After last week's post, you'll be pleased to know that it's not all been murder around here this week.
No sirree, this week I decided that I was going to get in the Christmas spirit, so I dug all the decorations out of the shed, and then headed off to the next village to buy a Christmas tree. A real tree at that, not the usual fake crap that I sling up.
In the aforementioned 'next village', there is a field full of Christmas trees which lies dormant most of the year. But then, as regular as clockwork, a man with a frown appears by the field gate (on 20th November), to sell them to wannabe festive revellers .... like me. I love revelling and that kind of thing I do.
He sits in a little wooden shack, grimacing and warming his hands over a wood-burning stove fashioned from an oil drum, and the price of your tree depends upon what car you turn up in.
No flies on me (but you can see where they've been). I rocked up at the field in a borrowed Nissan Micra and began browsing before quickly realising that once you've seen one Christmas tree, you've pretty much seen them all ...... brown with green branches and that.
So I pointed to the one nearest the exit (to minimise the carrying distance), and said to the bloke, "I'll have that one please."
He eyed up the Nissan Micra that was parked outside the field in a squinty, calculating fashion: "That'll be 35 quid," he growled.
BARGAIN!
As I was fishing out the cash, I idly asked him; "do I need to put the tree in water?"
He looked at me, aghast. "NO," he scowled. "How can I put it?" he said (sneering at me as though I was wearing a t-shirt emblazoned with 'you are a twat').
Sneer over, he continued my ongoing education about Christmas trees: "Just imagine if I tore a huge hole in your chest and ripped out your heart, there'd be nothing to pump the blood around, right? Same with pissin' trees that don't have roots."
Blimey. That's why he's in customer service.
Once at home, I put the tree in bucket and weighed it down with rocks ...... only to observe that it looked uncannily like the fake tree I had just put in the bin. I hate it when that happens.
"So what do you think?" I asked Izzy who had been witnessing events with an increasing excitement.
"Is that it?" She squeaked, "aren't we supposed to put decorations on it?"
"Bloody nora," I muttered under my breath, "I was lucky to get an orange and a nut when I was a kid."
"Stop swearing," remonstrated Izzy.
"Sorreeeee ........" I replied, sighing.
Suffice to say, Izzy's bubbling enthusiasm won me over, and before I knew it, we were hanging pointless things from the tree's pseudo-fake branches. Things like polystyrene snowmen, and glass dog-like creatures. I ask you ..... what on earth has that got to do with Jesus rising from the dead?
P.S. How are you getting on with your Christmas preparations? (if you celebrate it, that is). As an aside, I have been formulating a cunning plan that involves celebrating the key festivals of every religion. Just imagine how many public holidays we would have, and how much cool food we could eat.
P.P.S. Gotta go ......... just tried to cook some dinner in that desolate wasteland called 'the kitchen', and I've just burnt a pan full of onions and chicken cubes. I was trying to cook 'Chicken Surprise', but the surprise thing is hard to pull-off when you are the one doing the cooking.
No sirree, this week I decided that I was going to get in the Christmas spirit, so I dug all the decorations out of the shed, and then headed off to the next village to buy a Christmas tree. A real tree at that, not the usual fake crap that I sling up.
In the aforementioned 'next village', there is a field full of Christmas trees which lies dormant most of the year. But then, as regular as clockwork, a man with a frown appears by the field gate (on 20th November), to sell them to wannabe festive revellers .... like me. I love revelling and that kind of thing I do.
He sits in a little wooden shack, grimacing and warming his hands over a wood-burning stove fashioned from an oil drum, and the price of your tree depends upon what car you turn up in.
Pic.No.1 How to get a discount on your Christmas tree
No flies on me (but you can see where they've been). I rocked up at the field in a borrowed Nissan Micra and began browsing before quickly realising that once you've seen one Christmas tree, you've pretty much seen them all ...... brown with green branches and that.
So I pointed to the one nearest the exit (to minimise the carrying distance), and said to the bloke, "I'll have that one please."
He eyed up the Nissan Micra that was parked outside the field in a squinty, calculating fashion: "That'll be 35 quid," he growled.
BARGAIN!
As I was fishing out the cash, I idly asked him; "do I need to put the tree in water?"
He looked at me, aghast. "NO," he scowled. "How can I put it?" he said (sneering at me as though I was wearing a t-shirt emblazoned with 'you are a twat').
Sneer over, he continued my ongoing education about Christmas trees: "Just imagine if I tore a huge hole in your chest and ripped out your heart, there'd be nothing to pump the blood around, right? Same with pissin' trees that don't have roots."
Blimey. That's why he's in customer service.
__________________________________________
Once at home, I put the tree in bucket and weighed it down with rocks ...... only to observe that it looked uncannily like the fake tree I had just put in the bin. I hate it when that happens.
Pic.No.2 Another thing that will require dusting / vacuuming
"So what do you think?" I asked Izzy who had been witnessing events with an increasing excitement.
"Is that it?" She squeaked, "aren't we supposed to put decorations on it?"
"Bloody nora," I muttered under my breath, "I was lucky to get an orange and a nut when I was a kid."
"Stop swearing," remonstrated Izzy.
"Sorreeeee ........" I replied, sighing.
Suffice to say, Izzy's bubbling enthusiasm won me over, and before I knew it, we were hanging pointless things from the tree's pseudo-fake branches. Things like polystyrene snowmen, and glass dog-like creatures. I ask you ..... what on earth has that got to do with Jesus rising from the dead?
Pic.No.3 The finished article. I ran out of blue lights near the bottom
Pic.No.4 Get your Buddha in the Christmas mood by simply popping a glittery star on his crown-type thing
Pic.No.5 The effective use of tinsel makes a cheery feature of your staircase
Pic.No.6 I made a festive feature of my 'Do One' sign using only one strand of tinsel
Pic.No.7 Oh yes he did ........... the filthy mutt. If you look closely, the middle turd looks a bit like Joseph praying to a heavenly sheep with no legs (the sheep, not Joseph)
Pic.No.8 Naughty George admiring his contribution to the Christmas cheer
So dahlink, I hope you enjoyed the festivities at Chez Dickens ....... but before I go, I thought you might like to see this video of Izzy getting Christmassy with her seasonal turkey.I have to begrudgingly admit, that by the time the tree was finished, I was feeling moderately festive, and as such, acquiesced to Izzy's pleadings that I also put decorations up throughout the house. And because I am a bit of an Arts and Crafts guru (if I do say so myself), I have taken some pictures so that you can recreate the look in your own home .........
Pic.No.4 Get your Buddha in the Christmas mood by simply popping a glittery star on his crown-type thing
Pic.No.5 The effective use of tinsel makes a cheery feature of your staircase
Pic.No.6 I made a festive feature of my 'Do One' sign using only one strand of tinsel
I have to say, that by the time we had finished, the house looked a bit like Santa's grotto, but without the fat bloke in a poorly fitting suit with a beard hooked over his ears ...... and the reindeer's crapping everywhere.
Talking of crapping, Naughty George decided to add his own particular touch to the festivities.
Pic.No.7 Oh yes he did ........... the filthy mutt. If you look closely, the middle turd looks a bit like Joseph praying to a heavenly sheep with no legs (the sheep, not Joseph)
Pic.No.8 Naughty George admiring his contribution to the Christmas cheer
Pic.No.9 Naughty George looking guilty once he realised his contributions weren't as appreciated as he first thought
Vid.No.1 Izzy and her amazing singing turkey shortly before it was killed for lunch ... nom nom nom (34 seconds)
P.S. How are you getting on with your Christmas preparations? (if you celebrate it, that is). As an aside, I have been formulating a cunning plan that involves celebrating the key festivals of every religion. Just imagine how many public holidays we would have, and how much cool food we could eat.
P.P.S. Gotta go ......... just tried to cook some dinner in that desolate wasteland called 'the kitchen', and I've just burnt a pan full of onions and chicken cubes. I was trying to cook 'Chicken Surprise', but the surprise thing is hard to pull-off when you are the one doing the cooking.
This post first appeared on Baumhaus Ltd - The Furniture Design Company, please read the originial post: here
