“Life is not easy for any of us. But what of that? We must have perseverance and above all confidence in ourselves. We must believe that we are gifted with something and that this thing must be attained.” ­- Marie Curie

Recently, we have been watching the news about suicides in “Coaching City – Kota” in Rajasthan India which is home to innumerable coaching centres. It is considered the mecca for engineering (IIT) and medical aspirants. Students from all over India aspire to be in Kota to fulfil their dreams of pursuing engineering and medicine. We just read two students of Kota Coaching Institute committed suicide, just three days apart. It is a very disturbing scenario as suicides rose to 23 during the year.

After watching interviews with some of the students, I realized that those students were probably suffering from very low self-esteem as they were unable to cope with the competition. Why this low self-esteem in kids of today? How do they develop this? What are remedial measures? How it is impacting the entire generation? We need to ask and address these questions.

What are the causes of this low self-esteem in children who have suffered trauma since their growing up years?

This could be physical, emotional, or sexual abuse. These kids need help to work through the trauma at this essential point in their lives. Otherwise, the trauma could have a permanent impact on the way the individual sees and feels about themselves. Trauma can make the person feel like they did something wrong, hence they are full of guilt. They might feel like they were not good enough, or as if they deserved the abuse.

Being physically or emotionally violated leads many to believe that it was their fault. Even if they know it was not, they know no one stepped in and protected them or stood up for them. This makes them feel like they were not worth that protection, or that there was a reason they were traumatized.

It seems children in Kota who took such drastic steps of committing suicide were struggling academically without parental or scholastic support. Even if they are alive and pursuing their studies well, they are plagued by low self-esteem.

Children who have a hard time in school or even in a particular subject are at an increased risk of suffering from low self-esteem. Especially if they do not receive the help and support they need at school or home.

Reach out to your child’s teacher and guidance counsellor to discuss the issues. They feel “stupid,” and ill-equipped. These kids have no way of knowing if others are struggling as well, but they often feel like they are the only person who does not understand.

If they do not get help to work through these issues, they will not learn that what happened was wrong and undeserved. Instead, these issues of low self-esteem and low self-worth follow them throughout their lives.

If you come to know that your child is suffering from low self-esteem, start addressing the issue immediately. Parents are the best help here.

You can encourage self-confidence in your kids by saying:

• “Believe in yourself and feel happy!”
• “You are amazing, just the way you are!”
• “Everyone is a star and deserves to twinkle!”
• “You need to love what you see in the mirror.”
• “You are amazing, you are brave, you are strong!”

What are the symptoms to know that your child has low self-esteem?

• He indulges in making self-critical comments such as “I never do anything right,” “Nobody likes me,” “I’m ugly,” “It’s my fault,” or “Everyone is smarter than I am.”
• He shows signs of regression, acting babylike or very silly. These types of behaviour invite teasing and name-calling from other kids, worsening the problem.
• He starts avoiding a task or challenge without even trying. This often signals a fear of failure or a sense of helplessness.
• He starts making excuses like My friends are dumb or downplaying the importance of events (“I don’t like that game anyway”). They may use this kind of rationalizing to place blame on others or external forces.
• He starts showing pangs of mood swings, moods, sadness, crying, angry outbursts, frustration, or quietness.

 Once you diagnose such symptoms in your child, as a first measure start spending time with your child. Find activities you can do together that will make them feel successful. Choose activities that are fun, too, without winners and losers. Attend their outdoor games and music recitals. Show them that you are interested in them and what they accomplish. By giving time and energy to your child, you will convey a powerful message of love and acceptance.

A sick child needs a lot of support and motivation from parents. You need to encourage them to express themself, listen without judging, accept their feelings, and treat them with respect. Family mealtimes, even if it is breakfast at the start of the day, offer an opportunity to listen to your child.

Now that you have started treating your child as an important person in the family, you can trust him with making certain decisions whenever possible and assume more responsibility in their life. You need to show your trust in them.

Besides, you need to build close family relationships and make your child feel that they are contributing to the family unit.

“Confidence is the most beautiful thing you can possess.” – Sabrina Carpenter