I watched her from the alley way, chuckling as she fiddled awkwardly with the buttons of her Silly little coat. Her legs shook in the cold, cold wind, and her eyes darted around the dark, deserted street as she waited for me to arrive. 

She was never very good at playing by the rules. In fact, according to the newspapers, she often liked to break the rules, and ruin all the games that banks and lenders liked to play, so I was a little bit worried about accepting her invitation. 

She had a bad track record and didn’t seem to understand her mistakes, but I try to be fair, and I give everybody a chance to play with me. 

I grew bored of watching her, and her nervous fidgeting, so I strode up the alley, calling out her name. 

That silly girl! 

She turned towards me and screamed, scuttling back towards the road, with a constant and ear piercing scream. 

She screamed and screamed and screamed as if she hadn’t asked me for a play date! 

I sighed, raising up my axe to silence her, but as I suspected, she didn’t know when to keep her mouth shut. 

Silly, silly girl. Perhaps the silliest I have ever seen, and Mr Smiles has seen so many silly girls in his time. 

She fell back onto the ground behind her, gasping and covering her face with her shaking hands. I rolled my eyes, growing impatient as the seconds slipped by. 

She was frightened, and I found that frustrating. She had sought me out, and now, she was wasting my time with her silly games, when we should have been playing mine. 

I grabbed a handful of her hair and dragged her back to the darkness of the alley, pulling her to her feet and shoving her against the wall. 

She shivered, shaking her head and mumbling for help, from nobody in particular as I explained why I was there. 

She had called me, asking if I would play with her, and now, there I was, just as she had asked. 

I gave her my very best smile and waved at her with my hands and my axe, and at last, she seemed to understand, still shivering in my shadow, but silent at last, so the game could begin. 

Her game of choice was something quite peculiar. 

Slash the Lettuce.  

I had never ever heard of it myself, and it sounded so funny to say, to me at least.

We find the lettuce, the one who stole her smile, and we slash it up, until it has a smile of its own and can give my new friend her own back. 

A silly game. Sillier than most I have seen, but luckily for my friend, I love silly things the most. 

I love smiles too. Smiles are all that I live for, and so the thought of giving the little lettuce a big, beautiful smile filled me with joy, and I could not wait to get started. 

I followed my iceberg lady to the offices of the newspaper, with a glittering grin and many swings of my axe. There were parades of blood, scarlet soldiers and snowflakes marching up and down the streets. 

With each step, and each swing, my companion seemed more and more jumpy. 

Jumping for joy, and finally over her fright, I hoped, because we would soon be having much fun playing a brand new game. I don’t know if this was the case, now that I think about it, but I am getting ahead of myself by a million miles.  

Off we went! Me, swinging and smiling. My companion, frowning and flailing. She reminded me a little bit of my little brother, and his sour moods. It didn’t dampen my delight though, for my brother always perks up when the game begins, and I knew that my companion would too. 

She was just run down and sad after all of the trouble she had been having with the press. She called them puerile, insisting that her little economy thingamabobby would have worked out fine if they had just given her a chance. 

“I didn’t kill The Queen!” She wailed, as we reached the office door, and I turned to her with a look of confusion, unsure of why she was having such outbursts when a game was just moments away. 

As I have said, my new friend was a silly and strange girl. 

I didn’t respond, frankly, hoping that she would stop talking, and instead turned my focus to the door. Sending it into shivers of splinters with my trusty axe, before we walked inside and through the empty, echoing corridors. 

It wasn’t long until we found the lettuce. It was hidden away in one of the offices, with huge, glued on eyes, and a fetching, funny blonde wig. 

Up at us the lettuce looked, and my smile soon turned to a frown. 

The lettuce already wore a wonderful, wide smile. It was the happiest lettuce that Mr Smiles had ever, ever seen! 

My companion hadn’t wanted me to gift the lettuce a smile. She assumed that I was a horrible, hulking monster who would destroy the lovely lettuce and its wonderful smile. 

She wanted me to steal its smile.

I was incensed, erupting at the betrayal. Mr Smiles would never steal a smile! 

Sensing my vexation, my friend, or should I say, my enemy began to panic, raising her hands above her head and backing out of the room. 

My axe shone in the darkness, and I swung it high above my head, determined to have justice for the lettuce and its lovely smile. 

Off she ran, and off I chased, cross as a Queen who has been murdered by her Prime Minister. 

The desks were destroyed, and the walls full of holes but alas, my prey got away from me. 

She slipped into the dark night, and I haven’t seen her since. 

Do not frown though, my friends. The lettuce and I still smile, our grins glittering in the moonlight, and do you know why? 

It is because Mr Smiles always wins the game. My prey just doesn’t know that the game isn’t over yet.