There’s a certain conversation with which anyone who’s lived in Hamilton for more than five minutes is familiar. A friend is visiting – or, more likely, passing through – and they ask, “So, what is there to do around here?”

Inevitably, the Hamiltonian squirms, knowing full-well that there’s really only one thing worth doing in Hamilton. “I don’t know,” they say. “Visit the Gardens?”

It’s a conversation so ubiquitous that I turned it into a Twelfth Night spoof for a show we did. You know that bit at the beginning of the play, when Viola struggles ashore after being shipwrecked and says, “What country, friends, is this?”

“This is Illyria, lady,” the ship’s captain replies.

“What should I do in Illyria?” she laments.

You get the idea. Two of my friends and fellow cast members bravely volunteered to act it out at Hamilton’s only beach. (Yes, it does have one, although it is, admittedly, somewhat optimistically named.) They immersed themselves in the wintry waters of the Waikato, whilst I filmed them, a little guiltily, from within the warmth of my hoody.

Here’s the result, by the way, starring Hannah Grant and Ross MacLeod:

It got a laugh from the locals who saw it – a conversation they all knew and dreaded! As a travel writer, I get it even more than the average Hamiltonian, because I should know. I should have some special insight; some hidden gem to reveal. More often than not, I find myself scrolling helplessly through this very blog, trying to remember the places I’ve been around Hamilton.

The last time this happened, just a few days ago, I realised I should make things easier for myself – and others – by compiling a list of the top ten places to go around Hamilton. So, here it is:

1) The Gardens

The Hamilton Gardens genuinely are wonderful. They won some international garden of the year award a few years ago. They’re imaginative and magical, like many little pockets of paradise, each one differently themed. As well as the more traditional gardens, such as a Japanese one and a herb one, there are gardens dedicated to themes such as surrealism, and various historical ideals. I love going there to write, having my pick of exciting settings – and they’re completely free!

2) The Zoo

Hamilton Zoo is surprisingly brilliant. People tend to dismiss it, assuming it can’t be as good as Auckland Zoo, but it’s still worth visiting if you like animals. The tiger exhibit is cool. (Yes, it is the one where that keeper was killed a few years back.) The meerkats are cool. The monkeys are cool. Admittedly, it is quite weird seeing giraffes walking through a green field with ordinary New Zealand houses in the background…

3) The Arboretum

The Taitua Arboretum is just outside Hamilton, on the road to Raglan. It’s free to enter and makes for a lovely walk. There are lots of species of trees and birds, as well as a Chinese garden and even a stone circle. Children enjoy feeding the colourful population of friendly chickens that inhabit it.

4) The Tree Church

The Tree Church is breathtaking. It was built privately by some guy out near Ohaupo, but he was persuaded to open it to the public. It’s literally a church made out of trees. It’s serene and beautiful, and looks like something out of a fantasy novel. Children aren’t allowed and it’s only open during certain hours of certain days, so you’ll have to check the website to plan your visit. If you’re heading that way, I suggest having lunch at the Olde Creamery Café – I had my hen party there. It’s really quite special.

5) Memorial Park

Memorial Park, which joins onto Parana Park, is just across the river from the city centre. It’s fun to explore for children and adults alike. There’s a fantastic playground – take the kids’ togs – and an aviary, as well as a picturesque stream, delightful gardens, a spitfire and several pleasing nooks and crannies. Take a picnic.

6) The City Centre

The centre of Hamilton isn’t very big. We dropped off a couple of Canadian hitchhikers on the main street once, and they said, “Umm, sorry, but could you take us to the city centre?” Okay, so it’s no booming metropolis, but it has some cool bits. There’s Garden Place, Casabella Lane, the riverside paths, Embassy Park – which is full of quirky Rocky Horror goodness – and lots of excellent restaurants. And don’t forget Browsers, one of the best secondhand bookshops in New Zealand.

7) Woodlands

Woodlands Historic Homestead and Gardens is on the outskirts of Hamilton. It’s a tranquil place with a café that I highly recommend. You can well imagine Victorian or Edwardian ladies in white frocks and hats strolling the grounds. The café has a collection of old-fashioned games that children can play with outside, whist the adults have a sophisticated drink on the veranda.

8) Zealong

The Zealong Tea Estate is New Zealand’s only tea plantation. You can take a tour and indulge in high tea, before splashing out in the very posh-looking giftshop. You can also stay for dinner – the restaurant menu seems decent, if pricey.

9) The Lake

Lake Rotoroa, (not Rotorua,) also known as Hamilton Lake, isn’t far from the city centre, but it feels as though it’s a whole world away. Walking around the lake is always pleasant, and there’s a café and ice-cream next to a massive playground. You’ll encounter plenty of pukeko, often being dicks to ducks.

10) The Museum

The Waikato Museum, down by the river, usually has something interesting on, especially for kids. The last time I went was for a historical costume exhibition, featuring dresses worn by Keira Knightley, Kate Winslet and other famous actors.

And that’s kind of all… Hamilton has a decent rock-climbing place, if you’re into that. The kids’ walls are especially fantastic. Extreme Edge, it’s called. If any other Hamiltonians can think of anywhere else, I’d appreciate your help in the comments!