, the girl’s father addressed the son.
–You see, I have this game that I love to play with all my guests. Let’s sit in silence, and whoever says a word first will do the dishes.
Everyone agrees to play. Half an hour passes in complete silence when the boy has an idea. He grabs his girl, throws her on the table, and has some rough sex with her on the spot. When they finish, the girl’s father is seemingly furious but says nothing. Another thirty minutes pass in complete silence, and the boy has another idea. He grabs the wife, throws her on the table, and has even rougher sex with her on the spot. After they finish, the father is seemingly trembling with rage but says nothing. Outside, the storm starts to gather, and there’s a thunderstrike nearby. The boy quickly grabs his jar of Vaseline, and the father, without hesitation, gets up and says:
–Okay, okay, you win; I’ll do the dishes. - An old couple lays in the bed, ready to sleep. Suddenly, the old lady leaves the bed and lies on the floor.
–You wanna sleep on the floor? Why? –asks the man.
–I wanna experience something hard for a change.
Funny Dirty Jokes
Here are some jokes you should definitely not tell during family dinners.
- –In what sense does the farmer treat a wild hare and his wife the same?
–If they munch on his carrot, he shoots them in the face. - What is the only way for a woman and a man to be friends without sex?
–Marriage. - A penguin takes his car to a shop for a check. The check goes on for a long time, so the penguin gets bored and decides to visit the ice cream vendor next door and orders a big vanilla sundae. As the penguin’s not the cleanest eater, he gets the sundae all over his face, melting down and dripping on his body. When the penguin gets back, the mechanic looks at him:
–Seems you blew a seal.
–No, that’s just ice cream. - –Why don’t you ever blink while you’re giving me a blowjob?
–I would, but you never give me enough time. - People say make up sex is the greatest. Well, lucky me! All my sex is made up.
- –How come Santa Claus has a huge sack?
–Cause he comes only once per year. - –What do utensils do after intercourse?
–They spoon. - A married couple is lying in the bed postcoitus. The husband asks his wife in a slightly annoyed fashion:
–How come you have not told me even once when you had an orgasm?
–Cause I rather not call you when you’re at work. - –How does a swinger party for utensils look like?
–They fork all knife long. - Saint Peter is at the Pearly Gates, absolutely bored and weary with his shift. He thinks of something that would make the evaluation process a bit more fun, so as the next soul comes up to him, he says:
–Look, let’s make a deal. I don’t care what you did in life, just tell me, how you died. If I find that amusing, I’ll let you in.
–Well, Peter, – says the soul –I was suspecting my wife of cheating, so one day, I thought I’d leave work early. I take the lift, as we live on the 10th floor, I burst in through the door, and what do you know, there was my wife, fresh out of the shower, in her robes. I go frantic, shouting, raging, searching every wardrobe, every closet for the scoundrel. Alas, no luck, but in my fit of rage, I lifted the fridge and threw it right out the balcony. I realized that my suspicion was moot, but too little too late, as moments after, I had a heart attack from all this frenzy. And here I am.
Saint Peter smiles wryly.
–Alright, alright. Get in, that was good.
The next soul steps forward, and Saint Peter says to him:
–Okay, here’s the deal. You tell me how you died, and if it’s amusing, I’ll let you in.
–Oh, Peter. – says the soul –You see, I was a mechanic in life. One day, this nice lady called me up to fix their AC. When I get there, she asks if it’s okay for her to take a shower while I’m working. I say sure, no problem; it’s gon’ be a long procedure anyway. So I go out to the balcony to start working, but then I slip. I got hold of the railing, but no one heard me shout for help. I must’ve dangled for a good ten minutes when I lost my grip, falling ten stories. Miraculously, I managed to fall into a thick bush, which saved my life. I was just about to gather myself when gosh darn fridge fell from the sky, straight onto my head. And here I am.
Saint Peter lets out a good chuckle.
–Okay, wow. That’s a good one, fella. Come on in.
The next soul steps up and Saint Peter addresses him.
–Now, listen here: Tell me how you died. If I find it amusing, I will let you in. But be wary; the competition’s really tough.
–Pete, my man – says the soul – You won’t believe this crap. So get this, I’m in my lover’s fridge, butt naked… - –What do you call a woman that sleeps with ten men?
–…A skank?
–Yeah, sure. And what about when a man does it…?
–He’s gay. 100% he’s gay. - –Hey, man, if your Uncle Jack was stuck on the roof, what would you do?
–Help my Uncle Jack off. - –What’s different between seven and six?
–While 7 ate 9, 6 ate out 9. - –What’s long, hard, and has cum in it?
–A cucumber. - –Why did the wife cheat on her husband with a carpenter?
–He nailed her then hammered her.
Dirty Dad Jokes
Everyone knows that dads tell some of the most groan-inducing bad funny jokes. Here’s what happens if you mix them with the right amount of dirty.
- Snapped a photo of my son Richard yesterday cause his grandparents wanted to see how much he has grown. So I sent them a pic of my Dick.
- Husband asks her wife:
–Tell me something that’ll make me both sad and happy.
–Your brother’s penis is so much smaller than yours. - My parents have a public sex fetish, even more so in elevators. It’s awful on so many levels.
- –What’s the one thing that is similar between a dildo and tofu?
–They’re both meat substitutes. - –What do you call a blemish with a brothel?
–A pimple. - –What did the blind guy say when she passed the fish aisle?
–Good morning, ladies! - A dad with a considerable beer belly walks past a group of fit, young men. As he hears them laughing, he scoffs at them:
–Laugh all you want boys, but everyone knows that the longest snakes live under the biggest rocks. - Just had sex with a virgin fruit compote. I really popped its cherry.
- –What’s the end result of crossing a penis and a potato?
–A dic-tator. - –We found out that Grandpa is addicted to Viagra.
–Oh no, that’s awful.
–Well, you should’ve seen Grandma’s reaction. Nobody’s taking it harder than she does. - –What does the sperm bank receptionist tell the clients who are leaving?
–Thanks for coming! - –We got a new secretary at the office yesterday.
–Oh, Donna?
–Donna? I hardly know her. - –Why did they fire the squeamish doctor refusing to perform a circumcision?
–He just didn’t cut it. - Dated a woman working in the waste disposal business once. Unfortunately, she dumped me.
- –What is the one bird universally loved by all men?
–The swallow.
Dirty Knock Knock Jokes
Knock knock. Who’s there? Don Hugh. Don Hugh, who? Does Don Hugh ever tell these jokes to your parents?
- –Knock knock.
–Who’s there?
–Liquor.
–Liquor who?
–She asked me to liquor all night long. - –Knock knock.
–Who’s there?
–Idaho.
–Idaho who?
–You da ho! - –Knock knock.
–Who’s there?
–Pen-up.
–Pen-up who?
– O-pen-up for me, would you? - –Knock knock.
–Who’s there?
–Dragon?
–Dragon who?
–Dragon these balls on you. - –Knock knock.
–Who’s there?
–Cannes.
–Cannes who?
–Cannes I bone you? - –Knock knock.
–Who’s there?
–Boo.
–Boo who?
–I’m yet to put it in and you’re already crying? - –Knock knock.
–Who’s there?
–Dill.
–Dill who?
–Dill dough. - –Knock knock.
–Who’s there?
–Ben.
–Ben who?
–Ben Dover. - –Knock knock.
–Who’s there?
–Yew.
–Yew who?
–You don’t need to exclaim, I can see you’re excited to see me. - –Knock knock.
–Who’s there?
–Mile.
–Mile who?
–Mile Ong Hawk. - –Knock knock.
–Who’s there?
–Annie Dew.
–Annie Dew who?
–Annie Dew in the bedroom. - –Knock knock.
–Who’s there?
–Dill.
–Dill who?
–Dill dough. - –Knock knock.
–Who’s there?
–Harry.
–Harry who?
–Harry Balzac. - –Knock knock.
–Who’s there?
–Lover.
–Lover who?
–It’s just me. Jesus, how many lovers do you have? - –Knock knock.
–Come inside!
–Now that’s what I like to hear!
Dirty Jokes for Him
Wanna say something naughty but funny to your BF? Look no further!
- –What did the horny frog say?
–Rubbit. - –What’s for dinner?
–I was thinking maybe you can eat out tonight. - –Do you know what’s different between a microwave and me?
–I don’t know, what?
–If you push my buttons it won’t turn me on. - –Wanna play Titanic?
–Sure. How do you play that?
–Well, I’ll be the iceberg while you go down. - Let’s play Pokémon! You’ll be Lickitung, I’ll be Squirtle.
- A couple goes out in the forest at night to have some wild action in the night. After a while, the boyfriend says:
–Man, a flashlight would be really handy right about now!
–You’re telling me? – replies the girlfriend –You’ve been eating grass for ten minutes now. - I love my dress, but it would look even better if you gave me a necklace with two gems.
- –Did you know that you burn off as many calories having sex as you would by running eight miles?
–Really?
–Yup. I don’t know who the hell runs eight miles in though seconds, though. - Nice
- Roses are red
Violets are fine
If you’ll be the six
Then I’ll be the nine - –The toaster turns to the bread and says to it seductively:
–I want you inside me. - –Wanna know how to make a pool table chuckle?
–Tickle its balls. - –What’s long, hard, and full of semen?
–A submarine. - What are you hiding in your pants, a mirror? Because I see myself in them.
- –What do LEGO and boobs have in common?
–They‘re for babies, but grown men end up enjoying them the most.
Dirty Jokes for Her
Who says pillow talk and comedy can’t go together? These jokes will definitely tell you otherwise.
- Damn it, I lost my keys! Can I check your pants?
- –Wanna know the one thing that’s different between being horny and being hungry?
–It’s where you stick the sausage. - –Wanna go camping, babe?
–We don’t even have a tent.
–Oh, there will be one in the morning, but only you can pack it up. - –What happens when Santa’s balls get jingled?
–A white Christmas. - –What comes after 69?
–Mouthwash. - –What’s the worst threat a penis can say to a vagina?
–I’ll come in there if you give me lip! - –You are like a squirrel.
–Why?
–All you think about is nuts. - –It goes in; it’s dry and stiff. It comes out, and it’s wet and limp. What is it?
–Bubblegum. - –What has hair on the top, hair on the bottom, and a wet slit in the middle?
–The eye. - A sperm cell is walking when it suddenly meets a piece of cucumber.
–Well, one of us is horribly lost. - –Wanna play birdies?
–Birdies?
–Yeah. I’ll bring my cock, you’ll bring your tits, and maybe a swallow will come by. - Are you a construction worker? Cause I’m totally bricked up because of you.
- Banana to the vibrator:
–She’s eating me and you’re shaking? - –Your dad almost killed me the other day.
–Really, why?
–My dad told him that I pissed my name in the snow.
–He got on you for that?
–Nah, that one, he shrugged off. He did get mad when my dad told him it was with your handwriting, though. - Are you a baker? Cause you’re raisin my baguette with that cake you have back there.
Short Dirty Jokes
Here are some one-liners that guarantee both groans and laughter.
- Dear NASA: Your mom seemed to think I’m big enough. Sincerely, Pluto.
- Did you get those pants at a discount? Because at my place, they’re 100% off.
- I’d tell a joke about my penis, but it would be too long.
- Below 40, it’s called masturbation. Above 40, it’s called a system check.
- I’m a lot like burgers. I ask for a Happy Meal, go In-n-Out, and finish with a Jack in the Box.
- Why is it that a man talking dirty to a woman is considered sexual harassment, but if a woman talking dirty to a man is five bucks a minute?
- Woke up with a surprise blowjob. I’ll never fall asleep with an open mouth on the subway again!
- Just had sex with an Olympic sprinter. Now that was a real hit-and-run.
- Every bone in your body is perfect, but mine fits the best.
- Telephone sex is great and all, but I wouldn’t recommend it. The holes are so small.
- My girl told me that vacation sex is the best. It wasn’t the best postcard I’ve ever got.
- I’m like a genie. Rub me, and I’ll come.
- I’m no weatherman, but I’d expect a few more inches tonight if I were you.
- My neighbor’s mad at his wife cause she’s sunbathing nude. I’m personally on the fence.
- Went to a place that offered cheap circumcision. It was a complete rip-off.
Dirty Minded Jokes
Subvert people’s expectations with these double entendres and misleading riddles!
- –What’s a four-letter word that means the same as intercourse and ends in “k?”
–Talk. - –What do dogs do but men reach into?
–Pants. - –Why was the racer speeding home to his wife?
–To get a head. - –Why is a happy sex life the same as a good stake?
–It’s rare. - –What woman rides a long stick all day and ends with an “-itch?”
–A witch. - –What get’s wetter as things get steamy?
–A steamboat. - –What is really rewarding when it’s long and hard?
–An education. - –What do you have to blow up to play with?
–A balloon. - –What’s in a man’s pants that isn’t in a woman’s?
–Pockets. - –What can a news reporter say both at her work and in the bedroom?
–This just in! - –What gets really moist with tied-up legs?
–A turkey. - –What word starts with an “f” and ends with “uck?”
–Firetruck. - –What’s similar between a laughably small and an enormously large penis?
–Both are a gag. - –What do you need to do when a woman’s choking?
–Back up a few inches. - –Do you know how to identify a blind dude at a nudist beach?
–It’s not hard.
Dirty Christmas Jokes
Lighten up the holidays even more with some far-from-lighthearted jokes.
- –How come Santa is so happy all the time?
–If there’s a naughty girl somewhere, he knows where to look. - –Why’s Uncle Joe not welcome during the Holidays?
–Cause he stuffed the turkey. - –What is different between Santa and your dad?
–Santa never went above three hos. - –How come Mrs. Claus never gets pregnant?
–Because Santa always comes in the chimney. - –How can Santa travel around the world in just one night?
–He and the reindeer blow a ton of snow. - Kid writes to Santa: “Please, send me a little brother.”
Santa writes back: “Okay, send me your mom.” - If your left tighs’s Christmas and your right thigh’s New Year’s Eve, can I visit between the Holidays?
- –How can you spot a snowwoman?
–Check for snowballs and where they stick the carrot. - –What is similar between a Christmas tree and a sterile man?
–The balls are just for decoration. - –Do you know Adolph, the brown-nosed reindeer?
–He’s as fast as Rudolph when it comes to running but can’t stop as quickly. - –What does Santa do in his trailer before filming a commercial for Coke?
–Exactly that. - –How did Santa become a registered sex offender?
–He was caught stuffing children’s stockings. - –What do you call a man who wouldn’t like Santa if he was gay?
–A hohohomophobe. - –Why did Santa send her daughter to college?
–To keep her off the North Pole. - –What do you call public masturbation during Christmas time?
–Jack Frost.
Dirty Mom Jokes
Moms deserve all the love in the world, but it doesn’t mean that we can’t goof around a bit. Here are some nasty “Yo mama” nasty, and fat jokes about throwing around during playful back-and-forths.
- Yo mama so fat, the one time she had sex scientists called that the Big Bang.
- Yo mama is like a subway. She gives everyone a cheap ride.
- Yo mama went to Italy once, before that, the Leaning Tower of Pisa was erect.
- Yo mama is so fat, I get jetlag when I go from front to back.
- Yo mama is so nasty, she gets more claps than a theatre.
- Yo mama is such a hoe, I felt like I was throwing a sausage into a cave last time I visited her.
- Yo mama is so fat, I feel like a miner when I go down on her.
- Yo mama is so nasty, she went for a skinny dip in a lake once and turned it into a swamp.
- Yo mama is so easy to get, when she filled out a form she wrote “Sure” under sex.
- Yo mama is so fat, they needed excavators instead of midwives when she birthed you.
- Yo mama’s vagina is so hairy, it coughs up furballs.
- Yo mama is like butter. Greasy and spreads easily.
- Yo mama is so nasty, her vibrator starts shaking before she turns it on.
- Yo mama is so fat, I got high cholesterol from eating her out.
- Yo mama is so nasty, she moaned when she birthed you.
Conclusion
So there you have it. Hope you enjoyed these jokes curated for the naughtiest minds. So go out there and make people laugh, or, if you enjoy it, have them look at you concerned!
