What steps should someone whose Spouse is in the act of infidelity take, in a case where he/she still wants that marriage?
Hmm! Lovely question, isn’t it? You know when we talk about marriage; we have to take two parties into consideration. It is not enough that one party still wants to continue the marriage when the other party is completely done!
There must be a mutual agreement or else if anything is done to fix the marriage, it will be fruitless and very frustrating because “it takes two to tango”. But in a situation whereby both parties are still willing to make it work, many things will be involved. Let me list few steps that should be taken in order to save a marriage that suffered from infidelity from a partner.
1. Transparency: There must be complete transparency. Both must communicate extensively to let out their feelings, the offenses, the secrets, the inadequacies, etc
“When the reasons for an action is known, the reaction becomes less effective, and the solution becomes possible” They need to discuss their dislikes with each other so that they can both know where they went wrong. Often times, when a marriage is on the verge of breakage, it is always due to lack of communication.
If you don’t talk about how you feel, the offense, insult, altitude… you won’t understand each other’s reasons for acting the way you act. Your actions at times could be due to self-defense or messed up perspective, you have for your spouse, which is also capable of stirring up a reaction in your spouse. When you communicate with your spouse, letting out all the feelings you bottled in for long, you will feel like a heavy luggage was just lifted off your shoulders. Ensure that you always keep communication alive in your marriage, if communication is disconnected/ broken; build a bridge. Never allow a complete break in communication, if you want your marriage to work.
2. Determination and ready to take responsibility: The unfaithful partner in the relationship must show responsibility and determination to curb infidelity because willingness is not enough.
That he/she is willing to curb infidelity does not mean that there won’t be a recurrence of such act. Willingness without determination will fade. To curb infidelity, the unfaithful partner must be determined, strong-willed, adopt self-disciple and self-control, be responsible, communicate with spouse effectively, renew his/ her mind daily, and keep conscience alive.
3. Patience: The other partner that still wants the marriage to work despite his/her spouse has cheated on him/ her, must be willing to be ‘patient’ with the unfaithful partner because he/she will not change overnight; change is a gradual process.
Give your partner time to practice step 2. It is not easy to change, especially if infidelity has become a habit for your partner. Are you willing to be patient? How long you need to be able to trust your spouse again is based on your spouse determination and strong will to consciously curb infidelity, and your willingness to adopt an open mind that is capable of trusting your spouse again. Note; a sudden change is ‘pretense’. Don’t fall for pretense!
4. Compromise: Both spouses should adjust their differences, compromise their wants and improve on their inadequacies. In as much as infidelity is wrong from every point of life, at times there could be justification for your spouse’s infidelity act. Understand the reason(s) behind the act and learn to compromise.
To make a marriage work; you must be willing to compromise. When I say compromise, I mean healthy compromise, of course, not the type that will be a threat to your self-esteem and well-being.
You are both two different entities, you both have your differences in taste, want, perspective, motive, believes etc. What is capable of building a bridge to bring the two of you to a common ground in marriage is a compromise. Adjust your differences; work out your needs to suit your spouse want. Note: for every action, there is a reaction; amend the actions, and there won’t be a need for reactions.
5. Rebuild Trust Again: This is the most crucial aspect needed for making your marriage work again. If there is no trust in a marriage, it is dangerous to continue in such marriage. Do you know why? It negatively affects self-esteem and self-worth.
Lack of trust in any relationship is poisonous, it is capable of destroying your emotional capability; leaves you emotionally traumatized, and makes you feel unsecured, thereby having a negative psychological effect on your reasoning and your perspective about yourself. If you know that you cannot trust your spouse again, staying in that marriage will do you more harm than good.
Though it is hard to build trust again after it’s been broken, nonetheless, trust and communication are the fuel and engine of a marriage. If your unfaithful spouse is not ready, determined and focused on building your trust again, it doesn’t worth it for you to stay in such marriage.
The feeling of a break in trust is extremely painful, it could be short-termed or long-termed for some people, but it can still be rebuilt with an open mind and deliberate action. Marriage is for companionship and there can’t be true companionship without trust.
I easily don’t trust people, but if I do and you break the trust I have for you, I won’t give you a second chance to prove yourself.Some people have the grace to trust and trust again, but I don’t have that grace.
For people that are like me, don’t ever make the mistake of staying in that marriage. If you know you can never trust your spouse again, don’t stay in the marriage because you will be destroying your spouse’s self-esteem even long after when he/she as changed for the better and you will also be hurting yourself emotionally which could lead to trauma.
6. God Factor: Finally, please always involve God in all you do.
Hopefully, the marriage can work again and ‘bond’ stronger just as gold comes out shining, strong and beautiful from the furnace. See caught in the act of infidelity
