FAMILY SERIES -
Hi it's Dermot again. If you read my last blog from 19th April, you will know that this is a follow up to that blog and part of a "Recovery from Addiction Series", If not read on:
I decided as part of my bloging series, "Recovery in Addiction Series", to include a few blogs on family. It is an undisputed fact that family are directly effected by addiction and in most cases it is the family that eventually help to motivate change in an addict or atleast do their utmost to do so. Families also suffer immense hardship through addiction and it does leave emotional scars in everyone. No one escapes the impact and effects of addiction.
In addiction the "Abnormal becomes Normal". This is where normal family functional behaviour tends to literally turns upside down, back to front and inside out. Adults (in addiction) become the children, Children become the adults, a strange hierarchy is formed and the family, learn to live by their wits end, going from one crisis to another. In spite of all of this many families do manage to cope, and do their utmost to keep the problem within the family.
Most of these changes happen over time and on a subconscious level and are just a coping mechanism to help people deal with adverse situations.
Here are a few examples of family roles:
What are Family Roles?
a.The Addicted Person is the Central figure.
b.Family revolves and evolves around the Addict/ Alcoholic in the household, be it Parent or Child.
c.Individual Family members change their behaviours and attitudes to adapt to the alcoholic's behaviours and attitudes and become pre-occupied.
d.They try to predict what the person in addiction will do next.
e.This change is on a sub conscious level and is a coping mechanism, in the family unit.
f. "Abnormal becoming Normal"
1) Family hero
2) Placate (Enabler)
4) Lost Child
1) FAMILY HERO (Responsible one) -Takes over parenting role, Looks after younger siblings, Organizes household, Role model.
"This role is normally adopted by the spouse or eldest child"
Positive attributes: Organised, Leadership Skills, Decisive, Initiator, Self-Disciplined, Goal Oriented
Limitations: Perfectionist, Difficulty Listening, Inability to follow, Lack of Spontaneity, In flexible, Un willing to ask for help, Fear of mistakes.
2) PLACATER (People Pleaser/Enabler)-Tries to keep the peace, Avoids taking sides, Avoids confrontation, Easily led, Does what he/she is told.
"This role can be adopted by an abused spouse or child"
Positive Attributes: Caring/ Compasionate, Empathic, Good Listener, Sensitive to Others, Gives Well, Nice Smile.
Limitations: Inability to receive, Denies Personal Needs, High tolerance for bad behaviour,
Fear of anger or conflict, False Guilt, High anxiety/ fearful.
3) SCAPEGOAT (Acting out)-Appears not to care, Rebels against household, Detaches from family unit, Behaviour is similar to that of the addicted person, Out spoken, First to be blamed.
"This role can be adopted by spouse or any child"
Positive Attributes: Creative, Less Denial, More Honest, Sense Of Humour, Close to Own Feelings, Ability to Lead (in the wrong direction).
Limitations: Short tempered, Inability to follow direction, Self destructive, Intrusive, Irresponsible, social problems at a young age, Under Achiever, Rebel.
4) LOST CHILD (Adjuster)-Isolates, Stops communicating, Avoids drawing attention, Neglected, Does not complain.
"Usually the youngest child"
Positive Attributes: Independant, Flexible, Ability to folllow, Easy going attitude, Quiet, Follows without Questioning.
Limitations: Unable to initiate action, Withdraws, Fearful of making decisions, Lack Of Direction, Ignored/ Forgotten, Difficulty perceiving choices and options
5) MASCOT (Family Clown)-Makes light of situations, Never serious, Childish behaviour
"Middle or youngest child, most insecure"
Positive Attributes: Sense of Humour, Flexible, Able to relieve stress and pain.
Limitations: Attention seeker, Distracting, Immature, Difficulty focusing, Poor decision making, Not taken seriously.
It is very daunting when you suddenly recognize that yourself and other family members fit these roles. Most families, I work with are initially very angry as the realisation suddenly dawns on them, just how effected they have been by addiction. When the abnormal becomes normal, you do not notice that you have been effected by addiction at the time. All family members become co-dependent, but I will be covering co-dependency in a later blog.
My next 3 articles are on Family and Addiction/Recovery. The next one will be on Enabling on Tuesday 24th April 2018
The article of "Recovery from Addiction" Family Roles is the opinion of the author and if you would like to contribute to it, please leave a comment in the comment box below. If you want to subscribe, for free, to any further blogs of mine please click on the blue box below.
Growth in Recovery and in life, takes commitment and courage, but if you are not willing to take a risk, and push your boundaries, even a little then you will be stuck where you are, until you do.
If, like me and you are in recovery, then I know your pain and you have been to hell and back. But think of this, you are not a victim, but a survivor and as a survivor you deserve to give yourself every opportunity you possibly can. "Keep breaking the mould and keep it real"
The next journey in my recovery was to go down the route of Internet Affiliate Marketing, it is the future. I challenge you to do the same, give it a go and click the link below, watch the no obligation 7 day videos and then decide from there.