On the one hand, people interrogate domestic violence victims.
"Why didn't she leave?"
"Why does she stay?"
"Why not tell someone?"
On the other hand, victims are maligned and blamed when they do speak.
Take for instance the infamous interview of Mike Tyson with his new gorgeous wife, actress Robin Givens. When Barbra Walters talked with Robin Givens about Mike Tyson's anger and people witnessing her and her mother being on the other end of that anger.
People had seen this behavior and that behavior was reported in magazines and newspapers.
Robin spoke freely.
Robin let everyone know that she valued her safety, and did not seem too sure about it anymore. Robin was fearful.
TO THIS DAY.... some people who were not in this relationship, this home, or Mike Tyson's circle are still furious on his behalf.
Comment sections of videos that feature this veteran actress are typically filled with venomous and vile statements.
Ditto for anywhere that two or more are gathered.
There will be blame. Against Robin Givens, the victim.
What I Now Know
Robin Givens was not supposed to tell the truth about being afraid of Mike Tyson.
I used to think this expectation of Robin came solely from Black American fans.
Maybe Black boxing fans.
Ok. Maybe, boxing fans of all backgrounds.
I kept expanding the group because everywhere that I went I was meeting people from more and more backgrounds who thought this way.
As I began to do more speaking and teaching on domestic violence, I learned that this sentiment goes so much further than race.
Robin Givens broke the code of every society that centers males and minimizes women. In such societies, males who express anger through violence are to be coddled and given 1000 chances to do better.
As for women? Women are NEVER to speak up and express fear of male violence.
Robin Givens was supposed to lie!
That was the expectation.
Because had any harm come to this woman, people all over would get to say:
"Well, Barbara Walters asked her and she said no. There was a camera crew, Barbara Walters, and the whole world watching....why didn't she say something?
Because you know if that had been me....."
What About Her?
Robin Givens was afraid. So she spoke up and told the entire world.
And the world laughed, ridiculed, and mocked her. The world wanted to know who she thought she was?
And that is where we are still.
Even after Mike Tyson was tried, convicted, and served time for rape. (That's for another day)
Even after Mike Tyson sat on Oprah's stage in Chicago and told the entire world that he wanted to "sock" Robin Givens.
Just to be clear, this is not an "anti-Mike Tyson post." This is a pro "let's start being better people who respond with more awareness and resources around domestic violence" post.
She spoke of being in fear .....sometimes.
Not all of the time, but sometimes.
I joined the millions who watched the Robin Givens and Mike Tyson interview when I was younger.
At the end of the program, I just remember praying that she would be okay. It was TENSE! And then after the interview, the show went off. Wasn't sure what was coming next but it did not look good.
It seems prayers for her were answered that night.
A New Prayer
Today, reactions to the very public relationship between Robin Givens and Mike Tyson are still teaching us that we have not made as much progress around valuing women, women's safety, and domestic violence.
Mike Tyson seems to have done some reflecting.....maybe even healing.
Robin Givens seems to have done some reflecting, growing, and healing.
My prayer today is that WE as a society keep doing the necessary reflecting, healing, and growing. We are not audience members in this. We are each other's relatives, friends, neighbors, and fellow world citizens.
We must do better.
FYI.....after this episode aired, Oprah had Robin Givens on the show.
Oprah apologized to Robin Givens for her reaction to what Mike Tyson said because Robin did not appreciate it. At all.
Oprah explained that she and the audience laughed somewhat out of nervousness and not knowing how to respond.
Still, she humbly apologized to Robin Givens.
Robin Givens appreciated the apology. She had tears in her eyes and everything.
I can't find the episode but it was good. It was a good moment. Some of us were in chat rooms talking about how that moment made us take another look at how we respond when something like that is said and it makes us nervous.
