Here we are, all five of us... Life has been an exhilarating and exhausting whirlwind of incredibly busy and joyful days along with painfully dull and hard days stuck inside the house with the kids either without a car because S. has it going to work or because the weather has been too bad to play outside. Today is one such day, as I look out the window like I'm inside of a snow globe. Our house is a never ending to do list and project list which we just keep adding onto... But the baby... well the baby is a dream. I can't believe how lucky we are to have such an even tempered sweet heart of a newborn.

She was in position and five days late when my doctor and I made the call to have a c-section due to a worrisome varicose vein on her umbilical cord. I was also not at all dilated and not easily induced given my two previous c-sections. The operation / birth went great, it was in fact the best of all my c-sections and hospital stays, something to be said about small cities versus big cities... The boys have been wonderful with their sister, they are mildly obsessed with her and for the most part gentle and kind to her. They want to hold her and kiss and cuddle her all the time which is lovely to see. My in-laws stayed with us for about a month before during and after baby R. was born which was amazing and so helpful to me as my mother in law took over the cooking and helped me organize the house and the boys as best she could.

Breast feeding again has been a big issue. Our pediatrician has a lactation specialist at the practice who we went to and she finally was the one who said that I don't produce enough milk to exclusively breast feed which is the first time someone flat out told me that. It was in a way a big relief for someone to say it. It was hard to accept at first of course as it was something I wanted so badly to be able to do, to provide the nutrition for my baby without supplementing with formula but it made me let go and stop banging my head against a wall. And so we combo feed. I think because there are women who have had breast surgeries (I had a fibroademona excised from my left breast and exploratory cut on my right breast) and breast feed exclusively, that a lot of the advice I got before was trying to be positive. But the fact is that everyone is different, every surgery is different and I was cut in my both my breasts which is why my supply is low or the ducts to get the supply were cut so I don't get out enough milk out to exclusively feed. But I've definitely improved my supply, we get that time together and with the formula she's fully fed which is all that matters.

We are trying as best we can to finish some of the big projects we started, or go back to them while raising our very active toddler and preschooler boys and newborn, she is so grownup I can't even believe that she is still considered a newborn?! And the weather has been holding us up slightly, we've had so many snow days at school, Z. has been home more this month than we anticipated. We are juggling, dancing, meditating, chanting, trying not to yell, at the kids, at each other, trying to channel our most tranquil inner parent/ partner/ channel our inner entrepreneur, trying to get/ stay organised, trying to stay in the moment because time flies by and as rough as it sometimes can be, life is blissfully full for us, chaotic and sometimes trying but full of love.