Feelings of guilt are distressing and draining. There doesn’t seem to be an escape. As you are healing, you realize that you’ve done or said something you regret. You’re uncomfortable without an obvious solution. It is irritating. What can be done about it now?
One of the least talked about issues that some Survivors of abuse and violence struggle with is the issue of Guilt. In peer-led support groups, women speak of guilt about:
- guilt around connecting with their children
- guilt around domestic violence relationships and how children were impacted
- guilt around having to leave abusive partners
- guilt around children missing abusive partners
- guilt around self-harm
- guilt around feeling like you are not doing enough
- guilt around feeling overwhelmed
- guilt around questions about the abuse being their fault (both when they were children and adults)
- guilt around choices they have made when they were in pain, or before they recaptured self-worth, and self-esteem that was stolen from them through abuse and violence.
We do not advise people not to feel guilt. Only sociopaths can completely avoid guilt.
We do talk about how the mind knows that something devastating has happened and then tries to sort out who or what caused it. Because the mind knows that it should not have happened and should never happen to another vulnerable person.
As a group, we try to help one another see where the guilt for the mistreatment belongs. We share helpful lessons and helpful readings. Unburdening yourself of guilt is worth the healing work.
Get over your guilt with these strategies:
1. Determine if you should feel guilty. Whose standards are you using? Your parents’? Your own? Your church’s? Can you be sure the source is correct? Ensure that you’re judging yourself by a set of standards you deem to be worthy. It’s your choice.
2. Learn from it. Why do you feel guilty? Obviously, you did or said something that you consider to be wrong. Once you know why you feel guilty, you’re in a position to benefit from it. Ensure that you don’t repeat the behavior in the future.
• Visualize yourself behaving in a new and improved manner.
3. Sometimes guilt is unproductive. Imagine that you feel guilty about missing your child’s play because you were required to work. If you did everything within your power, there’s no benefit to feeling guilt. Does your behavior require modification? If not, there’s no reason to feel guilty.
4. Apologize. It can be as simple as saying you’re sorry. You’ll feel better afterwards, even if your apology is rejected.
5. Accept that you feel guilty. Acknowledge your feelings and the pain that goes with them. Accept that you made a mistake. Realize that it will pass.
6. Forgive yourself. People will not always forgive you. Even if the other person won’t forgive you, you can forgive yourself. Be kind and gentle with yourself. No one is perfect.
7. Let it go. Once the event is over, you’ve apologized, and modified your behavior, let it go. At that point, what purpose does your guilt serve? Take a deep breath, let it out, and move on. Keep your mind occupied with more productive thoughts.
8. Have gratitude. Rather than saying to yourself, “I should have told Mary the truth”, tell yourself, “I’m grateful I’ve learned the importance of honesty.” Negative experiences can still be worthy of gratitude.
