Question:   Why do some people who were abused seem to fall for the worst possible relationship partners?  

Answer:  So, why do some individuals, having endured the harrowing depths of abuse, find themselves ensnared by the very type of person capable of inflicting similar pain?

The dynamics of violent relationships are extremely complicated and no two relationships share the exact same features.  There are some commonalities and possibilities that we need to consider more often though.

Though internally powerful, Survivors of abuse are also vulnerable to deceptive tactics often employed by predators to ensnare their Victims including for instance love bombing. 

Victims of abuse often carry the scars of trauma, invisible wounds that render them more susceptible to manipulation and exploitation. Their yearning for denied love and connection and a diminished sense of self-worth make them easy prey for individuals who exude charm and affection. 

These predators, skilled in deception, shower their victims with an intoxicating blend of attention, flattery, and grandiose promises, creating the illusion of an intense and unbreakable bond. 

This phenomenon, known as love bombing, serves as a potent weapon in the arsenal of abusers, ensnaring their victims in a cycle of manipulation and control.

Love Bombing

The insidious nature of love bombing lies in its ability to mimic genuine love and affection. It looks and feels like true love.  Abusers strategically deploy this tactic to gain their victim's trust and establish a sense of dependency. 

They bombard their victims with excessive displays of love, showering them with gifts, compliments, and professions of adoration. 

This relentless pursuit creates the illusion of a profound connection, causing the victim to feel swept off their feet. In this heightened state of infatuation, the victim's judgment becomes clouded.  Now the woman who thought that she was being wooed is essentially "drunk in love".  

She is now more susceptible to the abuser's manipulation and control. In this state, it may be very difficult for the words of loved ones to get through and pull her back to reality. 

Everything You Say May Be Used Against You

Furthermore, abusers often prey on their victim's vulnerabilities, exploiting their past traumas to gain sympathy and control. Everything that was shared in those early "getting to know you" conversations will now be used against her. 

....the absent parent

....her parents' divorce when you were a child

....the abuse she endured

....the people who didn't listen or didn't believe her

......her hopes, her dreams, her fears, her anxiety

........her past relationship issues

.......They are weapons now. 

 People tend to open up a bit to get to know one another.  If you don't open the door, you can't ever let anyone in.  

Some people take advantage of that. 

Abusers may use guilt, shame, and manipulation to erode their victim's self-esteem, making them feel unworthy of love and respect. This insidious strategy further isolates the victim, making them less likely to seek help or support from others. 

As the cycle of abuse intensifies, the victim becomes trapped in a web of fear, shame, and self-blame, making it increasingly difficult to break free.

Our Role As a Society

By breaking the silence and shedding light on the complexities of abuse, we can challenge societal norms that perpetuate victim-blaming and shame. 

Victim blaming and shame are what keep victims in abusive and potentially fatal relationships. 

WE must put blame and shame on the predators and abusers that it rightfully belongs to. 

WE  must foster a culture of empathy and understanding.

WE must recognize that victims of abuse deserve compassion, support, and a chance to heal.

Remember, love should never be a source of pain or fear.

 If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, there is help available. Reach out to a trusted friend or family member, contact a domestic violence hotline, or seek professional counseling. 

You are not alone