I Fear openness. Yes, it’s true. There is almost nothing worse that puts me into a depressive state than leaving my heart open for too long. Why? Well, there is positive as well as negative energy in the world. Since I’m a highly sensitive and self-aware person, I pick up nearly everything and that can be sometimes very tiring and exhausting. On the other hand, it is a beautiful gift and something that lets me experience the world in an extraordinary fashion. However, unless, I give myself room to breathe or decompress, I run the risk of slipping into a depression. When that happens though, there is one way to recover, and that for me is by painting and creating. Using negative energy to create something great is what helps me get back on the journey.

Trying to be open to everything all the time is impossible. After all, we are humans and we have to respect that fear is an inevitable part of us. But we do have a choice as to whether to act on that fear or challenge it, overcome it and love it.

I received a lot of hurtful rejections this month. I created designs that didn’t fit well into the company’s market research, or my ideas were unable to be realised due to engineering limitations. Or what happens to me quite frequently, my ideas were ahead of its time. Naturally, I started to feel a little depressed and fear of openness was building up. After the last rejection, I simply had enough. I decided to explore those feelings with painting. That was actually pretty hard to put into action since it requires high openness. But that’s exactly what I did. I opened to those emotions, to that fear, anxiety, hopelessness, unworthiness and everything that had been building up, and decided to use all of it and create something awesome. And I did. I found positivity, love and happiness again. I created something original inspired by my negative emotions, depression and fear.

This time I chose the biggest canvas yet, 73cm x 100cm, and put it to work. I present Fear of Openness.

Fear of Openness (2017). Cotton canvas 73cm x 100cm. Acrylics. By Miroslavo Art.