The blog is back for a one off holiday edition
me and Moz went to Benidorm for, as Golds would say- "beer, slags and carnage"
this was my airplane essentials- ipod, parma violets and The Guardian
turns out that around the time this photo was taken, syrup (new nickname because of his need for one soon) lost his passport
all was well though. they put a call out for 'pol adam morreeeson'
we got changed and tore out into Benidorm. this was our first impression of the trip- a Phoenix Nights style club full of over-matures
we got absolutely destroyed on dark rum and guinesses and I ended up ill back at the flat leaving Moz to pursue some MILFs from Middlesborough.
I went on this arcade game that would only work in first gear. so I had to spend my whole time on it going no faster than 10 miles per hour. I was pissed in both senses of the word.
there were a few scal's out with their girlfriends mixed with matures. Me and moz in our peacocking gear were a totally different species so we did well out of it all.
the Lux-Mar had a standard view for Benidorm. For some reason they're still building more apartments here
Moz didnt get a tan. His skin colour went 'off white' instead
where is the best place for us two to fit in? why a Biker bar of course!
we fitted in well. At the back and out of everyones way. They had a stripper on at 3pm. She looked like a bit of a tranny though. Whatever it was, it was stripping before Newsround...
on one of the nights we went to a really shit bar that had bingo on. Moz seemed to have a fear of bingo
I had a fear of the floor. It was like the kind you get at the swimming baths. The chipboard tables only compliment it.
I got involved with some langoustines. It was a messy affair. And syrup ordered his food, had a couple of bites, then announced he was 'full'. They didnt even bring my full order, such is the level of laziness ingrained in Spaniards here
They're not too lazy to vote for the commies though. Franco would be turning in his grave...
me and Moz went to Benidorm for, as Golds would say- "beer, slags and carnage"
this was my airplane essentials- ipod, parma violets and The Guardian
turns out that around the time this photo was taken, syrup (new nickname because of his need for one soon) lost his passport
all was well though. they put a call out for 'pol adam morreeeson'
we got changed and tore out into Benidorm. this was our first impression of the trip- a Phoenix Nights style club full of over-matures
we got absolutely destroyed on dark rum and guinesses and I ended up ill back at the flat leaving Moz to pursue some MILFs from Middlesborough.
I went on this arcade game that would only work in first gear. so I had to spend my whole time on it going no faster than 10 miles per hour. I was pissed in both senses of the word.
there were a few scal's out with their girlfriends mixed with matures. Me and moz in our peacocking gear were a totally different species so we did well out of it all.
the Lux-Mar had a standard view for Benidorm. For some reason they're still building more apartments here
Moz didnt get a tan. His skin colour went 'off white' instead
where is the best place for us two to fit in? why a Biker bar of course!
we fitted in well. At the back and out of everyones way. They had a stripper on at 3pm. She looked like a bit of a tranny though. Whatever it was, it was stripping before Newsround...
on one of the nights we went to a really shit bar that had bingo on. Moz seemed to have a fear of bingo
I had a fear of the floor. It was like the kind you get at the swimming baths. The chipboard tables only compliment it.
I got involved with some langoustines. It was a messy affair. And syrup ordered his food, had a couple of bites, then announced he was 'full'. They didnt even bring my full order, such is the level of laziness ingrained in Spaniards here
They're not too lazy to vote for the commies though. Franco would be turning in his grave...
I hate the Blues Brothers. So you can imagine my delight when I got to see a Tribute act of them. I saw them three times. They were essentially two man in badly made suits with a hat and shades. Singing badly.
the first thing I showed the mature when I brought her back was syrup's Superboots...
moz squeezed into my small t-shirt and instantly made himself gayer than before
Benidorm wouldnt be Benidorm if there wasnt people fitting and pissing themselves on the strip at night. they were whisked off in an ambulance, but the paramedics didnt even bat an eyelid.
this guy was better. But he was too fat for the role of Mr Bulsara. He also needed to sound less northern and act gayer. He negated to sing at the difficult bits but none of the old dears seemed to mind
The act that me and Moz really wanted to see was....Francisco Jackson. An overweight white man in an untucked blue shirt doing Jacko covers. Sounds like a dream no?
Princey did his own tribute act. He sang Richard Marx...
to a near empty bar...it was emotional though. He did Marx proud.
we got chatting to two girls and moz straight away plucked for the worse of the two. He got them both on the bronco, but then ended up running out of the club then home cos he got too hammered.
we watched barca lose, but the screen made it look like we were watching Pro Evo in Font Bar
on one of the nights, Moz forced me to wait outside the ladies toilets because he had just witnessed a freak walk in there. We were both waiting for ages for her/him to come out but it was worth it in the end. The guy behind Moz thought we were both sex pests.
I came back to find him in a state. I had also just lost my wallet with all my cards in, so in between shouting 'Ive lost my fucking wallet Moz!' I was forcing him to throw up more with choice phrases like 'Chuck it up you queer!'
we watched barca lose, but the screen made it look like we were watching Pro Evo in Font Bar
on one of the nights, Moz forced me to wait outside the ladies toilets because he had just witnessed a freak walk in there. We were both waiting for ages for her/him to come out but it was worth it in the end. The guy behind Moz thought we were both sex pests.
I came back to find him in a state. I had also just lost my wallet with all my cards in, so in between shouting 'Ive lost my fucking wallet Moz!' I was forcing him to throw up more with choice phrases like 'Chuck it up you queer!'
me and Moz rarely stayed together on a nightout- we both lonewolfed it. As he was chucking up, I was using this old dear to get into women on the dancefloor by dancing with her. Women were asking me to dance with them due to my little ruse but I just got too drunk and snarled at them, then carried on dancing with the granny. Granny banter.
I ended up going back with a girl from Essex who liked my get up. And when I walked out of her apartments I realised it was the same ones I had been in a few years back. She didnt enjoy that fact as much as I did...
they have a Brannigans in Benidorm, but I wouldnt refused to step foot in that one as well
I actually didnt pack any real beach type clothes with me. So I just wore my sandblasted flares and cream winklepickers to the beach instead.
moz collected a load of 'trophies' from the disasters he got into. It was an impressive collection
I brought the married 40yr old back to mine and tried to palm her off onto Moz but she said 'what kinda girl do ya think I am?'
I brought the married 40yr old back to mine and tried to palm her off onto Moz but she said 'what kinda girl do ya think I am?'
to which I replied: 'the kind that cheats on her husband and three kids with me'
the first thing I showed the mature when I brought her back was syrup's Superboots...
moz squeezed into my small t-shirt and instantly made himself gayer than before
He didnt look as gay as these guys though. Moz got excited about this Westlife tribute photo. A slovak guy outside just looked downright bemused by moz's reaction
long conditioned hair - check
long conditioned hair - check
open ice white shirt - check
shell necklace - check
stay pressed slacks - check
moody stare - check
chair back-to-front - check
we were both at opposite ends of the hair spectrum. I offered to buy moz a blonde syrup (wig)but his response was always 'shuttup'
we were both at opposite ends of the hair spectrum. I offered to buy moz a blonde syrup (wig)but his response was always 'shuttup'
this was the level of quality moz aimed for. Even when there were a few girls, princey would straight away claim the fat stinker. 'I've got dibs on the disgrace!'
we saw A LOT of tribute acts: Elvis and Meatloaf were my favourites.
some disgraces decided to strip and go on the bull. A crowd gathered to see some flesh but in the end most were wincing at the sight of this one coming off the bronco...
we didnt pester this group. Their t-shirts did the trick I suppose
we did pester a group of welshgirls. They ranged from 7/10 to 0.5/10. Moz honed in on the worst one out of the lot, so much so that it sobered me up looking at him getting his sleaze on. We got into the lot of them by Moz bullying the girls into playing pool against us, then we showed them no mercy and completely hammered them. Moz got treats from the stinker on the beach. *shudders*
we didnt pester this group. Their t-shirts did the trick I suppose
we did pester a group of welshgirls. They ranged from 7/10 to 0.5/10. Moz honed in on the worst one out of the lot, so much so that it sobered me up looking at him getting his sleaze on. We got into the lot of them by Moz bullying the girls into playing pool against us, then we showed them no mercy and completely hammered them. Moz got treats from the stinker on the beach. *shudders*
Benidorm wouldnt be Benidorm if there wasnt people fitting and pissing themselves on the strip at night. they were whisked off in an ambulance, but the paramedics didnt even bat an eyelid.
this was the mans treat from one of his conquests.
the place had a Star & Carnage, but I doubt a Smiths/Morrissey night would go down well in hooligan central
this is more like it
this is more like it
hometime
Roll on the summer!
