Ahh… what a luxury at the end of long, tiring day, to be able to stretch out my legs under the warm tungsten lights of my cozy room and just be me. Sometimes I feel like there are two Valerie’s within. The adult Valerie is all grown-up, confident, able to assert herself, and mingle with people. Meanwhile, the little Valerie is crouching behind the pillars, afraid of stepping out, fearing the unknown, wishing she didn’t have to go out and meet anyone. All through the day, the two sides of me jostle for attention, seeking to show their faces in the myriad of situations I find myself in. Sometimes, I wish I could just be brave and not worry. Sometimes, I wish I could go back and nurture that bit of courage into that scared little Valerie. But in the privacy of my own room, I am free to be just me. No need to stop any part of me from surfacing. Freedom to just be Valerie, that amalgamation of adult Valerie and little Valerie respecting each other’s feelings, dignity, character, and whatever baggages they may be carrying at the moment.

Recently, I have been facing bouts of anxiety and fear. I struggle to make sense of the situation that I’m in. Why? Why? Why is God making me go through this? So far, I have not experienced any “Eureka!” moment. All I can hear is God telling me to be still and to know that He is God. That must be the reason this song has been reverberating in my mind ever since I heard it for the first time in church last week.

Still, my soul be still

Still my soul be still
And do not fear
Though winds of change may rage tomorrow
God is at your side
No longer dread
The fires of unexpected sorrow

Chorus:
God You are my God
And I will trust in You and not be shaken
Lord of peace renew
A steadfast spirit within me
To rest in You alone

Still my soul be still
Do not be moved
By lesser lights and fleeting shadows
Hold onto His ways
With shield of faith
Against temptations flaming arrows

Still my soul be still
Do not forsake
The Truth you learned in the beginning
Wait upon the Lord
And hope will rise
As stars appear when day is dimming

It speaks so much to me in the situation I’m facing right now. I am reminded of the many times I prayed to God for a Closer walk with Him, a closer relationship with Sleepypig, a closer bond with my family, and a closer fellowship with my discipleship group. And God is now answering all my prayers in a way that I could never have expected or asked for. This trial I am going through – this is His answer. Though it is still a huge struggle, I have been receiving a bounty of blessings from it. Never have I felt closer to my friends than now, as I witnessed how they bothered to stay till past 11pm just to discuss our situation, try to find solutions for us, and unite in fervent prayer. Never have I experienced such a grueling trial of faith, where all I ever knew and believed were called into question, and yet still be able to experience God’s presence and overwhelming peace. Never have I felt a closer connection to Sleepypig than now, bonded by our human weaknesses and vulnerabilities, yet strengthened by our common faith in God who sustains all things. Yes, this is a time of great testing. But it is also a time of great rejoicing, for it is when everything is stripped away that we can see Jesus for who He really is, and we realize that He is really all that we need – our great Provider, our perfect counselor.

With God, I need not fear the winds of change that may Rage Tomorrow. I need not clamor Lesser Lights or be distracted by fleeting shadows. And I need not be afraid of the fiery darts of temptation. Instead, I am called to rest, to trust, to remain steadfast in spirit, to hold on to God’s truth, to wait, and to hope. Yes, with God, I will not be shaken.

I recently saw this article and it reminded me of many things that I had known but shoved to the back of my mind in the midst of the hustle and bustle of life.

How true it is that time cannot be retrieved. I don’t want to waste any more time on living with Ed or on meaningless comparisons with other people. As dear wise Dad just reminded me, outer beauty is fleeting. What is most important is to have a pure heart, for that will not fade away, even with time. So, as promised, here is my back-to-basics plan to get back on recovery track.

1. Be mindful of my hunger signals and honor them.
2. Be mindful of my level of tiredness and honor it.
3. Restart my fear food challenges.
4. Continue to practise eating outside and in social situations.
5. Stick to my exercise limit.
6. Do one lovely thing for myself everyday.
7. Do something out of schedule everyday.
8. Take time to relax and to have my own personal space.
9. Set aside time for my family and friends.
10. Indulge in my hobbies (blogging, photography, piano, baking, reading, scrapbooking)
11. Don’t look at calorie labels.
12. Don’t let myself be bonded by what Ed say I should or should not do.
13. Read the bible and pray to God when I feel vulnerable.
14. Get support from my support team.
15. Look at my calming list and pick one activity there to do when I feel stressed or anxious.

I hope that the article and song above inspires you too. Dear friends, I pray that God will, by His infinite grace, empower you to keep persevering, to keep trusting, and to keep hoping regardless of whatever difficulties you’re facing. Remember that with God, all things are possible! And with God, you too will not be shaken. Many hugs from me to you! =)