I am once again exhausted reading another story of men gone wrong.  The week before The New York Times had a comprehensive story about Cardinal McCarrick which was so disturbing it finally led to his resignation a few decades late but still free without bail.

Followed up by the nauseating tale of another Team Doctor (what is it with wrestling? Hastert anyone?) who serially molested young men at Ohio State University who were inspired to come forward as they watched the hundreds (yes over a hundred) women take the stage at the ESPY's to remind all that they are done with their story about Nassar and now is the time to make amends and change the culture and environment that enables serial predators to go unchecked for years despite knowledge otherwise. Et tu Jim Jordan?

But let's add another log to the fire shall we?  Les Moonves or as I call him, Mr. Julie Chen, apparently needed to keep the law firm hired to investigate Charlie Rose on the payroll.  This again goes back decades and not so long ago as once again Ronan Farrow found as he turned a few rocks and dug deep into this state of affairs.   But this is beyond even the Captain of that ship as his Lieutenants were apparently as oblivious or as complicit in the culture of what appears to be a boys club for grown up men.  The clock is ticking.. TIMES UP!

As I am in Cleveland next month I was hoping the renown Orchestra was playing but then again maybe not. 

This list by Glamour magazine is already outdated as it includes some but not all of the more "high profile"  men who have been accused at some point of sexual misconduct.

When I shared my story of my bizarre/tragic/grim/sad/pathetic encounter with the Doctor last week to a young woman she seemed confused as to what the problem was.  Was it because he was married? That I met his wife or that I was not attracted to him?  I am not sure what rock you are living under but in Tennessee ignorance runs hand in hand here with oblivion, my new word for STUPID.

I like this young lady and she is minding my house when I am away and while I have done this before and regretted it, I don't have a dog this time so the most she can do is forget to water the plants.  But this young woman was also molested by her Stepfather and if anyone should be engaged and informed she should be.  But I get it, I really do when you have had enough pain you want to escape but you can only hide for so long.  It is why I left Seattle and why I am moving on once my dental work is done.  Nothing to see here folks I accomplished a few things here that I needed and I am going to eventually settle and find a life that matters.  All of us want to matter but in what way is the question.

As I watched this Doctor careen around my apartment I am sure people would say why would you let him in? To show him that I am capable and have a home that is well looked after and comes from having a life well lived.  I did not think for one minute he would lay a hand on me I felt that he kept waiting for me to do it.  No, not going there,  I am a bitch folks and I got good stuff and he needed to see it to know that I was not a fuck.  True my materialism is OTT but it is what is left after what I sold before I moved and that was even after a pop up sale where I rented a warehouse to sell even more.  I lived large and well for a long time and I am sort of over that but I like my home.  Watch the Gospel According to Leon and you will understand why some make a home a sanctuary and a place of zen.  Luxury zen.

And that odd behavior of assessing, inventorying and commenting on my belongings was one thing that was annoying if not weird but then it kept going.  The endless story about his "father's wife" taking his things, his quasi trash talking his wife and repeating more than once about how she was fine that if had a girlfriend were all reasons to not.  Regardless of his marital status I would not fuck him with a ten foot pole or a shorter more anally appropriate one.  I think somewhere along the line he figured that out or not. But I suspect that permission was not granted for him to come aboard when he reported home.  Something about that whole experience made me think it had been done before and perhaps with one less sophisticated and as worldly.   But that said I have wondered what about a person, myself included, that enables one to be a mark;  a mark being a victim or potential one?

I am not sure it is more than simply being available and being the right gender.  I am not sure there is any mark or manner of expression that enables this person to know or to determine you are the one they will harm.  I used to think there was a "type" and that somehow subtle and subliminal that enabled them to find a way in.  No, no there is not.  Just being there and somehow that is enough.

I want to not hate men, to find a happy medium and to try to get along.  But that seems impossible it just does.  I decided to confront one of my Lawyers on Facebook about my case and he was so enraged and utterly unapologetic  that I had the audacity to question him and show him all the rapes during my time  so  he called it harassment and in turn threatened to turn me into law enforcement.  What the flying fuck?   This is a man who supposedly worked as an advocate for women who have been raped or abused while in his Alaska time. Time that included being a crab fisherman and photographer. And I am nuts?  I know at least how to speak to people in pain.  I loved the rant as it made no sense to someone rational and he clearly is not rational. (Since that rant he claimed he was hacked okay then)   This guy doesn't know where I live, my current name and he is going to call law enforcement.  I am sure they will get right on that, all I did was ask why given all the rapes and his supposed advocacy about women who were victims of such crimes did he fail? But nope somehow he made it about himself and lashes out with the most bogus pathetic bullshit I ever heard.   I see why he has no friends, moved to Alaska and has Crohn's Disease and other mental health issues. True I have been watching his meltdown on Facebook  and it only encouraged me to do what had been pending for over six years.  Yes it was six years ago since I last laid eyes on the man and have never spoken to him since.  But sure my few links to rapes and a question about that with a nasty comment about how I hope his PTSD treatments work for him as clearly he needs it, set him off. And if you wonder why and how people do find you and abuse you, putting your dirty laundry on Social Media is good a way to accomplish that goal.   As the French say "Fait Accompli!"  That told me all I needed to know he is a sad loser and not even able to apologize like a descent human being.   Wonder if that will come up in therapy? No, men don't need therapy they need a lobotomy. 

Funny we all think bestowing forgiveness and accepting apologies is enough. No it is and isn't. Would I have appreciated him and understood had he? No that opportunity is long gone and I knew when I reached out via Facebook (via a fake account no less hey it works for Russia) that I would get either blocked or ignored but no I got threatened.  Sounds rational and sane doesn't it?  Harvard you do good with your grads clearly.

But that closes that chapter and while I can't confront the boy now man who did this to me I needed to do it the closest possible male figure who proved once again men are always boys when women hurt their feelings.  So they rape, take guns and shoot people or doxx them over the internet.  I am not much better as I waited for quite some time and literally waited until I felt that it was time and then I too did the same.  I knew I would not get the answer I needed but I got one that made me laugh and I needed that as it is better than all the tears I have shed. But what about all these other women and men? There stories are out there and do they feel better? I am not sure but they at least for one minute were believed but again for what purpose?

So what is the happy medium? What is the resolution we seek?  I just want to have a life that is mine and tell the story when the time comes if I choose to and under my terms.  I would rather write funny essays, stories and observations and move into a life worth living instead of just being.  I will not even get satisfaction of hearing from the Doctor again as I doubt he will show up for Yoga in the weeks ahead (irony I won't be there anyway) and then what?  Just exchange fake pleasantries that mean nothing and resolve nothing.  Was there anything to resolve except a ham fisted pass and a decline to accept the ball? But for many men it doesn't end there.  It seems to end on floors, on beds, on sofas, in cars where they push women into a place that is dark, disturbing and permanently damaging.  My predator I think fits the description of a current serial rapist in Seattle, he is in his early 30's and Middle Eastern and it was that article I sent to Ted Vosk to ask him if this seemed relevant as he cared so much about women was this something he cared about? No I was harassing him.   This is how men deal with anything they don't like - finger point, blame lay, accuse and then finally threaten when all else fails.  Okay then, close and home just met.  Men you are the ones afraid clearly.  There is no happy medium apparently and may never be.