Parents, is it harder connecting with your Teenagers than when they were younger?
If your relationship with your teenage son or daughter is different, more complicated, or much more difficult than it used to be, there are some things you should understand:
You’re not alone – Most other parents are facing the same challenges you are, even if it doesn’t seem that way on the outside. Every teenager and every family has issues, and connection is often hard.
It’s very normal – Teenage brains are not yet fully developed, and they are going through a number of changes. Whether everything is fine with them or they are struggling, connection is harder during those years.
There are things you can do about it – There are no magic, quick-fix solutions, but there are practical and positive steps you can take to improve your connection with your teenagers. Starting today.
There are things you can do to connect with your teenagers, and below are 10 areas where you can start taking the next steps.
You and other parents may be interested to know that this material is being expanded for use in a new product being built for the “Connection” section of the PACES for Parents online learning center. But you can get started now, and if you use this article as a “tool kit” and select the concepts and approaches that fit your family situation, your connection with your teenagers can improve.
Which of these 10 techniques will you use to connect more deeply with your teenagers?
1. Learn How to Be a GREAT Parent
The big idea: We can use the acronym G-R-E-A-T to remind us how to be a balanced, effective parent.
Overview: Most parents have some things we do because they come naturally to us, but we also owe it to our kids to take a balanced approach in raising them. The acronym “GREAT” can help us do that by reminding us to include in our parenting these five key areas: Goals and boundaries, Relationship, Example, Activities, and Teaching. Keeping those areas in mind will help us parent our kids well.
We can also connect with our kids in many ways in addition to simply talking with them. In fact, some of our most effective parenting may come about when we take a more comprehensive and holistic approach to parenting by keeping our eye on each of those five areas. Each of our kids is wired in different ways, and the word “GREAT” provides easy-to-remember guidance to develop connection.
Key points:
- Setting positive goals and appropriate boundaries helps our kids navigate life better.
- GREAT parents work on building a good relationship and encouraging positive activities.
- Our responsibility includes modeling the way as an example and teaching them wisely.
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.” (Nora Ephron)
2. Invest Time in Their Well-Being
The big idea: Every positive minute we spend with our kids is an investment in their well-being.
Overview: For parents, the clearest and most definitive contribution we can make to our daughter’s or son’s well-being is the amount of time we spend with them. What we may refer to as “quality time” is hard to manufacture on its own, and it tends to happen organically the more we are around our kids. We can also enhance the process of connecting with them even more by planning regular activities that they enjoy.
Quality time can take different forms. Much of it comes simply by having fun together, and every minute we and our kids enjoy each other’s company is an investment we are making in them. Going to watch them at their events is a good thing, but it shouldn’t be all that we do. Quality time can also happen in the moment as opportunities present themselves, as long as we set aside whatever we are doing to truly be with them rather than staring at the television or our laptop or cell phone.
Key points:
- Quality time with our kids comes from the quantity of time we spend with them.
- Being in the same room with them while we do something else is not “quality time.”
- Busy-ness may be a reason for not spending time with them, but it’s not an excuse.
“From the time he was young, he dressed the way you told him to dress; he acted the way you told him to act; he said the things you told him to say. He’s been listening to somebody else tell him what to do… He hasn’t changed. He is still listening to somebody else tell him what to do. The problem is, it isn’t you anymore; it’s his peers.” (Barbara Coloroso)
3. Say the Things They Need to Hear
The big idea: There are a few critical things that every teenager needs to hear from their parents.
Overview: The PACES for Parents material for the step of “Connection” includes a wonderful lesson called “What Every Teenager Needs to Hear.” It outlines important conversations that moms and dads need to have with their kids. We can use that structure as a helpful roadmap for talks we can have with our sons and daughters, and this is especially important during the teenage years.
But parents communicate in more ways than just with words. We also send important messages to our kids through our demeanor and attitude, and the way we act toward them can be influenced by circumstances, emotions, and our insecurities about talking with them. Even though all parents have a lot going on, we can still embody life-giving messages to our sons and daughters.
Key points:
- Our kids need us to show them that they are loved and they have great value and a good future.
- It can relieve the pressure on our teenagers to hear that, “It’s okay not to be okay sometimes.”
- They need to learn they are responsible for their choices, and some choices can be dangerous.
“What I do with my kids is I tell them I love them every day, but I also tell them the truth.” (Todd Bridges)
4. Practice Good Communication Skills
The big idea: Communication is a skill, not just an art, and we can get better at it if we work on it.
Overview: Many intelligent parents miss the mark in terms of how they communicate with their teenagers. We assume our kids communicate the way we do, which is normally not true. Even adults have different ways they communicate, and this difference is magnified by how teenagers think and the stage of life they are going through. Parents need to adjust their approach.
Most of the time, when parents lecture to, preach at, or scold their teenagers, they simply tune us out. We can do a better job if we slow down to be thoughtful and intentional in how we choose to talk with them and take 100% of the responsibility for the success of each interaction. Learning to communicate effectively becomes more enjoyable, especially when we see the results it brings.
Key points:
- We must remember that our tone, expression, and body language say more than our words.
- Communication with our kids improves if we address our blind spots and utilize our strengths.
- The Golden Rule for parents is: “Talk to our kids the way we would like to be talked to.”
“There’s one thing you can start doing right now that will change how you communicate with any young human: Remember what it’s like to be one.” (Justin Young)
5. Strive Toward Deeper Community
The big idea: “Community” is more than connection; it also includes relationship, belonging, and love.
Overview: The way parents interact with their kids teaches them a great deal about how to approach life in general. We are in a unique and important position to model for them how people can move toward deeper levels of community, and this understanding can benefit them for the rest of their lives. Life becomes more enjoyable and meaningful when we have effective relationships.
Approaching how we communicate and connect with other people at a deeper level may not come naturally for many adults, but it is something we can get better at if we focus on it in a humble and thoughtful manner. Deep inside, all human beings—including our kids—yearn for community. The good news is that there are steps we can take to get there, and we can help our kids get there as well.
Key points:
- By focusing on listening and empathy with our teenagers, we can enhance our relationship.
- A safe relationship with our kids that includes vulnerability will help them develop belonging.
- The purest form of community is when we show unconditional and sacrificial love for our kids.
“I stopped speaking. There was no point trying to argue. There was no way she was going to even attempt to listen to me. They never do, do they? They never even try to listen to you.” (Alice Oseman)
6. Seek to Understand Their World
The big idea: Our teenagers experience life differently than we do. Hopefully, they will tell us about it.
Overview: Teenagers often feel they are under a lot of pressure, and many struggle with anxiety. Most will try addictive substances, 40% will abuse them, and drinking and smoking pot are not considered to be that big a deal. Since parents are only able to observe a fraction of their lives, it is important that they be vigilant to understand the trajectory—positive or negative—that their kids are on.
Parents should also seek to understand the issues their teenagers are facing and try to see their world through their eyes. Teens do what they do for a reason. Sometimes, the problem they are trying to solve is a search for ways to feel the way they want to feel. It is helpful to try to get them to talk about why they do the things they do, and open communication with them is to be treasured.
Key points:
- A teen’s well-being involves how they’re doing emotionally, socially, spiritually, and personally.
- Parents need to be vigilant about understanding the trajectory of their teenager’s behavior.
- Identity issues such as insecurities and not being accepted can be traumatic for a teenager.
“Some are young people who don’t know who they are, what they can be or even want to be. They are afraid, but they don’t know of what. They are angry, but they don’t know at whom. They are rejected and they don’t know why. All they want is to be somebody.” (Thomas S. Monson)
7. Earn and Keep Their Trust
The big idea: Parents need to be someone their kids can trust, even when they can’t trust their kids.
Overview: Trust is earned when kids know they can rely on the character, truth, and strength of their parents. This is harder with teenagers who are not trust-worthy themselves. Most teens lie to their parents at times, and they may not always do what they say they will do. Troubled teenagers may not be honest and may choose to purposefully deceive their parents and even steal from them.
That does not release parents from the responsibility to be trustworthy themselves. We do that by being authentic (saying what we mean) and consistent (doing what we say we will do.) We earn more trust by being compassionate (caring for their well-being) and safe (being understanding and helpful). This is especially critical when our kids are vulnerable enough to take the risk of trusting us.
Key points:
- Parents can be there for their kids by being available, aware, safe, helpful, and trustworthy.
- Parents earn trust when they are authentic, consistent, and compassionate with their kids.
- If a teenager admits a mistake, it is worth considering giving them grace and love in return.
“When we’re looking for compassion, we need someone who is deeply rooted, is able to bend and, most of all, embraces us for our strength and struggles.” (Brene Brown)
8. Have the Important Conversations
The big idea: Some topics are uncomfortable to talk about with our kids, but we need to anyway.
Overview: Teenagers will talk about issues such as alcohol, drugs, and sex. Unfortunately, it’s only with their friends, unless parents do something about it. We need to be proactive to have conversations on dangerous issues such as impaired driving, opiod drugs like pills and heroin, and (if appropriate) suicide, as well as the more subtle dangers of “starter habits” such as smoking, vaping, and pot.
Teens may spout drug lingo but not be aware of the facts, so parents want to be informed and calm versus naïve or angry. We can start by simply asking, “Are kids at school doing it?” We need to be ready to be challenged, including for what teenagers see as hypocrisy if we drink alcohol yet insist it is horrible for them to smoke pot. The goal should not be to emphatically win the argument but to have thoughtful dialogue, and the less-than-perfect way we handle those talks may be just what our kids need to hear.
Key points:
- When there are problems in the family, communication is more important than ever.
- For sensitive topics, we should work harder than ever to remain calm and empathetic.
- Parents don’t have to be perfect, just do the best they can during important conversations.
“Have those hard, uncomfortable, awkward, and thought-provoking conversations with your children now so they can grow up and have those hard, uncomfortable, awkward, and thought-provoking conversations with themselves and manage their lives a bit better.” (Scarlet Jei Saoirse)
9. Investigate What Works for Our Family
The big idea: Every family is different, so parents should seek approaches that fit their situation.
Overview: There are many useful ideas out there on how parents can connect with their teenagers, but we may have to search to find the ones that fit our situation. Making the investment to use online parenting material can help us find good ideas we wouldn’t think of on our own. The challenge is to sort through the clutter and variety of information to find approaches that will actually work.
Unfortunately, many perceived experts may not have the practical, real-world understanding to deliver pragmatic and proven advice. They often have a point of view that is influenced by the particular silo of their vocational training rather than offering a more holistic approach that integrates emotional, social, spiritual, and personal aspects. The good news is that parents don’t have to be perfect, so the key is to find a source of good information and then do something, see how it works, and adjust from there.
Key points:
- Parents can find good ideas by reading, researching the internet, and talking to other parents.
- Each of our kids is different, so the things that work with each of them may not be the same.
- Needs and issues for kids change as they grow up, so parents need to be ongoing learners.
“When a child reaches adolescence, there is very apt to be a conflict between parents and child… The opinions parents express, however, are so dogmatic that the young seldom confide in them, and usually go their own way in secret.” (Bertrand Russell)
10. Build a Plan to Increase Connection
The big idea: Being the best parent we can be includes being proactive and thoughtful in our approach.
Overview: Parents are busy; sometimes too busy. Work pressures and the tyranny of the urgent may keep us from being intentional and proactive in creating a plan to help protect our kids and enhance their well-being. We may spend hours planning our vacation yet not do the same with parenting. We need to ask ourselves: “Are my kids important enough to me to be the best parent I can be?”
Having a plan helps us take a thoughtful approach and anticipate challenges and opportunities rather than reacting emotionally in the heat of the moment. The good news is that building a parenting plan doesn’t have to be that hard. We want to keep it relatively simple and doable so we will refer to it periodically to remind us of what is truly important rather than urgent. The plan doesn’t have to be perfect, but we need one to get started, and we can learn and adjust the plan as we move forward.
Key points:
- If we haven’t written it down, we don’t have a plan but only an assortment of random ideas.
- A plan that we create and then ignore without following through will not help our teenagers.
- Our parenting plan can be simple, and it should be practical and doable so we can get started.
“Communication with your kids. It costs nothing compared to the potential consequences if you don’t.” (J. J. Cannon)
There is an important reminder we may need as we wrap up this discussion on how parents can connect with their teenagers. It is to remember that good ideas, whether they are new to us or a helpful reminder, will only help if we actually put them to use!
Before you move on to something else, pause to prayerfully commit that you will invest the time and energy to connect better with your kids. No matter what is going on in your family, that will make a positive difference, both in your life and the lives of your kids.
And if you choose, you can take a step toward connecting with your teenagers before you go to bed tonight.
Question: Which of the 10 areas are appropriate and useful for your family situation?
Action: Pick at least 1 area you will commit to spend time on during the next week.
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