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Why am I Fighting My Own Self-Care?




  1. the practice of taking action to preserve or improve one’s own health.”autonomy in self-care and insulin administration”
    • the practice of taking an active role in protecting one’s own well-being and happiness, in particular during periods of stress. “expressing oneself is an essential form of self-care”

Taking an active role in protecting one’s own well-being.

That is the part I am missing. The active role. I understand what self-care looks like for me; it is executing that has me unsure of things. I am just rolling with the punches. This is OK, but certainly not ideal. I am much happier when I am in control when I am expressing myself, my needs, and places where I must say no.

READ: Focus on the possibilities for success, not the potential for failure

Protecting one’s own happiness.

I am not sure what happiness looks like these days. Remembering what un-happiness feels and looks like is easy. Circling the drain is all about unhappy. And the lack of color in the walls of the abyss stands out because they did not stand out. There is nothing about those feelings that I want to participate in again. Yet, I am not embracing the good in a way that makes me outwardly or inwardly feel the condition of happiness.

I am not sad, but that is not the same as being happy.

My not feeling angry is different than feeling glad. I am ready for more, and I am not sure how to achieve that. Most days are back to being a struggle to clear the fog out of my head and get “into the game.” I spend the biggest chunk of each morning, just becoming me. Then, the rest of the day plays out OK. But again, OK is not spectacular or exciting or necessarily fun.

There are no face to face meetings going on right now at On Our Own.

I reached out to my Peer Advocate via the telephone yesterday. Our conversation reminded me of how important my support group is in my continued recovery. Just having the chance to speak with someone who has “been there,” is very supportive and reassuring. These weekly conversations have been a source of renewal as I wade through my recovery from MDD, compounded by COVID-19.

These days, it is easy to relate everything to the coronavirus.

Future generations will remember this event just as some of us remember where we were on 9-11. Those in my generation remember where we were when JFK and MLK were assassinated. It’s a shame we mark time by the losses that occur.

On a positive note, I watched every minute of coverage of the 1st steps on the moon.

I still have positive memories of those days and the anticipation of mankind setting foot on the moon for the first time.  I remember the entire world holding its breath as the lunar lander made its way down to the surface of the moon. There are dates that hold happy memories for me including weddings, birthdays, and graduations.

Back to self-care, maybe I am making to big a deal out of it.

Each day I do what I must to get through. Maybe I am deluding myself by thinking survival is self-care.  The word survival does not appear in the definition of self-care. But the word ACTIVE does. That is what I need to focus on. Justifying the expenditure of a few minutes of my time to think about what I NEED to be successful, is not a waste of time.

I should not feel guilty spending time on my own self-care.

READ: Doing the Drugs, Part II

But that is what’s going on. I am not worth the time to think about what I need. The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. Why am I stuck on that? Why can I not see that if I don’t get my own oxygen mask on first, I will never be able to help others?

The last part of the definition of self-care mentions “in particular during periods of stress.”

Stress is my middle name. I do not go anywhere without it. I may package it up, and put it in my back pocket, but it is there almost always. So, this should give me permission to practice self-care. After all, I have the stress part worked out, so I should be able to use the self-care part, too.

I will keep you posted about when I “take action.”

My Concealed Depression is written under the alias “Depression is not my boss.” I have certifications in SMART Recovery and am a Global Career Development Facilitator.

Last year, I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder.

If you know someone who might benefit from reading this, please share.  And your comments are always appreciated.

The post Why am I Fighting My Own Self-Care? appeared first on My Concealed Depression.

This post first appeared on Depression Is Not My Boss, please read the originial post: here

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Why am I Fighting My Own Self-Care?


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