Now, I admit that I have a few kinks. I like some weird shit. I do, I admit it. However. Those kinks do not include cactus sex. Despite their decidedly phallic shape, cacti do not turn me on, nor do they get me off. Which explains my reticence to try the Total Ecstasy Triple Stimulator, which looks like a pink jelly… yep, you guessed it. Cactus.
Ever since my love affair with the Paul and Paulina began, I’ve had a soft spot for rabbit-style g Spot Sex Toys. So, when I saw this triple stimulator at my fave sex toy shop, I bought it immediately. It looked so… frightening, like in the sense that it would force an orgasm out of me whether I wanted it to or not.
I bounced and giggled like a schoolgirl on illicit caffeine when the UPS guy brought the box. I’m sure he was wondering why I was so excited about a box marked “Lemon Iced Tea Packets” – gotta love Eden’s discrete shipping. I opened the box and looked in, and my first reaction to seeing the Total Ecstasy in it’s package was whoa. It was freaking huge. Like, seriously, no freaking way was that pink jelly mutant cactus monster gonna fit. In my itty bitty girl parts. I was a little scared. Like, terrified, actually.
But, I conquered my fear in the name of research, and busted open the packaging, and immediately wished I had a gas mask. Holy cow, the stench. I mean, I know jelly toys often don’t smell like violets and yumminess, but this thing reeked of toxic spill laced with cherry cough syrup. It reminded me of the Dip from Roger Rabbit. Ugh. Return it? Maybe. I decided to give it a chance to air out first, on account of the excessive heat when it was shipped. So I washed it with mild soap, dryed it, washed it again, dryed it again, then set it in front of a fan for a day. I washed, rinsed, repeated for two days, until the smell was mostly gone.
I had another moment of doubt, but that was quickly squashed by my hyperactive sex drive. So I grabbed a condom, slid it on my new sex toy, and got to town.
Wow. I mean, wow. It took seconds, seconds before I was gasping in shock at the totally amazing and unexpected dual clitoral and g spot orgasms that had just bitch-slapped my nether regions. I’m not sure what all this stuff about anal orgasms is all about, but I think I may have had one of those too. Needless to say, it took me a few minutes to recover.
I’ve got to say that the design of the Total Ecstasy is pretty good, at least for me. It really wasn’t as big as it looked in the packaging, but it still is kind of a hefty sex toy. The clitoral and anal stimulators are positioned right, and they’re soft enough to easily translate vibration without being overly pokey. The rotation feature leaves a bit to be desired, but as I said, it did not fail to get me off.
So, yeah. After about a week the smell is mostly gone, but that jelly is not really safe. Definitely plan on condoms if you’re gonna try it out. While I can’t whole-heartedly recommend the Total Ecstasy Triple Stimulator, I can definitely say that I won’t be returning mine. How can I forsake a toy that treated me so well? You can check it out here.
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